Things You Should Probably Know About Satan

In the interest of your immortal souls, these are some Things You Should Probably Know About Satan:

• Satan is often depicted as a serpent or a snake, as such, the holiest animal in Christianity is the mongoose.
• Jimmy Carter is not in fact Satan, although their similarities are often noted by the Lord and He is keeping all his options, both diplomatic and military, open for dealing with Mr. Carter (if you don't think St. Michael is itching for a fight with Jimmy Carter, you're fooling yourself).
• I really don't like Jimmy Carter.
• Satan has many aliases: Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Devil and recently managed to get a White House press pass under the name "Jeff Gannon".
• According to Dante the gates of Hell are inscribed with the words "Abandon all hope ye who enter here", there has been some second guessing by Satan's wife that the neighbors might stop by more often if they had used a more traditional welcome mat.
• See the thing is, I haven't even ever met Jimmy Carter and only lived through about half of his presidency, its just, I mean, arrgggghhh I hate Jimmy Carter.
• Satan tested Job's faith in God by killing his family, taking all his money and giving him boils and stuff. God got mad at Jonah for not wanting to be a prophet and made him sit inside of a whale. So you see, there's a lesson there.
• Satan tempted Jesus by taking him to the top of the temple and offering Him all the power in the world. Satan once tempted me by offering all you can eat waffles at IHOP (few people have compared my intestinal fortitude to that of the Lord).
• Satan was one of the founding members of Public Enemy, but left the group over "creative differences" with Flavor Flav.
• Remember Oliver on The O.C. Yeah, that was Satan.
• Remember Luke on The O.C. They should bring him back, he's was an enjoyable ancillary character.
• Satan and Santa are spelled with the same letters, they both wear red and black and I've never seen the 2 of them in the same picture, but Satan never got me a Playstation, so I like Santa more.
• While God inspired the Bible, Satan inspired the lyrics to "Informer" by white, Toronto-based rapper Snow.
• Satan probably wasn't hugged enough as a child.
• Satan voted for Jimmy Carter.
• Satan's name means "adversary" in Hebrew, which is really pretty lucky when you think about it.
• As a lad, I learned, much as Adam and Eve did, that you cannot simply blame your own mistakes on Satan (especially as its relatively hard to explain why exactly Satan would want an 8 year-old to put lime jello in his hair).
• I also learn as a child, however, that I could blame my mistakes on Jimmy Carter, as it was relatively easy to explain how Jimmy Carter would want an 8 year-old to give up the Panama Canal.
• Satan never actually left messages for people to hear when playing records backwards, because Satan figured noone listens to records backwards.
• Satan did once leave a message for me on my voicemail, but he was just wondering what I was doing for dinner because his plans fell through.
• An anagram for Satan is "A Stan", so you should probably stay away from people named Stan - yes, even your uncle, its better to be safe than sorry.
• Satan is a fallen angel: he "wants its all" and to "win big" and various other Poison lyrics.

That is all.