Pope Micro Editorials: Jump Street

Can I just say, for the record, that the world was a significantly better place when Richard Greco was a sex symbol.

Pope Poems: Ode To a Payment Default or My Job is Dull

The Payment Date has come and gone,

And now my checks are overdrawn

My bank account, it has not grown.

Where is my cash? This is not known.

Oh coupon payment, where art thou?

I scan Bloomberg with furrowed brow;

The reason for your absence weighs.

For three years now, this bond, it pays.

Suddenly this fiscal quarter

Bankrupt went the bonds supporter.

Lack of liquidity they claim,

And to reorganize their aim.

So now behind first leans I’ve sunk

With no money to go get drunk.

Pope FAQs: C Thomas Howell

Q: How does one go from making “Red Dawn” to making “Soul Man” in the span of two years?

A: ...

Q: The man needs to write an autobiography.

Pope Facts: Da Nile

Da Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt…it also flows south into Sudan and its tributaries reach Ethiopia and Rwanda.

Pope FAQ: Look whose back

Q: Oh look who decided to come back...

A: Hey there.

Q: Don't "hey there" me. You've been away for months! What, were you "workin' on your Night Moves" again?

A: No, no, this time I have a good excuse.

Q: Well...let's hear it.

A: I was in London.

Q: What were you doing in London?

A: I was trying to get a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury. Wanted to talk to him about maybe ending the scism between the Anglican and Roman Catholic Churches.

Q: Wow, that's awfully noble of you. What brought this on?

A: Well I was watching an old episode of Vultron on Youtube...

Q: oh lord...

A: I thought maybe we could bring a bunch of the different Christian churches back together, and they could be like the lions in Vultron. And if any giant space monsters or, ya know, the Antichrist ever showed up, we could all come together and form a giant Christian battle robot to fight it.

Q: ooooooookay......how did it go?

A: Not well, we couldn't decide who got to form the head. The legs were easy, Coptics and Ethiopian Orthodox, but we couldn't agree on where the Anglicans, Catholics and Greek Orthodox would go...which really sucks...I totaly wanted to get to shout "Form Blazing Crozier!" at some point....

Pope FAQ: St. Patrick's Day

Q: Who decided to put St. Patrick's Day on a friday this year and what do they have against my liver?

A: Well I guess, ultimately, it was Gregory the XIII, who I'm pretty sure still thinks that his girlfriend was cheating on him with your liver

Your Pope is So Fat...Or, Why cardiologists make terrible comedians.

Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat.
You: How fat is he?
Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat, that he really should drop 15 lbs, maybe 20 to be on the safe side, to avoid serious risk of heart disease and diabetes.

Pope Alert - Soviets Tried to kill JP II

So, an Italian inquiry has found that it was, in fact, the Soviets who were behind the attempted assasination of John Paul II in 1981. Which, I think, if I'm understanding all this properly, means I am officially in the clear!

Pope Facts: Mardi Gras

• Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday". If you happen to have a relative or friend named Marty, this fact can be pretty useful when teasing them
• While many find it crude and offensive, the traditional exchange of beads for the exposure of one's private parts is actually a tribute to the Native Americans that once lived on Manhattan.
• Mardi Gras was yesterday.
• Mardi Gras is one last day of reveling before the somber period of Lent. I am told that on the original Mardi Gras Jeus and the Apostles got totally wasted on Boilermakers at Bennigan's.
• Mardi Gras occurs every year on the Tuesday after Quinquagesima Sunday....seriously...look it up if you don't believe me.
• The idea of having drag queens parade down Bourbon Street in floats was originally the result of a friendly wager between Sir Edward Pakenham and Andrew Jackson.
• Mardi Gras, at its heart, is essentially a Cajun attempt to usurp from the Irish the power and wonder that is Saint Patrick's Day.
• If we ever get a Cajun Pope I am totally going to Rome to party. I'll be the guy in Saint Peter's Square lifting my shirt over my head hoping to get some Cardinal to toss me some rosary beads.
• In England the day before Ash Wednesday is refer to as "Shrove Tuesday"...god, the English can sure suck the fun out of pretty much anything, huh.
• Mardi Gras is also known as Pancake Tuesday in places like Australia, Ireland, and Canada. Why IHOP doesn't take advantage of the obvious marketing tie-ins is beyond me.
• I don't believe that in all my years I have ever had pancakes on a Tuesday.
• Pancakes have always been more of a weekend thing for me.
• I like pancakes alot, I just never really seem to have time to have them on Tuesdays.
• I seem to have drifted off topic.

Ancient Prophets in Modern Times: Job goes to McDonald's

Job: Dammit, I asked for no pickles.

Ancient Gods in Modern Times - Cronus

Nurse: Umm, excuse me, Sir. We normally don't allow people to bring catsup into the Maternity Ward.

Knock, Knock, Popes - Lightbulb

A: How many Ebionites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

B: I don't know, how many?

A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to deny the divinity of Jesus.