Pope FAQ: St. Patrick's Day

Q: Who decided to put St. Patrick's Day on a friday this year and what do they have against my liver?

A: Well I guess, ultimately, it was Gregory the XIII, who I'm pretty sure still thinks that his girlfriend was cheating on him with your liver

Your Pope is So Fat...Or, Why cardiologists make terrible comedians.

Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat.
You: How fat is he?
Cardiologist: Your Pope is so fat, that he really should drop 15 lbs, maybe 20 to be on the safe side, to avoid serious risk of heart disease and diabetes.

Pope Alert - Soviets Tried to kill JP II

So, an Italian inquiry has found that it was, in fact, the Soviets who were behind the attempted assasination of John Paul II in 1981. Which, I think, if I'm understanding all this properly, means I am officially in the clear!

Pope Facts: Mardi Gras

• Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday". If you happen to have a relative or friend named Marty, this fact can be pretty useful when teasing them
• While many find it crude and offensive, the traditional exchange of beads for the exposure of one's private parts is actually a tribute to the Native Americans that once lived on Manhattan.
• Mardi Gras was yesterday.
• Mardi Gras is one last day of reveling before the somber period of Lent. I am told that on the original Mardi Gras Jeus and the Apostles got totally wasted on Boilermakers at Bennigan's.
• Mardi Gras occurs every year on the Tuesday after Quinquagesima Sunday....seriously...look it up if you don't believe me.
• The idea of having drag queens parade down Bourbon Street in floats was originally the result of a friendly wager between Sir Edward Pakenham and Andrew Jackson.
• Mardi Gras, at its heart, is essentially a Cajun attempt to usurp from the Irish the power and wonder that is Saint Patrick's Day.
• If we ever get a Cajun Pope I am totally going to Rome to party. I'll be the guy in Saint Peter's Square lifting my shirt over my head hoping to get some Cardinal to toss me some rosary beads.
• In England the day before Ash Wednesday is refer to as "Shrove Tuesday"...god, the English can sure suck the fun out of pretty much anything, huh.
• Mardi Gras is also known as Pancake Tuesday in places like Australia, Ireland, and Canada. Why IHOP doesn't take advantage of the obvious marketing tie-ins is beyond me.
• I don't believe that in all my years I have ever had pancakes on a Tuesday.
• Pancakes have always been more of a weekend thing for me.
• I like pancakes alot, I just never really seem to have time to have them on Tuesdays.
• I seem to have drifted off topic.