Devin For Pope Dotcom

Pope Micro Editorials: Jump Street

2007-09-25T10:51:00.000-04:00

Can I just say, for the record, that the world was a significantly better place when Richard Greco was a sex symbol.

Pope Poems: Ode To a Payment Default or My Job is Dull

2007-09-25T10:38:00.000-04:00

The Payment Date has come and gone,

And now my checks are overdrawn

My bank account, it has not grown.

Where is my cash? This is not known.

Oh coupon payment, where art thou?

I scan Bloomberg with furrowed brow;

The reason for your absence weighs.

For three years now, this bond, it pays.

Suddenly this fiscal quarter

Bankrupt went the bonds supporter.

Lack of liquidity they claim,

And to reorganize their aim.

So now behind first leans I’ve sunk

With no money to go get drunk.

Pope FAQs: C Thomas Howell

2007-09-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

Q: How does one go from making “Red Dawn” to making “Soul Man” in the span of two years?

A: ...

Q: The man needs to write an autobiography.

Pope Facts: Da Nile

2007-09-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

Da Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt…it also flows south into Sudan and its tributaries reach Ethiopia and Rwanda.

Pope FAQ: Look whose back

2006-10-09T17:05:00.000-04:00

Q: Oh look who decided to come back...

A: Hey there.

Q: Don't "hey there" me. You've been away for months! What, were you "workin' on your Night Moves" again?

A: No, no, this time I have a good excuse.

Q: Well...let's hear it.

A: I was in London.

Q: What were you doing in London?

A: I was trying to get a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury. Wanted to talk to him about maybe ending the scism between the Anglican and Roman Catholic Churches.

Q: Wow, that's awfully noble of you. What brought this on?

A: Well I was watching an old episode of Vultron on Youtube...

Q: oh lord...

A: I thought maybe we could bring a bunch of the different Christian churches back together, and they could be like the lions in Vultron. And if any giant space monsters or, ya know, the Antichrist ever showed up, we could all come together and form a giant Christian battle robot to fight it.

Q: ooooooookay......how did it go?

A: Not well, we couldn't decide who got to form the head. The legs were easy, Coptics and Ethiopian Orthodox, but we couldn't agree on where the Anglicans, Catholics and Greek Orthodox would go...which really sucks...I totaly wanted to get to shout "Form Blazing Crozier!" at some point....

Pope FAQ: St. Patrick's Day

2006-03-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

Q: Who decided to put St. Patrick's Day on a friday this year and what do they have against my liver?

A: Well I guess, ultimately, it was Gregory the XIII, who I'm pretty sure still thinks that his girlfriend was cheating on him with your liver

Your Pope is So Fat...Or, Why cardiologists make terrible comedians.

2006-03-10T12:48:00.000-05:00

Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat.
You: How fat is he?
Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat, that he really should drop 15 lbs, maybe 20 to be on the safe side, to avoid serious risk of heart disease and diabetes.

Pope Alert - Soviets Tried to kill JP II

2006-03-03T20:21:00.000-05:00

So, an Italian inquiry has found that it was, in fact, the Soviets who were behind the attempted assasination of John Paul II in 1981. Which, I think, if I'm understanding all this properly, means I am officially in the clear!

Pope Facts: Mardi Gras

2006-03-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday". If you happen to have a relative or friend named Marty, this fact can be pretty useful when teasing them
While many find it crude and offensive, the traditional exchange of beads for the exposure of one's private parts is actually a tribute to the Native Americans that once lived on Manhattan.
Mardi Gras was yesterday.
Mardi Gras is one last day of reveling before the somber period of Lent. I am told that on the original Mardi Gras Jeus and the Apostles got totally wasted on Boilermakers at Bennigan's.
Mardi Gras occurs every year on the Tuesday after Quinquagesima Sunday....seriously...look it up if you don't believe me.
The idea of having drag queens parade down Bourbon Street in floats was originally the result of a friendly wager between Sir Edward Pakenham and Andrew Jackson.
Mardi Gras, at its heart, is essentially a Cajun attempt to usurp from the Irish the power and wonder that is Saint Patrick's Day.
If we ever get a Cajun Pope I am totally going to Rome to party. I'll be the guy in Saint Peter's Square lifting my shirt over my head hoping to get some Cardinal to toss me some rosary beads.
In England the day before Ash Wednesday is refer to as "Shrove Tuesday"...god, the English can sure suck the fun out of pretty much anything, huh.
Mardi Gras is also known as Pancake Tuesday in places like Australia, Ireland, and Canada. Why IHOP doesn't take advantage of the obvious marketing tie-ins is beyond me.
I don't believe that in all my years I have ever had pancakes on a Tuesday.
Pancakes have always been more of a weekend thing for me.
I like pancakes alot, I just never really seem to have time to have them on Tuesdays.
I seem to have drifted off topic.

Ancient Prophets in Modern Times: Job goes to McDonald's

2006-02-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

Job: Dammit, I asked for no pickles.

Ancient Gods in Modern Times - Cronus

2006-02-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

Nurse: Umm, excuse me, Sir. We normally don't allow people to bring catsup into the Maternity Ward.

Knock, Knock, Popes - Lightbulb

2006-02-09T15:08:00.000-05:00

A: How many Ebionites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

B: I don't know, how many?

A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to deny the divinity of Jesus.

Pope FAQs: Bob Saget

2006-02-05T01:38:00.000-05:00

Q: Why is everytime "Full House" comes up in conversation, someone has to tell me that, despite his wholesome role on the show, Bob Saget was first known as quite the "blue" comic? Seriously, its happened like 10 or 11 times in the last month alone.

A: I think a better question might be: Why has "Full House" come up nearly a dozen times in your conversations in the last 30 days?

Pope FAQ: New York

2006-01-06T14:17:00.000-05:00

Q: New York, the Big Apple, the city that never sleeps... You know, they say that if you can make it there you can make it anywhere, but what if you can't make it there?

A: I say move to Baltimore.

Poposcopes: Predictions for each sign of the Zodiac for 2006

2005-12-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

Aries 3/21-4/19 - You will meet a lovely, dark-haired Italian girl while taking a ferry tour around the Isle of Capri. She will have bewitching eyes, a lyric, almost poetic laugh and smell like fresh rose petals. Be weary, though, as when she gets up to "freshin up" prior to dessert at the quaint little bistro you will dine at that night, she will , in fact, steal your digital camera as a birthday present for her one-armed Scandinavian boyfriend named Gunter.

Leo 7/23-8/22 - On October 22nd, you will finally find out what an Ocelot is.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 - You will gather 2 of every animal and create the worlds most famous, but also most controversal, All You Can Eat buffet.

Taurus 4/20-5/20 - You will met a large Italian man on the Staten Island ferry. He will weigh 283 pounds and smell like garlic. He will give you directions to the Number 4 train.

Virgo 8/23-9/22 - You will sit at home alone and quitely read National Geographic while enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir from 9:35-10:03 pm on March 5th.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 - Your stubborn refusal to believe in angels will lead to you being severely pummelled by 23 leather-clad bikers in a bar just outside of Tempe, Arizona.

Gemini 5/21-6/21 - You will find financial success, but spiritual doom, when you rework the Hail Mary into a gansta rap single.

Libra 9/23-10/22 - Saint Martin of Tours will appear to you in the remnants of your half-eaten quiche just prior to your proposing to your girlfriend to alert you to some spinach stuck in your teeth.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 - The Age of Aquarius will official come to an end this year.

Cancer 6/22-7/22 - You will be left behind.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 - God will intervine through a massive lightining strike and save you from a devistating defeat in Battleship to your 7 year-old cousin Ruddiger.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 - Horoscopes, and astrology in general, are considered heretical by the Church. You will probably go to hell just for reading this.

Dear AntiPope 1

2005-12-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

I would like to take this opprotunity to introduce a brand spanking new feature here at Devin For Pope Dotcom: "Dear Antipope". In this section I will be taking actual letters written to Dear Abby and answer them myself, hopefully bringing hope to the hopeless, light into the darkness and Arena Rock into Communist China. So without and further ado:

After a rather tedious backstory about his parents and his new girlfriend, Worried in Worcester asks:

"Abby, how can I tell if I am an alcoholic? I don't have trouble controlling the
amount or frequency of when I drink, but I do get "mood swings" when I'm
intoxicated. Is that a classic sign?"

First off, Worried, if you ever call me Abby again you won't have to worry about drinking to much because I will staple you lips closed.

As to the drinking, different people define "drinking problem" and "alcoholism" in different ways. My own personal rule of thumb is that you shouldn't consider your drinking a problem until you have been physically removed from a bar for trying to shake Lucky Charms out of the pockets of a midget dressed up as a Leprachaun for St. Patricks Day because you are really hungry and the line at the pizza place next door is too long. Other experts may disagree, but that is my definition and I will stick by it. That said, your "mood swings" are a classic sign, a classic sign of you being a no-fun drunk. You are probably the jerk who decides that he wants to have a really serious discussion about his feelings about his ex-girlfriend after your 5th tequilla shot, while I'm trying to what a baseball game or hit on the waitress. So you know what, do us all a favor and just stop drinking.

In fact, Worried, stop going out altogether; just sit in your apartment by yourself, listen to Morrisey with the lights out and leave me the hell alone. God! "Worried in Worchester", how frikin' lame can you get. Why didn't you just call yourself "complete-bloody-buzzkill-pretending-to-have-a-girlfriend-in-a-letter-I-write-to-an-87-year- old-newspaper-advice-columnist-to-try-to-seem-cooler-while-sitting-alone-in-my-parents- basement-watching-Star-Trek-reruns-in-a-ratty-robe-stuffing-another-slice-of-Dominos-Meat-Lovers-pizza-down-my-throat-and-fantasizing-about-having-a-drinking-problem-so-I- can-see-myself-as-some-kind-of-tormented-artest-destroying-myself-with-liquor-because-of- the-sheer-weight-of-my-on-genius-and-not-as--32-year-old-assistant-night-manager-of-the-Best-Buy-on-Neponset-St-who-plays-bass-in-a-crappy-garage-band-that-does-all-it-can-to-sound-like-Creed in Worcester?.

I hate you.

Pope FAQ: Transit workers

2005-12-21T13:28:00.000-05:00

Q: What circle of hell do striking transit workers end up in?

A: They go to the 8th circle of hell and are buried upside down, with their feet sticking out of the ground on fire, just like Simonists. I don't really understand the logic of placing striking subway conductors and sellers of indulgences in the same place, but I have to say I like the results.

Pope FAQ: Time

2005-12-21T13:24:00.000-05:00

Q: What time is it?

A: 1:24 pm

Pope UnFAQ: Chickens

2005-12-21T13:16:00.000-05:00

Q: Do you think chickens go to heaven?

Q: and do you think they'll be mad at us?

A: ...

Q: I mean, its heaven so you'd think they'd be happy, but we kill an awful lot of them...

Q: keep them in cages...

Q: steal their eggs...

Q: they've got a legitimate gripe...

Q: Quite frankly I'm a little worried.

Q: I mean, for all we know Colonel Sanders is being tormented by millions of angelic chickens right now.

I've got more rhymes than the Bible's got psalms

2005-11-21T17:11:00.000-05:00

I have 151 rhymes.

Ancient gods in Modern Times 6 : Thor requests a song to dance to at a wedding

2005-11-21T13:47:00.000-05:00

DJ: Sorry, I don't think I have "You Can't Touch This."

Thor: That's ok, I brought my own Hammer.

Ancient gods in Modern Times 5 : Thor spends a day building houses with Habitat for Humanity

2005-11-21T13:46:00.000-05:00

Thor: That's ok, I brought my own hammer.

Ancient gods in Modern Times 4 : Thor plays Wack-A-Mole

2005-11-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

Thor: That's ok, I brought my own hammer.

Ancient gods in Modern Times 3 : Thor steps up to a carnival "Test your Strength" game

2005-11-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

Thor: That's ok, I brought my own hammer.

Ancient gods in Modern Times 2 : Gaia sees a picture of the Earth from space

2005-11-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

Gaia: Do you think the ice caps make my butt look big?

Ancient gods in Modern Times 1: Puck watches MTV's "Punked"

2005-11-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

Puck: So what? Am I supposed to be impressed that you managed to trick Lindsey Lohan into thinking she had a really bad limo driver? Ohhhh, wow, that's a good one! What's next Ashton? You gonna dunk on a paraplegic in a pick-up basketball game?
Puck: ...
Puck: ...
Puck: ...
Puck: ...
Puck: ...
Puck: ...
Puck: Bloody amateurs.

Knowest Thine Enemy - Hell

2005-11-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

Hell is aplace full of fire, except for arsonists. Arsonist hell is full of flame retardant and Howie Long movies.
While the expression is quite popular, the trip to Hell is only taken in a handbasket by owners of those annoying little yippie dogs.
There is no Porkchop Day in Hell's cafeteria.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Which, for most of us, is really a great relief.
Etymologically, the word "hell" comes from from the Old English "helan" which meant "to conceal". See that, you learned something new today. Good for you.
In hell one must live along side the other damned, whose outbursts of pain, grief and hatred are an ever-present source of fresh torment. My next door neighbor makes the hall reak of patchouli and plays Phish really loud.
The road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs. Not my fault.
Some people question how a being of absolute love like the Lord could let souls suffer in a place of such horrific torment. To them I say: "Burn ,heretic, burn!!!!!"
Christian Hell is pretty much just the flames...its alot less into the whole ironic punishment thing as Hades.
If you die before Jimmy Carter and end up in hell, please be sure to save him a seat.
Hell is full of demons and devils. There probably is some easy joke here about Martin Brodeur, but I am not one to go for easy jokes.
Speaking of easy jokes, there are no Bahamians in Hell, they are all in Limbo!!!
Hell is a place of unimaginable pain and torment that will last throughout all eternity. If given the choice between Hell and high water, take high water.
In Paradise Lost, much of the pain of hell is derived from the absence of the presence of the Almighty. To put it in perspective, just think of how you felt when they canceled Small Wonder, but like 10 times worse.
Hell is other people....so leave me the heck alone!!!

Pope UfAQ - Cologne

2005-11-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between cologne and Axe Deodorant Body Spray?

A: About $45 and 100% of the chance of your getting lucky if a girl finds one of them in your bathroom.

Peter Gallagher

2005-11-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000BHNLXA/qid=1131858181/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-5790925-4887022?v=glance&s=music&n=507846

...
...

...
...
...
...

Am I the only person concerned about Peter Gallagher using his O.C. celebrity to further his music career? It kind of makes you doubt his artistic integrity on the show, doesn't it?

Pope UnFAQ- Jeans

2005-11-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

Q: Are those Bugle boy jeans that you're wearing?

A: Umm, no...cause the thing is, its not 1983.

Next Step

2005-11-10T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, I had the whole running for Pope thing, now i've got the Antipope thing....so the next step is a cult, right?

Godzilla and the Pope

2005-11-10T13:26:00.000-05:00

I probably should try to say something about this, but am at a loss for words:

Tellem [Hideki Matsui's agent] has another reason for wanting a resolution early next week.

"My wife expects me to be on a plane to Rome for the CBS screening of the CBS TV movie about Pope John Paul," he said. "The screening is at the Vatican on the 17th, and I've got to be on the plane on the 16th, so I'm hoping we can conclude the deal by the 15th, which is deadline, so I can please Hideki and please my wife -- and meet the pope."

Coming Down

2005-11-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

Well, another All Saints Day has come and gone. It seems like you spend so much time decorating, buying gifts, cooking, checking up to see if anyone new has been beatitified (or if your really lucky canonized) and just getting ready for the day that the whole thing just wooshes by in a flash.

Ah well, what can you do. I guess its time for me to get cracking on the clean-up, tossing away all the wrapping paper and putting away all the decorations (I got the cutest stuffed canons for the dinner table this year that I need to make sure to pack up and save for next year).

Its crazy, its hectic and its alot of work, but I have to say that All Saints Day is really my favorite time of year.

Pope FAQ - Favorite Saint

2005-11-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Q: So its All Saints' Day, who is your favorite saint?

A: Vlad the Impaler.

Q: umm...I don't think he was a saint.

A: Oh, saint. You said saint. Sorry, I thought you said "Who is your favorite 15th century Balkan prince, famous for brutally slaughtering his enemies, both military and political, by placing then atop long pikes and later recreated in a late 19th century Gothic novel as a terrifying, yet seductive, undead creature of the night that requires the blood of the living to survice?" My bad.

Q: OooooKay, guess you misheard me....well, who is your favorite saint, then?

A: I don't know, Patrick?

Pope Poll : President

2005-11-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

Q: Whom would you vote for if the presidential election were held today?

A:

3% - Devin
2% - Another canidate
95% - Wait a minute, I'm confused, why is there a presidential election today? Didn't we just have one last year?

Pope Facts: Halloween

2005-10-31T13:46:00.000-05:00

Halloween used to officially be called "All Souls' Day", but the Church changed it to Halloween in 1973 because too many people were putting the apostrophe in the wrong place.
Halloween is a day to pray for all of the deceased, except Milton Berle. I'm really not sure why Uncle Milty is left out, but then again I really have yet to get my mind around transubstansiation either, so who am I to talk.
On Halloween it is customary to give candy to children, just like it is on Easter and Christmas...In many ways God is like a grandparent, coming over and getting the kids all riled up and full of sugar and then leaving before it is time to try to get them to go to bed.
On Halloween we put on masks and take what is not ours, just like Patrick Swayze in "Point Break".
"I am a F-B-I agent!!!!!"
"It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" is a complete affront to and bastardization of the theological basis for the feast of all souls. Linus is going to burn in the 6th Circle of Hell with the rest of the heretics.
The Six Circle of Hell is the "City of Dis", aka EPCOT.
I'm not sure how the cross-promotion between Peanuts and Disney will work, but I'm sure it'll be a nice money maker for everyone involved. Maybe we'll even be able to order a Happy Meal with a Tortured Soul of Linus toy inside at participating McDonald's.
For Halloween as a kid I usually just threw on a baseball or soccer jersey and went as a baseball or soccer player ... I was fine prostituting my appearence for candy, but I was kind of lazy.
In Irish mythology people dressed up as the scariest thing they could think of today in order to scare away evil spirits...if you see anyone dressed up as like a princess or a bunny or some such cutesy nonsense don't give them any candy, they aren't helping and don't deserve to be rewarded.
A good everyday rule of thumb for kids is: "Don't take candy from strangers." This rule doesn't apply on Halloween, though, because all the psychopaths take the day off for their annual picnic.
In Mexico Halloween is called The Day of the Dead and the customs are very different. I won't get into the details here, suffice it to say Mexico is gonna have some blood-shot eyes, reak of funny smelling smoke and is going to be looking to trade bootlegs with Honduras and Nicaragua today.
The Irish began carving up pumpkins on Halloween centuries ago. There's no real religious or mythological significance to it, the Irish just hate pumpkins. And understandable so. Look at them over there staring at me, all orange and gourdy...God I hate pumpkins!
When I was a kid there was a big scare one Halloween about some crazy people putting razor blades inside of chocolate bars. As you can imagine this cause quite a bit of panic amongst some parents, but on the bright side, it was the inspiration for the Blow-Pop (they just replaced the chocolate with a lolipop, and the razor with gum...because gum is less dangerous than a razor blade...especially for kids...but its the same basic idea... something inside of something else....and you eat it...just a different outcome...blowing bubbles instead of dying...which most parents prefered...even though the noise of bubbles can get annoying after awhile...but parents prefered that to dead children...at least that's what the Charms Corporation's market research found)
Some modern day Wiccans are offend by Halloween, saying that it cast them in an unduly negative light and mocks their beliefs. But really, who cares.

Pope UfAQ - Car Insurance

2005-10-30T15:08:00.000-05:00

Q: Who, exactly, are those people chasing that animated woman in those E-surance commercials?

A: ...

Ppe UfAQ - Stranded in the Andes

2005-10-30T15:00:00.000-05:00

Q: If you survived a plane crash in the Andes and the only other person to survive was David Leisure, would you kill him and eat his flessh to survive?

A: Why does it matter that the other person alive is David Leisure?

Pope Alt-history - If St. Anthony of Padua had not given up his riches to become a Franciscan Friar

2005-10-30T14:56:00.000-05:00

Mary O'Leary: Dang it! I lost my keys...I sure wish there were some saint I could pray to to help me find them.

Pope Alt-history - If God Called in Sick on the 6th Day

2005-10-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

...

...

...

...

...

...

Monkey: So what's the deal? Can I have dominion over this place or what?

Pope UfAQ- She's Got Lox?

2005-10-30T01:37:00.000-05:00

Q: So, were ZZ Top Hasidic?

A: .......seriously man, its too late for this crap.

Pope UfAQ - Fight

2005-10-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

Q: Who do you think would win in a fight, St. Martin of Tours or Markie Post?

A: Markie Post, hands down.

Q: But St. Martin of Tours is the patron saint of soldiers, you don't think he could beat the chick from Night Court?

A: Well, maybe, if ya know, we weren't dead. I'm pretty sure even a ditsy, 80s-TV blonde can lay the smack down on a deceased bishop.

Pope FAQ: Schizophrenia

2005-10-27T10:22:00.000-04:00

Q: Don't you find it a little weird that you are both the "Q" and the "A" in these posts?

A: yeah.

Q: Do you think its healthy? Its bordering on the whole multiple personality thing a bit isn't it?

A: Yeah, but then again, its probably not too healthy for a 26 year-old guy to become a false claimant of the Holy See in opposition to the pontiff canonically elected, and i haven't really felt any ill effects from that, so I think I'm just gonna run with it.

Q: Well, ok. But can we at least agree to seek professional help if we start hearing voices?

A: Heck no! If I start hearing voices i'm writin me a new bible and moving to Utah to start my own religion.

Q: Umm, I think someone already...

A: Yup Utah, truly God's country...

Pope FAQ - St. Crispin's Day

2005-10-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

Q: So, I know you were busy "workin on your night moves", or whatever, but shouldn't you have found time to post something this past Tuesday, ya know, St. Crispin's Day?

A: Yeah.

Q: Then why didn't you?

A: Too many French, too few longbows.

Pope UfAQ (Un-frequently Asked Questions) - Desert Island

2005-10-27T10:08:00.000-04:00

Q: If you were stranded on a desert island, what one person from the 80s Hair-band era would you like to be stuck with?

A: Lita Ford.

Pope FAQ: Where you been

2005-10-27T09:58:00.000-04:00

Q: Where have you been? Why haven't you posted in so long?

A: Been busy.

Q: Busy?

A: yeah, busy.

Q: Busy doing what?

A: Workin' on my night moves.

Q: huh?

A: Up at the park, drinking some beers, rocking out to Seger, you know the drill.

Q: oooohhhhkaayyy....

A: Actually, that's not true; I just stole that line from the OC. I'm really pretty easily influenced by pop culture.

Q: I thought that sounded familiar...but wasn't that on, like, one of the first few episodes of the show, like 2 years ago?

A: Yeah...I'm easily influenced by pop culture, but not exactly what one would call "hip."

Q: Oh, okay.

A: Sooo, like my new tribal arm band tattoo?

Pope Alert - Trist!!!!!

2005-08-12T11:54:00.000-04:00

Devin for Pope Dotcom Exclusive!!!!! Must Credit Devin for Pope Dotcom!!!!

I have it from several sources that our current Pope, Benedict XVI for those of you keeping score, had an illicit affair with Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld's "Elaine") from 1992-1994. Apparently there are some embarrassing pictures of the two on a topless beach (and Benny is in a speedo, yuck!!!) on the southern coast of Spain. While there are no reports of any love children, I have it on good authority that they may very well have gotten a puppy while together....no one knows what happened to that puppy.

Look for this story to pop up in the Main Stream Media in the next few days (get ready for a Media frenzy!!!)

Complaints recently fielded by the Communion of Saints Ombudsman

2005-07-22T12:04:00.000-04:00

Complaint: "I lost my keys like 6 monthes ago and still haven't received a response from St. Antony. What's up with that?"
Ombudsman: "Sir, you should have been praying to St. Anthony of Padua for help with your lost keys. If you prayed to St. Antony, its likely that your prayer was sent to Antony of Vilna, who is, well, one of the patron saints of Lithuania (great guy, but more likely to have you fall under Soviet oppression than find your keys)....Common mistake, I will forward on your prayer and you should find your keys in 2-3 business days.

-----------------------

Complaint: "My (sob) cat Gustov (sob) just died. I prayed (sob) and prayed (weep) to St. Francis, but she still died."
Ombusman: "I am sorry to hear about your loss. While St. Francis is the patron of animals, unfortunately he has no control over life and death. That dread responsibility falls on the Lord God alone, please redirect your complaint to a member of the Trinity."

-----------------------

Complaint: "My computer just crashed and I think I might have lost the entire spreadsheet I was working on...who should I prayer to for help?"
Ombudsman: "umm, errr, Saint Computus of, umm, Siliconia...no, damn, I don't even know,we're not too tech savy up here...does your computer's user guide maybe have a help number on it? Just make sure Bill Gates gets cannonized when he dies so we can have someone to deal with this stuff."

----------------------

Complaint: "I wanted a playstation 2 for christmas, I was a good boy, but St. Nicolas didn't bring me one...I, I wrote him a letter and everything, but still no playstaion"
Ombudsman: "Son, you're looking for Santa Claus, not St. Nicholas. While the two names are commonly used synonymously in popular culture they are not in fact the same person. Please direct your complaints to Santa Claus or one of his elves, last I check he has hanging out around Madison Square Garden."

-----------------

Complaint: "My Whopper was cold and I asked for no onions."
Ombudsman: "Umm, ok, that's really not the kind of thing we do around here."

If Abe Lincoln had been more like Jesus

2005-07-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

(gunshot)
John Wilkes Booth: "Sic semper tyrannis!!!"
Audience Member: "Oh my God! He's shot the president! The president is dead!!!!!"
Audience Member 2: "Oh no!! The president is dead!!"
...
....
....
Abe Lincoln (jumping to his feet): "It's alright everybody! I'm OK!"

Harry Potter and the Bishop of Rome

2005-07-21T15:13:00.000-04:00

As you may have seen on the Drudge Report (or, as they call it in Mexico "El Ganapan Reportaje"), it seems as if our current pope, the "Panzer Pope" as the kids are calling him these days, wrote a letter opposing the Harry Potter books back in the day.

Many people have jumped to the conclusion that the Luger of Christ's issue with the little, four-eyed, preppie Merlin-impersonator is that he performs witchcraft, which the Catholic Church opposes (please consult "Inquisition, the" and "Uppity Women, the torturing and burning of" in your encyclopedia for more information).

Now, as you can guess from the fact that I just wrote "jumped to the conclusion", this is not the real issue that the U-boat Pontiff has with the young, bespectacled, trust-fund Wiccan. No, in fact the Messerschmitt Primate, has all sorts of issues with the wee, vision-impaired Calypso-spawn and, as luck would have it, they are listed below:

Quidditch makes no frickin sense...I mean, I catch the stupid gold thing and my team wins, what the hell is the point of the rest of the game? My teammates are risking their lives whipping around at 90 MPH, 100 feet off the ground on twigs and nothing they do matters if I catch the stupid gold thing?!?!
I think Hermionie should hook up with that nice,Aryann Draco Malfoy.
How exactly does one become a "professor" at Hogwarts? Is there some other school somewhere that offers post-graduate wizarding classes?
Hogwarts really should focus more on the 3 Rs, I mean, being able to mix an anti-petrification potion is nice, but so is being able to add and subtract. Let me tell you, no amount of understanding of the nature of werewolves is going to help you figure out the tip at dinner.
I really don't like Ron.
Drinking Unicorn blood really gets a bad rap...Sure the unicorn dies and sure it can keep even the most evil of creatures aliveindefinitelyy, but itprovidess a hangover free buzz like nothing I've ever drunk before.
Also, let me get this straight, I need a signed permission slip to go into town, but going off in the deep, dark forest to hunt some unknown beast that's killing all the unicorns is just part of my detention?
So, umm, rather than taking this kid off to school for a few months and then sending him back to his abusive aunt and uncle for the summer, how about maybe calling Child Services?
Why does there have to be all this black magic and violence, back when I was a kid in Germany we read nice wholesome stories by the Brothers Grimm, no violence or black magic there, no sir-e-bob.
Seriously, QUIDDITCH MAKES NO SENSE

A Physiological Question

2005-07-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

So, we are basically physically made up of the same stuff as animals like dogs and cats, right? I mean, there's the whole biped v. quadraped thing, but we all have bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, etc...so how come when I'm watching Animal Planet I never see a lion running and about to pounce on a gazelle's back pull up lame, Ken-Griffey-Jr.-around-third-base-style, with a pulled hammy?
And if we're made in God's image, does He have the same problems? Is this why She needed to rest on the 7th day, did He throw too many pitches on the 6th day and hurt his arm? Was Dusty Baker somehow to blame? Is God better now? Did the Lord Almighty have Tommy John surgery? Or did the overexersion end His career as a world make? Is this why we haven't found life on any other planets?

You might be a catholic if

2005-06-28T20:23:00.000-04:00

In honor of Jeff Foxworthy's birthday (I'm just going to assume that the people reading this are both ignorant of the date of Jeff Foxworthy's birth and too lazy to go look it up), I give you "You Might be Catholic if":

You think everyone in the Secret Service should be Swiss.
You believe that Microsoft Office was present with the Father at Creation.
You fear cannibalism everytime someone asks you to be the host of a party.
You believe in the primacy of Jim Rome.
You insist that white shouldn't be worn after labor day, except for Christmas and the Feast of the Epiphany.
You don't know CPR, but can perform a baptism with nothing but your own spit.
You firmly believe the TV show Martin was heretical.
You've been beaten by a nun.
You've purchased a Jesus and Mary Chain album, only to be disappointed that it wasn't the rosary set to music.
You insists that Certs are 3 mints in 1.

and finally, you might by Catholic if:

You are not going to burn in Hell for all eternity for holding heretical beliefs like all those silly Protestants and Orthoducks.

Today, on a very special Devin for Pope Dotcom

2005-06-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

Today, on a very special Devin for Pope Dotcom, Devin confronts the Archbishop of Canterbury about his addiction to pep pills. Meanwhile, the Patriarch of Moscow learns a valuable lesson about respecting the dyslexic.

Language

2005-06-23T23:56:00.000-04:00

So, umm, does Chewbacca not have a developed enough larynx to vocalize complex human speech patterns, or has he just never bothered to learn English? And if it is that he just hasn't learned English, can he speech Spanish? Portuguese? Mandarin? American Sign Language?

See

2005-06-22T17:28:00.000-04:00

See, this is what happens when you don't have the AntiPope involved in your events.

Celebrity Wedding

2005-06-17T14:44:00.000-04:00

So Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes, which I suppose means that there are soon going to be lots of little Scientologists running around.
I would like to take the opportunity of this engagement to make one thing clear, I'm talking Chair of Peter, Papal infallibility clear:

Devoutly following the writings of a science-fiction author does not make you a deeply religious person, it makes you a trekkie.

Seriously, does anyone want to take bets on whether the wedding ceremony for these two is going to be in Klingon? Or maybe Katie is more of Battlestar Galactica fan and they can dig up Lorne Greene to do the nuptials.

Look, guys, I know that old commercial with the animated volcano and some guy saying "Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard" in a really deep voice was kind of cool, but it's not like I'm praying to the god Verizon because James Earl Jones does their commercials.

But, really, best of luck to you kids--er kid and middle-aged man. I hope you two have a wonderful 3 months together and a quiet divorce that doesn't do too much damage to either of your careers.

A note to everyone else that lives in New York City

2005-06-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

You know what we don't do enough of as a city: make world record-settingly large items of food. I mean, "The Big Apple" is a pretty good start, but how much cooler would it be it it was: "New York: home of the World's largest plate of rice pilaf" - - or "New York: be sure to check out our 15-story Candy Corn in Union Square"?

Therefore, as means of getting this idea rolling, I am suggesting that we all, and by "we all" I mean entire population of New York, meet up in Central Park this Saturday, right by the Hans Christian Anderson with a baby duck statue, and make a monumentally large haggis. What do you say? I think it'll be fun. Maybe I'll bring a frisbee or something, too, so we have something to do while the haggis is cooking.

Odds

2005-06-10T23:25:00.000-04:00

So, in the last few day I have had all sorts of people email me, call me and stop me on the street asking: "Yo AntiPope! How do you know that your religion is the right one?"

Well, to be honest I don't. But, fortunately for me and all y'all I happen to be an avid gambler, especially with the immortal souls of others. Therefore, I base my spiritual decisions and devotions on a betting line. Now, Vegas is a bit too PC and KFC to make the betting lines on which is the one true faith available to the general public. Again fortunately for y'all and your souls immortal, I've got an in and have gots the goods. Therefore, as a public service, I give you the current Vegas odds on which is the one true religion:

6:5 - Catholicism. The favorites. Despite problems in America and Europe, Catholicism is making huge strides in the third world, tying up nicely with the meek shall inherit the earth stuff. Plus, the Vatican is really nice and I'm pretty sure only good people get nice things, for example Martha Stewart and Steely Dan.

Even - Rastafarianism. If you are going to put your hopes in an emperor who's country is continuously ravage by famine and got taken over by Italy, you must know something the rest of us don't.

2:1 Judaism. Always the underdog, their continued existence and current hold on the Holy Land ups this Rudy-esques religion’s chance of being the one true faith. Plus they get half credit if any number of Christian sects turns out to be right. Judaism would probably be even money if not for Woody Allen.

3:1 Voodoo. A bit of a sleeper.

5:1 Snake Handlers. Aww, come on, you know you want to, if only for the story.

6:1 Hinduism. So many gods, one's gotta be right. But lost all shot at being the favorites because of men with pony tales that smell of incense doing Yoga - that just ain't right.

8:1 Zoroastrianism. Lose points for being geographically centered in a country with the name of another religion in its name, but greatly helped out by a stunning performance by Antonio Banderas in the 1998 film adaptation of the faith.

9:1 Evangelical Christianity. Their man's got access to the Button and God likes buttons.

10:1 Shintoism. Ancestor worship can be cool, especially if you are the grandson of John Wayne (I mean, I'm not, but I imagine that kid would have a good time lighting candles and praying for the Duke's help with some school bullies, annoying coworkers or bands of violent Native Americans that are constantly raiding his small western mining town).

12:1 Mormonism. Lose points for having their prophet lose the original gold copies of their holy book and being too dependent on the truth of the revelations of the traditional Christian Churches. But gain points for playing in the high flyin', high scorin' WAC.

14:1 Buddhism. To paraphrase Animal House: Fat, bald and meditating is no way to go through life. Although, having monks that kick ass gives a major boost.

25:1 Confucism. Loses major points for not actually being a religion. As Confucius said "Square peg that is not square? Square peg indeed."

100: 1 Anglicanism/Episcopalianism. Come on, any religion founded by Henry VIII ain't right.

500:1 Atheism. Lose major points for its faithful getting absolutely fricking nothing if they're right.

For more information on world religions, please visit your local library.

Out of curiosity

2005-06-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

I have a question for my loyal readers and those of you that have stumbled across this site while trying to do research on the Nicene Creed for your final paper in Sister Brenda's 8th Grade "Early Church History Class" at the St. Nathaniel of the Feathered Hair School in Paramus, New Jersey:

Would you say that this site kicks more ass than an armless serial donkey abuser?

The AntiBunny

2005-06-06T16:34:00.000-04:00

It seems as if one of my readers is questioning whether or not Jimmy Carter's true nature is actually that of the Antichrist. This reader has doubt because "I'm not sure I believe the AntiChrist would be afraid of rabbits." To this reader I say: Please refer back to your Bible. Specifically please open to the Book of Tobit 5:12-17

"And the Beast shall hold dominion over half the world and force his lies on its peoples. Yet, even in these darkest of times the Lord is loving and forgiving. The Lord shall send from on high his rabbit, swimming into the very swamps of the Beasts lair, to offer the Lord's forgiveness. The Beast, though, flush with arrogance from his conquests shall reject the swimming bunny of the Lord: lashing out and attacking it with an oar. But Lo, for pride cometh before destruction and the Beast shall soon after be soundly defeated in the next general election by the Archangel Ronald."

Pope Alert - Jimmy Carter Identifies Self as AntiChrist!!!!

2005-06-04T14:16:00.000-04:00

In a recent speech at the University of Georgia, former President Jimmy Carter told the graduating class of 2005, that he was, in fact, the AntiChrist, The Angel of the Bottomless Pit, El Diablo, Beelzebu----

Not really. That was just a test.

I feel its best that we prepare ourselves for these things so we will know what to do when they actually happen.

Remember, if Jimmy Carter reveals his true nature as the Prince of Darkness to you:

Say No, then Go, and Tell someone you trust.

How much would it suck

2005-06-04T14:02:00.000-04:00

If you tried with all your might to become the next Johnny Cash, and you ended up as the next Willie Nelson?

Why haven't you named a winner in the Holy Roman Emperor contest?

2005-06-04T13:14:00.000-04:00

Why haven't I named a winner in the Holy Roman Emperor Contest? Well, I'll tell you. You see, I was told by two individuals, and they know who they are, that I would be receiving entries from them. These entries have not yet materialized. Given the importance of this position, I feel I owe it to myself and to Christendom itself to cast as wide a net as possible in looking for the Holy Roman Emperor. So I am waiting for these entries. However, time is running out; oh yes, time is running out.......

Pope FAQ: Traveling Pants

2005-06-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

Q: Is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants a religious order?

A: No.

Q: It'd be cool if is was though, huh?

A: No.

Q: Aww, come on.

A: Please stop talking to me about traveling pants.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute

2005-06-03T13:14:00.000-04:00

Q: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. "Tomorrow People" is a Ziggy Marley song. Its reggae. He's Bob Marley's son for Jah's sake, its got nothing to do with the comic strip.

A: You know that and I know that and the producers of VH1's "100 Greatest 1 Hit Second Generation Cross-Over Reggae Wonders" know that, but its a common misconception.

Q: Really?

A: Yup, seems there is a bit of an urban legend out there about the song.

Q: Ohhh, do tell!

A: Well, it seems as if alot of people believe that there never was a Ziggy Marley. Instead, they say that ABC hired a group of Bahamian studio musicians to record the song 1988. ABC was planning a live-action mini-series base on the comic strip, the legend goes, and released the song under the fictitious name "Ziggy Marley" with some random immigrant Jamaican man they found in Brooklyn starring in the video to begin promoting the show. Unfortunately, the show never even went into production, as Wilfred Brimley had to drop out of the starring role due to a scheduling conflict with the filming of Cocoon: The Return.

Q: Wow.

A: Yup.

Pope FAQ: Favorite Comic Strip

2005-06-03T12:48:00.000-04:00

Q: What's the Pope's favorite comic strip?

A: Ziggy.

Q: ...

A: ... ...

Q: You care to elaborate on that?

A: I would if I could, but I have no idea why he likes it?

Q: No idea?

A: Well, I mean, If I had to guess I'd say: short bald dude, no luck with the ladies, talking animals, never seems to be wearing pants - I think Benny can relate.

Q: Oh, I see.

A: Plus I think he really likes singing "Tomorrow People".

Ummm

2005-06-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

I'm done talking about Smurfs now.

Why sometimes I wish Ronald Reagan had been a Smurf

2005-06-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

How much cooler would it have been if he had said:

"Mr. Gorbachev, smurf this wall!"

Why I'm equally glad Moses was not a Smurf

2005-06-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not smurf strange gods before me.

Thou shalt not smurf the name of the Lord thy God in vain

Remember thou smurf the Sabbath Day.

Smurf thy Father and thy Mother

Thou shalt not smurf.

Thou shalt not smurf smurfery.

Thou shalt not smurf.

Thou shalt not smurf false witness against thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not smurf thy neighbour's wife.

Thou shalt not smurf thy neighbour's goods.

Why I'm glad Jesus wasn't a smurf:

2005-06-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

"Smurf ye after me, and I will make you smurfers of men"

"Smurf this temple, and in three days I will Smurf it up."

"The Smurfdom of Heaven is like a hidden treasure in the field, which a smurf smurfed, and smurfed. In his joy, he smurfs and smurfs all that he has, and smurfs that field"

"Smurfed are the meek: for they shall Smurf the earth."

"Smurfed are they that smurf: for they shall be Smurfed."

"He who Smurfs by the Smurf shall Smurf by the Smurf."

Why sometimes I wish Ronald Reagan had been a real world incarnation of a stereotypical 1970s inner-city black movie character

2005-06-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

How much cooler would it have been if he had said:

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall, sucka!"

Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Nuclear Fallout

2005-05-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

Is there a better post apocalyptic mail delivery movie than The Postman?

The Great Schism and You

2005-05-24T17:21:00.000-04:00

Walking around the street of New York, I can't tell you how many times I have been stopped by a mother and her children and asked to explain the Great Schism to the younglings. Therefore, as a public service and hopefully to decrease greatly the amount of time I spend talking about the Patriarch Caerularius with diminutive Manahttanites, I give you:

The Great Schism and You:
A child friendly story about the separation of the Eastern and Western Churches.

A long time ago, in the faraway kingdom of Christendom, in the City of Rome there lived a handsome Pope, named Leo IX.

The Lord God, through his Son's statements to Saint Peter, had put Leo in charge of all the peoples of Christendom. Leo loved his job and he tried everyday to make sure everyone did God's will. Everyone loved Leo, too: from the big furry Scots in the North, to the lithe, tan Spaniards in the South, to the smelly, cowardly French in the West.

But to the East, at the far edges of Christendom, in a land filled with mountains, deserts and volcanoes there were a group of people called the Orthoducks. The Orthoducks lived in the city of Constantinople and had long, flat noses, feathered hair, and they quacked when they talked.

One day Leo found out that the Orthoducks were using leavened bread in Mass. Now Leo knew that this was not what the Lord wanted, so he said to them:

"Sunday is a special day.
We should all eat flat bread to pleaseth the Lord.
Its only one day, so you shouldn't get bored"

But the Orthoducks and their leader Patriarch Michael Caerularius wouldn't listen to Leo. They should and jeered at Leo, saying to him:

"We will not eat flat bread you silly old man, not even for one day.
We will eat leavened bread and dip in it wine, we don't care what you say."

Now Leo was a patient man, so he did not punish the Orthoducks, even though they were acting against the will of the Lord.

Then, a little while later, Leo overheard an Orthoduck saying the Nicean Creed. Much to Leo's dismay the Orthoduck, when speaking about the origins of the Holy Spirit said He "proceed from the Father", but said nothing about the Son.

Leo knew that this was not right; the filioque clause was a part of the Creed and the Orthoducks were just leaving it out!

Again Leo went to talk to the Orthoducks:

"When saying the Creed you must mention the Son, for He is one with the Father.

If you leave out the Son, you're doing it all wrong and shouldn't even bother."

But once again the Orthoducks would not listen and Caerularius snapped back:

"We'll say the Creed how we want, filioque or no.

Now get back to Rome you silly bozo!"

Now Leo was hurt and quite a bit mad, but he held back his tongue and forgave the Orthoducks.

Finally, in 1054, Leo found out that Caerularius was claiming to have the same power over the spiritual lives of Christendom as Leo himself. Now Leo could not stand for this. As his power and his burden came from Jesus himself, he new something must be done.

Having had no luck himself in the past, this time Leo decided to send his best friend, Cardinal Humbert, to talk to the Orthoducks.

Humpert set out, hoping to solve the problem, but when he got there, everything went wrong. When Humpert told Caerularius that only the Pope had authority over Chistendom, Caerularius started screaming:

"The Pope's not the only leader in this world.

Don't even say so, it is simply absurd.

In fact, as of today Pope Leo's rule is terminated

because as of right now, he's excommunicated!"

At this Humpert got mad, lacking the patience of Leo, and yelled back:

"You silly Orthoduck your mind must have degraded

Its not the Pope, it's you that's excommunicated!"

With that Humpert left and sailed back to Rome to tell Leo of all that had happened. But when Humpert walked into the Vatican he heard awful news: Pope Leo had died while Humpert was away.

Leo had died from a broken heart that he could not save the Orthoducks from themselves and their treacherous leader. He died from the knowledge that all their souls and the souls of their children would burn in eternal hell fire until they accepted the one true Church.

To this day the Orthoducks are still around and have not returned to the Church.

Pope Leo did all he could to try to save them, but he just couldn't do it.

Can You?

Let me explain: you see,

2005-05-24T13:59:00.000-04:00

It was the heat of the moment, telling me what my heart meant, the heat of the moment showed in your eyes.

Official Spirits

2005-05-24T12:38:00.000-04:00

The official spirit of the United States is Bourbon.

The Official Spirit of Vatican City is the Holy Spir--err, actually, its Vodka.

Pope FAQ - Babylon

2005-05-23T15:26:00.000-04:00

Q: How long have you been in Babylon?

A: Too long.

Q: Have you been there all by yourself?

A: I have been with I.

For those that do not become Holy Roman Emperor

2005-05-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

You know what another cool job to get would be: Harbor Master of New York Harbor. You'd get to decide what ships get to go in and out and could perpetually hold ships of immigrants yearning for a new life outside the harbor, where the Statue of Liberty and the very freedom they dream of would be in view, yet just out of reach.

Even cooler, though, would be becoming the person in charge of who goes through the Panama Canal. Then, if like an Ex or your former boss showed up, captaining a large freighter, and was all "Hey, long time no see. Sooo, I've got this ship full of Ikea furniture I need to get to Japan ASAP, can I go through the Canal now?" You could be all "Ummm, yeah, sorry, but the Canal's all full up at the moment, you'll have to go around. Give the Straits of Magellan my best on your way by."

Speaking of the Panama Canal, did you know its 51 miles long, took nearly two, nonconsecutive decades to build and cost the lives of thousands of workers. Then, after all that, Jimmy Carter gave it away. God, I hate Jimmy Carter. Being Jimmy Carter would be a crappy job. No one who misses out on being Holy Roman Emperor should even consider taking a position as Jimmy Carter.

Contest Part 1 - Short Answers

2005-05-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

Below you will find the first part of the contest: 10 short answer questions that I believe will reveal who among you is qualified to be Holy Roman Emperor and who should be an Assistant Manager at a rural Utah 7 Eleven. You may answer all of them, some of them, one of them or none of them, it is up to you. The choice of Holy Roman Emperor will not be based on how many questions you answer, but rather how you answer them (also, I assume most people really don't feel like taking the time to answer all 10 questions, Lord knows I wouldn't).

1. Do you know the lyrics to "Hold on Loosely" by .38 Special? Would you be willing to use it as the song you enter rooms to a la "Hail to the Chief"?

2. Do you have experience managing others? What is your management style?

3. If God told me, and then I told you that you needed to invade a country asap, which country would you pick and why?

4. If you had the opportunity to kill me and claim my power as well as that of Holy Roman Emperor, would you? If so, how? (please note, I will not use this information to thwart your plans, I'm just curious how you'd go about it)

5. Do you have any experience ruling over people with an iron fist by the very will of almighty God?

6. What things do you look for in an Empire to rule?

7. Boxers or briefs?

8. Who is your least favorite saint? Who is your least favorite Steeler?

9. When posing for the currency of the realm, would you go with a front view or a profile?

10. How does this job fit in with your overall career goals?

Pope FAQ - German Popes

2005-05-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

Q: Why were there nearly 500 years between the current Pope and the last German, Hadrian VI?

A: No one likes sauerkraut as a side dish with Communion.

Excerpts from my ongoing discussion with Jesus about the 2005 Baseball Season

2005-05-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

On Barry Bonds's missing the first month and a half of the season

Me: So, do you think Barry will ever come back and maybe break Aaron's record?
Jesus: No, I think he's done...and, quite frankly, he was really supposed to stop about 37 homers ago, stupid steroids.
Me: Wait a minute: 703 minus 37...are you saying Barry Bonds is the AntiChrist?
Jesus: No, Yes, I mean...damn it. Look just don't tell anybody ok.

On the White Sox white hot start

Me: I don't think the White Sox can keep up this pace, especially playing small-ball.
Jesus: Ahh, but remember: He who lives by the homerun shall die by the homerun.
Me: What?
Jesus: Those that play fundamentally sound baseball shall inherit the pennant.
Me: Huh?
Jesus: Speed and defense are the rocks upon which I shall build my American League Champions.
Me: What? Are you just remixing your greatest hits with a few baseball references?
Jesus: Ask not what the White Sox can do for you, but what can you do--
Me: Hey, that's not even yours, that was JFK.
Jesus: Yes, I work in mysterious ways.

On Johnny Damon's long-haired, bearded look

Me: Dude, you totally look like Johnny Damon.
Jesus: Jerk.

On the A's struggling without Mulder and Hudson

Me: Heh, I guess Moneyball was just the Big 3, huh?
Jesus: What? I'm a Yankee fan, Dad's still a bit PO'ed about the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn and HS is more of a football fan, why would we help the A's?
Me: No, no, no. I meant Hudson, Mulder and Zito.
Jesus: Oh, sorry. I got confused. Its just, usually when people talk about the Big 3 around Me its about the whole Trinity thing.
Me: Oh. I totally didn't even think about that, I should have more clear.
Jesus: No biggie.

On Tino Martinez hitting 5 homeruns in 5 straight games

Me: Man, what's gotten into Tino lately?
Jesus: The Holy Spirit.

Who wants to be a Holy Roman Emperor

2005-05-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

As I embark on my AntiPoping journey, there are many dangers I will face, not the least of which is that of Vatican forces invading the Upper Eastside and taking me captive because of my usurpation of Papal power. An astute commenter (one Julian the Apostate) pointed out a means of potential defense against the hordes of the Papacy: ally myself with the Holy Roman Emperor. Of course, there being no Holy Roman Emperor at the moment is a bit of a fly in the sacramental ointment...but fear not, for solutions come to those that seek them and often involve overly elaborate plans involving lemurs, catamarans and high-explosives.

As there is no Holy Roman Emperor, the simple solution is to find one and crown him, after all one of the many powers I am currently claiming in opposition to the pontiff canonically elected is the ability to install divine right monarchs. Originally the idea of creating a Reality TV show to find a Holy Roman Emperor for me ally myself with was tossed around, but unfortunately at the moment I do not have the necessary contacts at any of the major networks (I am not having a show on UPN and that's final) to get such an idea green-lighted (speaking of which, I apparently also need to find a Holy Roman Network Executive to ally myself with, but that is a matter for another time). Therefore, I am left with but one option: use the shear awesome power of the internet and this most humble of pontifical-power-usurping blogs to find me a Holy Roman Emperor.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, its time for a blog contest, wahoo!!!! Sure other blogs have had contests, but none compare to this. Other sites have offered free t-shirts or an Amazon gift card as prizes in their contests, but I offer something much greater: the divine right to complete and absolute temporal dominion over all Christendom.

Its simple really: you swear to use your power to protect me from any and all invading Vatican forces and I will crown you Holy Roman Emperor. You let me deal with the spiritual world and I'll let you have this one. Should our spheres of influence ever come into conflict, a panel of 3 arbiters, chosen from a list of 11 retired Miss America Judges with expertise in matters metaphysical preapproved by both of us will decide the matter. And, should they be unable to reach a decision, we'll dig up Kennesaw Mountain Landis and make him decide.

The contest shall begin later this week. "Why later this week" you ask, because I'm not finished with it yet.

Should you have any suggestions on the contest, please feel free to bring them up in the comments. After all, I claim infallibility in matters of faith and morals, not internet contests.

Is this contest going to be the single greatest thing ever: PROBABLY!!!

Pope Alert - Financial Woes

2005-05-12T13:42:00.000-04:00

The Catholic Church is having some financial problems. The Church's checking account has been "hit by the falling dollar, sex abuse settlements and a growing diplomatic mission. " So what should the new Pope do? Well, if only to point out that the Cardinals made the wrong choice, I offer the following proactive solutions to the problem, many of which are outside of the box in the hopes of creating a new paradigm of religious financial success. Therefore Mr. New Pope, stop, collaborate and listen, you might learn something:

Create an elaborate pyramid scheme in which church-goers give 10% of their income to the Church in the hopes of buying their way to eternal salvation.
Remove the first 3 rows of pews from St. Peter's and install luxury boxes.
Cross-promotional tie-ins: If you don't think McDonald's would be down with an Eggs McBenedict breakfast sandwich you're crazy.
Cardinal Law kissing booth at this year's state-fair.
Stop paying priests overtime for working on Sundays.
Down-size - does anyone even know what a deacon does anyway?
If the girl-scouts can sell cookies door-to-door, why can't alterboys sell magazine subscriptions (sweeet, Details for only $1.35 an issue!!)?
Pray. And if that doesn' work try sacrificing something, the Lord used to dig a garroted goat or two back in the day.
Discover oil underneath the Sistine Chapel.
Allow beer sales to continue all the way through the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
Buy up 50.000001% of the stock of Anglicans R Us and force a merger with the Catholic Church.
Have priests stop molesting children.
Stage a kidnapping of the Pope and tell Catholics that they need to send money right away to pay the ransom or the Pope will be killed.
Sell off unprofitable subsidiaries like The Sisters of Christian Charity.
Open a Catholic themed amusement park - man, I can't wait to go on The Schism, best roller-coaster ever.
Take Miami(giving 5 1/2) over Washington tonight.
Allow people to enter Mass for free, but charge them ridiculously high prices for food and drink once there are inside (obviously, no outside hosts are permitted inside the church).
Involve Hillary Duff more prominently, she's box office gold.
Demand alimony from the Eastern Orthodox Churches.
Get an online degree from the University of Phoenix to increase your earning potential.
Self-service communion.

and finally

Invade Poland and exploit her natural resources to enrich the Church

Pope Alert - Pope Card

2005-05-11T13:09:00.000-04:00

Earlier this year Topps printed a one-of-a-kind Pope John Paul II card and included it in a pack of ordinary baseball cards. Whoever is lucky enough to find this card will be given a behind the scenes tour of the Vatican, their very own Umpa Lumpa and $1,000 worth of plenary indulgences to use at their own discretion.

The Pope card is actually just one in a series of cards feature historical figures. Topps also printed a Napoleon card, the finder of which was exciled to a small Atlantic island, and a Hellen Keller card, the finder of which we haven't heard or seen much of lately.

Pope Alert - Pollluting the Airwaves

2005-05-10T13:16:00.000-04:00

"A Roman Catholic cardinal and a priest in charge of Vatican Radio have been convicted of polluting the atmosphere" in an Italian court. The charges stem from a May 1999 incident in which Cardinal Roberto Tucci began his drive-time radio show (Cardinal Robbie's Rockin' Roman Rush Hour) by playing and replaying Sheryl Crow's cover of "Sweet Child O' Mine" for 1 hour and 45 minutes straight.

Is it bad

2005-05-09T13:07:00.000-04:00

Is it bad when the day you declare yourself the AntiPope you get struck down with a Biblical size case of the flu that has you bed-bound for a week? Probably!

But I am one to look on the brightside of things, so lets see what hasn't befallen me since my delaration:

My first born son has not died (this may have been facilitated by my lack of a first born son).
no intra-cetacean episodes to speak of.
no one I know turned into a condiment and/or a spice.
thumbscrews were applied, but they were just to take my mind off my headache and had nothing to do with any inquisitions or inquiries.
no fire, no brimstone, just Nyquil.
only temptation from Satan involved night-manager position at Dairy Queen
not sent to exile in Babylon, in fact, never really left apartment - but I did get to listen to Jimmy Cliff for a while, so I got that going for me.
Mayor Bloommberg's daughter has yet to ask for my head on platter, although she did ask me for my turducken recipe.
not expelled from any Garden's, although I was politelly asked not to go back to the salad bar at Olive Garden due to a sneezing fit.

sorry no blogging

2005-05-03T22:01:00.000-04:00

the flu has hit me like a ton of bricks, dragged by an elephant, on a locomotive...

Opposite Tract

2005-04-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last week and a half since losing the Papal election researching various procedural means I can use to obstruct the new pontiff's agenda. Let's face it though, filibustering and going on Larry King to denounce the Pope's policies is only going to get me so far when Benny has the nuclear option of speaking ex cathedra in his back pocket. Therefore, I believe I have only one option: become the Antipope .

That's right; I'm going to be "a false claimant of the Holy See in opposition to a pontiff canonically elected" (which should look sweet on my resume by the way).

It seems to be a pretty simple process to become an Antipope: there is no election, all I have to do is start to exercise "pontifical functions in defiance of the true occupant" of the "Papal Chair"-
Hell, that's easy. I'm pretty sure I've already started doing that: why, just last week I totally exercised universal coercive jurisdiction on this rude waiter at Outback (man is he going to be pissed when he finds out the reason he is writhing in hell-fire is because he forgot my Bloomin Onions and I fully bound that sin of omission to his soul for all eternity.)

Now, I'm sure some out there will object, pointing out that there hasn't been an Antipope in about 550 years, but I say that's all the more reason for me to take on the challenge. For one, I won't have to deal with comparisons to the last guy. While Benny is spending his days answering questions about why he isn't as charismatic, spiritual or tall as JP II, I will be out there pushing my agenda (what, is someone heckler going point out that I don't hold a candle to Amadeus of Savoy in terms of prudence, I don't think so).

Also, I think that not having an Antipope for all these years has lead to the Papacy getting soft. I mean, it’s not like constantly going up against the Archbishop of Canterbury is going to keep you in tiptop form. If nothing else, the presence of an Antipope should keep the Pope in good fighting shape for when the end of the world comes and he's got to go up against the Antichrist (who is not going to be pulling any punches or lollygagging around like the Archbishop of Canterbury).

So there you have it, I'm going to become the Antipope, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight ………………………………………………......……………NOW!

Wahoo, I'm the Antipope, go me! Now all I have to do is think of a cool Antipope name like Theodoric, or Vespasian or Stryper....

Pope Alert - They have spy tech, they know

2005-04-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

A Polish priest at the Vatican has been accused of spying on Pope John Paul II for the communists during the late 1970s and 1980s. I managed to get a hold of the private dairy he kept during those years. In it we can see what he was reporting back to the communists:

May 17, 1979: Pope is in fact Catholic.
October 27, 1979: Pope has lost that New Pope smell.
July 22, 1980: They keep talking about this Jesus fellow, but I haven't scene him around anywhere. I believe he is either a master of disguise, or that this is a code name for some unknown power propping up the Vatican (my first instinct is Mondale).
May 13, 1981: Pope shot, but still alive - Operation Dumbo Drop** is a failure.
April 2, 1982: Ratzinger stole my Eucharist money again during recess...God I hate him.
June 17, 1983: Everyone keeps telling me that JP II and I are 2/3 of the way to being able to change the lightbulbs in the Sistine Chapel...I don't get it...
March 4, 1984: Arinze smiled at me today during vespers..He's soooo dreamy.
September 16, 1984: Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on movin'.
August 19, 1985: I can report with confidence that the Pope has 14, repeat, 14 Divisions.
November 12, 1988: Been here 10 years, never once seen Pope poop in the woods.
January3, 1989 : Mr. and Mrs. Arinze...Cardinal and Mrs. Arinze...Cardinal and Mrs. Arinze , Esq..Wait a minute, do I--do I dare: Pope and Mrs. Arinze...sighhhhhh

**Very few people know that the attempted assassination of the Pope was the inspiration for the 1995 Disney film.

Popesploitation Update

2005-04-28T11:42:00.000-04:00

It appears as if the connection between the Papacy and Quentin Tarantino is occuring to more and more people by the day: Pope Fiction (Scene From) - via Ace of Spaces HQ.

Here is my take on it: Popesploitation #1 - "Pope Fiction"

Pope Alert - New Wheels

2005-04-27T12:49:00.000-04:00

The Pope held his first general audience today in Rome, but that is hardly the news of the day. No, the biggest papal story of this lovely spring day is how the Pope got to St. Peter's: "Benedict arrived in St. Peter's Square in an open-topped jeep-like vehicle surrounded by security guards." That's right, he's been Pope for like 8 days and he has already ditched the Popemoblile.

Personally, I think this is a PR mistake of catastrophic proportions for the Church. Think of it this way, we were all understandably upset when Val Kilmer took over for Michael Keaton in Batman Forever, and even more so when they ditched the real genius for George Clooney in Batman and Robin (and please don't even get me started about the Christian Bale nightmare that is about to be released upon us all). Thing this was, though, as many times as the actor changed, he still had the Batmobile so he was still Batman - heck, throw Jonathan Lipnicki in the Batmobile and I'll probably buy him as the Dark Knight, but put Michael Keaton in a minivan and he just isn't Batman. I just don't know if I can look at a guy riding around in something other than the Popemobile and think of him as the Pope.

I'm not sure the Church can deal with this kind of dramatic recasting of one of its biggest stars at this point in time. Mass attendance is down all over the US and Europe and now they take away the Popemobile, this does not bode well. Sure each Pope likes to put his own stamp on the Church, but come on...I mean, did anybody watch the Dukes of Hazard for Bo and Luke (or Vance and Coy for that matter) - no, you watched for Daisy and the General Lee....The Catholic church doesn't have a Daisy** and now the Pope is ditching the General Lee for a frickin Fiat SUV!! Not good times....

**Sure Arinze is a looker, but he doesn't have the legs to pull off jams, much less cut-off jean shorts.

I Wonder...

2005-04-27T11:43:00.000-04:00

What exactly were Wings running from? and wouldn't it have been easier for them to fly?

Pope Alert - Declaration of War

2005-04-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday "Pope Benedict Vow[ed] New Battle for Souls".

Elect aGerman Pope everyone said, they are very organized; elected a Teutonic Pontiff they said, they make great cars; elect a Prussian Vicar of Christ they said, I'm sure they got all that belligerence out of their system 50 years ago...Well, we elected a German and in less than a week we're at war, I hope you all are happy.

Sign of the Apocalypse?

2005-04-25T13:23:00.000-04:00

I can't find anything about it in Revelations, or even in Daniel, but I'm pretty sure is not a good sign when "As many as 1,000 toads have died after their bodies swelled to bursting point and then exploded". This might be a good time to make sure you have you Apocalypse Survival kit in order.

Ineffective Pope

2005-04-25T12:55:00.000-04:00

So, "Pope Benedict XVI said Monday that he had prayed to God during the conclave not to be elected pope ".

Now, let me get this straight: the dude can't even get G to the O to the D to do him a little favor, but we are supposed to let this guy lead the Church. I don't think so. I mean, seriously, how big a deal is it to get God to help you to not be something? Here, check it out: God, please make it so I am not a Bulgarian wig salesmen, Amen.

And look at me now: no wigs, not Slavic...not that difficult a trick, really.

Now imagine this all too likely scenerio happening in the next year or two with Mister I-would-say-Mass-but-Jesus-told-me-he-was-washing-His-hair-Sunday-morning as Pope:

One day all the faithful come running into the Vatican like "Il Papa, Il Papa! The antichrist, he has come, please do something, get the Lord to save us!"

And Benny goes "Ok, Ok, just gimmy a minute to finish my snitzel..[gulp]....Alrighty, Lord, Lord little help here, don't want to have the world fall into darkness, please help. This is you're voice on Earth calling, over."

But then Jesus is all "No comprende Inglés...cough*putz*cough."

And them Jimmy Carter bursts into the room and is all "MWAHAHAHA!!!! Where's your Messiah now?"

And we're all like "Noooo! If only we had a Pope who was one speaking terms with the Lord!"

And then we're all left in a bunny-less and canal-less world for the 1,000 year reign of Carter, all because we elected a Pope that can't even get God to take his phone calls.

Damn Varmits

2005-04-25T12:12:00.000-04:00

Now a cartoon raccoon and turtle are making fun of those of us not elected Pope.

Build a bridge out of him

2005-04-22T12:35:00.000-04:00

So, the Pope likes cats. And not just any ordinary cats, no, he likes cats that hang out in an "old cemetery". And not only does he like cemetary cats, but in the past the cats have seemed like they "knew him and loved him". In fact, the Pope and cats like each other so much that he has been in the habit of "talking to them, for quite a long time".

Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, I like to get all the facts before making up my mind on something but..... THE POPE IS A WITCH!!BURN HIM!!

So, ummm... part deux

2005-04-21T18:25:00.000-04:00

Do I need to change the name of this site?

Is it crass to be campaigning this close to the election, especially considering this Pope's age?

Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me.

Could I just change the name to: Devin for Pope Dotcom, but not right now, only after the current Pope has lived many more fruitful years and passed on peacefully in his sleep?

Or should I take the opposite tract: filibustering his choices for Cardinals, publically speaking out against his Indulgence reform plan and generally slowing down the business of the Church?

Pope Benedict XVI, Devin has invited you to open a Google mail account

2005-04-21T16:39:00.000-04:00

I've been using Gmail and thought you might like to try it out. Here's an invitation to create an account. Also, congratulations on being elected Pope...you just beat me out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Devin has invited you to open a free Gmail account.To accept this invitation and register for your account, visit [ invite link ] Once you create your account, Devin will be notified with your new @gmail.com address so you can stay in touch with Gmail!

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The Pope got email. I figured he could use the extra storage space...who couldn't, right?

So, ummm...

2005-04-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

Does anybody else need a Supreme Pontiff? Cause I'm kinda stuck in the lurch here....

Pope Retrospective or Poptrospective

2005-04-20T13:55:00.000-04:00

Well, its been over 24 hours since we saw all the hard work and effort put into getting Devin elected Pope crash and burn faster than Kevin Mass's career. As with all such campaigns, when you have lost it's time to take stock of things, to find out where you could have done things differenlty and, most importantly, to place blame. So let's take a look back at the reasons Devin is not the Pope:

The most obvious reason we lost and therefore the most obvious people to throw under the bus are the campaign staff, after all if it were not for that silly photo shoot of me trying to catch a greased pig, I might be Pope right now. The only problem is, I didn't actually hire any campaign staff. So, I'm just gonna go ahead and blame this on Bob Shrumm, its not like he'll notice having another loss on his record.
Probably should have known Satan would hedge his bets and make deals with severeal candidates.
Never getting that endorsement from Billy Ocean was not the best of moves.
Teapot Dome Scandal.
Scandal - "The Warrior".
Racism...I'm not really sure how electing a German instead of an Irish-American is racist, but just in case I ever do, I want to get this on record from the beginning.
Jimmy Carter - bastard.
Should have made a bigger deal out of them letting 17 former felons vote in the Conclave.
Got killed on a boar hunt.
Never should have publically stated my belief in the primacy of the Bishop of Edmonton.
Should have noticed when Germany started building tanks and airplanes in defiance of the Treaty of Versailles.
Recently beat the Holy Spirit in pick-up game of hoops...should have just let him win...
Misdirection of advertising dollars (in my defense, I just assumed Hustler was widely read in the College of Cardinals).
Plastics.
Should have responded quicker to charges of Pelagianism.
The candidate's lack of service in the Swiss guard certainly did not help (this isn't really my fault, as I'm not Swiss and look very bad in blue, orange and yellow parachute pants).
In retrospect, lobbying for the female vote might not have been the best use of time.
Needed a better Lefty specialist out of the bullpen.
Jimmy Carter - jerk.
The revelations of my attempts to have a Catholic and an Eastern Orthodox mate to create a Cathodox (bred for their skills in magic) may have driven some voters away.
Basing most of my theological positions on Indiana Jones movies was not a great idea.