Poposcopes: Predictions for each sign of the Zodiac for 2006

Aries 3/21-4/19 - You will meet a lovely, dark-haired Italian girl while taking a ferry tour around the Isle of Capri. She will have bewitching eyes, a lyric, almost poetic laugh and smell like fresh rose petals. Be weary, though, as when she gets up to "freshin up" prior to dessert at the quaint little bistro you will dine at that night, she will , in fact, steal your digital camera as a birthday present for her one-armed Scandinavian boyfriend named Gunter.

Leo 7/23-8/22 - On October 22nd, you will finally find out what an Ocelot is.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 - You will gather 2 of every animal and create the worlds most famous, but also most controversal, All You Can Eat buffet.

Taurus 4/20-5/20 - You will met a large Italian man on the Staten Island ferry. He will weigh 283 pounds and smell like garlic. He will give you directions to the Number 4 train.

Virgo 8/23-9/22 - You will sit at home alone and quitely read National Geographic while enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir from 9:35-10:03 pm on March 5th.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 - Your stubborn refusal to believe in angels will lead to you being severely pummelled by 23 leather-clad bikers in a bar just outside of Tempe, Arizona.

Gemini 5/21-6/21 - You will find financial success, but spiritual doom, when you rework the Hail Mary into a gansta rap single.

Libra 9/23-10/22 - Saint Martin of Tours will appear to you in the remnants of your half-eaten quiche just prior to your proposing to your girlfriend to alert you to some spinach stuck in your teeth.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 - The Age of Aquarius will official come to an end this year.

Cancer 6/22-7/22 - You will be left behind.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 - God will intervine through a massive lightining strike and save you from a devistating defeat in Battleship to your 7 year-old cousin Ruddiger.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 - Horoscopes, and astrology in general, are considered heretical by the Church. You will probably go to hell just for reading this.