Press Conference

First off, I'd like to thank you all for coming today as I officially throw my miter into the ring.

Now, I'm not the kind of candidate that goes around making all sorts of promises about what I will or will not do when I assume the Papacy. But let me just say, that if I am elected pope I will:

- create a Vatican Softball Team and arrange a pan-religious tournament with the world's other major faiths
- abolish the Vatican Ping Pong Team
- simplify the Tithe Code
- improve the Swiss guards rapid response teams for deployment at crisis points all over this world and beyond
- update the look of our convented and abbeyed colleagues
&
- reduce the size of Church bureaucracy by eliminating the unnecessary position of Monseigneur and giving the Deacons more responsibility.

Obviously, I have a much broader platform than can be detailed in a brief press conference. My campaign will be issuing numerous policy papers in the coming weeks and months until the position officially becomes available to better illuminate where I stand on the issues

I look forward to a spirited and fruitful debate with my revered opponents that will beget a better understanding of the Pontiff's role for the next 23 years.

In closing you may ask: for whom does the smoke waft? Ladies and Gentlemen, the white smoke wafts for me.