Concession Speech
Ladies and Gentlemen, first off I want to thank you all for your support. And I would like to take a moment to congratulate the new Pope cough*drownsbabyducks*cough. Cardinal Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, ran a great campaign and there is no definitive, incontrovertible evidence that he threatened the families of the Cardinals in the conclave.
Now, sure Ratzinger was in the Hitler Youth, but hey, my brother was in the Boy Scouts, same thing, right? And sure he was in the Nazi Army, but hey, "he deserted the Germany army in May 1945" - so what if VE Day was May 8, 1945 so he was deserting from an already-surrendered army. Let's put this all in context by looking at the words of his brother about being in the German Army: "Resistance was truly impossible" I mean, seriously, who has ever even heard of any "resistance" movement against the Nazi's...I can't think of any, can you?
Also, think of the fear that is currently pulsing through France - France is alot easier to get to than the Holy Land and we haven't had a crusade in a while (plus I'm pretty sure the Vatican doesn't have U-boats so American and British shipping shouldn't be disrupted).
As for the Devin for Pope Campaign, I don't want any of you to get discouraged by this result. After all, Ronald Reagan did not even win his party's nomination in 1976 and look what he ended up doing: toppling the Soviets, being endlessly parodied on SNL, napping. Granted his primary loss lead to The Dark Times, but think of it this way: the Catholic Church doesn't have any canals to give away and there are very few rabbits in Rome. So I don't look at today's result as a defeat, but rather as a delay; the Devin for Pope Campaign will continue. After all, there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no peanut butter without jelly, no Dokken without RATT, and no Pope Devin without Pope Benedict XVI. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get loaded.
Now, sure Ratzinger was in the Hitler Youth, but hey, my brother was in the Boy Scouts, same thing, right? And sure he was in the Nazi Army, but hey, "he deserted the Germany army in May 1945" - so what if VE Day was May 8, 1945 so he was deserting from an already-surrendered army. Let's put this all in context by looking at the words of his brother about being in the German Army: "Resistance was truly impossible" I mean, seriously, who has ever even heard of any "resistance" movement against the Nazi's...I can't think of any, can you?
Also, think of the fear that is currently pulsing through France - France is alot easier to get to than the Holy Land and we haven't had a crusade in a while (plus I'm pretty sure the Vatican doesn't have U-boats so American and British shipping shouldn't be disrupted).
As for the Devin for Pope Campaign, I don't want any of you to get discouraged by this result. After all, Ronald Reagan did not even win his party's nomination in 1976 and look what he ended up doing: toppling the Soviets, being endlessly parodied on SNL, napping. Granted his primary loss lead to The Dark Times, but think of it this way: the Catholic Church doesn't have any canals to give away and there are very few rabbits in Rome. So I don't look at today's result as a defeat, but rather as a delay; the Devin for Pope Campaign will continue. After all, there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no peanut butter without jelly, no Dokken without RATT, and no Pope Devin without Pope Benedict XVI. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get loaded.
posted by BertramWooster at 2:15 PM
2 Comments:
Not to rub salt in the wound, but what name would Devin have chosen if elected? Benny the sixteenth is rather unpapal.
I think there would have been a break from tradition, naming the pope a verb...I think Pope Prostelitizes would be pretty cool or it could be Pope Takes...and then be a really good pope so a bunch of later ones use the name, eventually getting to Pope Takes V
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