Pope Improving, and we all know what that means

Well, news out of the Vatican is that the Pope "is well, his condition is improving". Now, to your average person this seems just like a ordinary, run-of-the-mill update on the Pontiff's health, but us Catholics know that this is code (yes, we Catholics have codes that we use to keep our secret plan to take over the world hidden***). Taking out my decoder cross, I deciphered the message and, it is what we have all hoped: "Pontiff Project nearly completed".

For you non-Catholics, or "heathen" as we refer to you when you're not around, out there who have no idea what this means, let me give you a little history lesson [please note that we have been given special permission to release this information by the Vatican as there is nothing any Protestant can do at this point to prevent the successful completion of the Project- ed.]:

The incredibly quick death of John Paul I in 1978 shocked and dismayed the faithful. Then, just two years later John Paul II was shot and nearly killed.

The Pope was rushed to the hospital and doctors managed to save his life, but the Pope's body was basically destroyed. When the Pope regained consciousness, he immediately met with the Synod of Bishops to decided what they could do, as an invalid Pope following in the footsteps of the quick death of his predecessor could only serve to weaken the office of Pope and the Catholic Empire, errr, Church.

They decided, right then and there, that they would rebuild the Pope, they had the technology.
Now, real life isn't science fiction, so they could not recreate the Pope's body all at once, the strain would have been to great. Instead, the Pope needed to undergo a series of operations over the course of the next 25 years.

As you can see from this list, http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,146095,00.html, the Pope has been in and out of the hospital over a dozen times since 1980 for "health problems". What was really happening during these visits to the hospital were a series of medical procedures, culminating in last weeks "tracheodomy" to turn him into The Six Million Prayer Pope - that's right, every time we hear about the Pope being rushed to the hospital with one aliment or another, its actually him getting another piece of bionic papal anatomy. One would think that the more astute non-Catholics out there would start to wonder how a man, in such apparently bad health could travel to over 100 countries and preach into his 70s, but fortunately for us, non-Catholics tend to be kind of dim.

We at Devin for Pope Dotcom have only "blessed" level Pope clearance, so even we cannot tell you what happened at each and every one of the Pope's trips to the hospital. Here, however is what we can tell you:

• In 1993 the Pope "dislocated his shoulder" and was taken to the hospital, where he was fitted with a bionic right arm that allows him to make the sign of the cross in less than 1/10th of a second, saving him valuable time when praying (interestingly, this incident was the inspiration for the film Rookie of the Year)
• In 1994 the Pope underwent "hip replacement surgery." Attached to this new hip was a bionic tale that allows him to us both hands to give "double-barreled" blessings, while not dropping his staff.
• In 1996 the Pope received a bionic eye, allowing him to zoom in on objects nearly 5 miles away. While this has very little influence on his Poping abilities, its still pretty cool.
• And finally, in February of 2005 the Pope was rushed to the hospital for a "tracheodomy." Prior to this surgery, the Pope spoke 8 languages, but now he can virtually "speak in tongues" and express himself in 110 languages (including, because he's such a Sci-Fi nut, Klingon) due to a nifty little device placed just above his larynx (also it has the added bonus of amplifying his voice so the people in the back of a Cathedral can really hear him).

Now, with this most recent success of the Tongues Device, our better, holier, humbler Pope is nearly completed, and there is nothing the Non-Caths can do about it.



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As a side note, to my knowledge, there is nothing to the rumors that attempts were made to turn Mother Teresa into the Bionic Nun in the early 1990s.
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*** The Catholic Church has asked us to tell you that there is no, repeat no, Catholic plan of world domination. That is all.