Steel Cage Pope
Anonymous C, founding member of Public Enemy and longtime commenter here at DFPdotC, recently asked:
Now, as many of you know, I have long been an opponent of Pope-on-Pope violence, working extensively with both Jesse Jackson and Nancy Reagan to try to quell the epidemic in the 1980s (in fact, I even co-wrote and stared alongside Helen Hunt in the ABC After School Special "Tattle: When to tell on the Pope"). That being said, I am willing to look at this idea with the objective eye of a TV Network Executive, to see if maybe we can make some money out of it.
First off, I see a problem in the fact that the Pope has, just like the rest of us, gotten soft in our modern technological wonder world (that's right, its like a trip to EPCOT everyday in the Vatican). You throw JP II in there with an Medieval Pope and he's gonna get his but whipped (I mean, this is a man who didn't even whomp on a dude that shot him when he had him hand-cuffed and in a jail cell, I don't think he's gonna be able to take on some 11th century Pope with a bad attitude and a mace, do you?) And, let's face it, the best way to get could ratings is with good fights - we don't want Urban to become the Catholic version of Mike Tyson in the early 90s, knocking out other Pope's in under 2 minutes. At the same time, though, we can't just be throwing out Dark Ages Popes that might be able to stay with Urban for a few rounds every week, as they don't have the name recognition to draw a big audience (are you going to tune in to see Agapetus II? Me neither).
Also, there is the problem of why would Popes want to fight each other. I mean they all have a lot in common, all being Popes and all, and would probably rather just play some pool, go bowling or something instead of fighting to the death.
Do not despair, though, I see two ways to keep the basic gist of this idea afloat.
First is to extend the fighting beyond the Catholic Church. Instead of Pope on Pope action, we could have the Archbishop of Canterbury taking on the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Henry VIII could throw down with John Calvin, or in a 2 on 1 match-up, Saints Andrew and Patrick could take on Saint George for control of the British Isles (yes, I know all three are Catholic, but I still pay to see it).
For a kick-off match, I would suggest the Dali Llama vs. The Pope. Its got everything you need to get the idea off the ground: people get to see the different fighting styles of east vs west, huge name recognition for both, and they are both presently alive (which should keep the tempo of the fight up) . I think the Llama would bust out some martial arts, a little Bool Kyo Mu Sool, and the Pope could use Western technology and innovation to combat the Llama's agility and quickness (although, with all the Pope's tracheotomies and bubble cars, this may well turn out more like an episode of Battle Bots, but I think it'd still be cool - just as long as the Pope does not turn out to be a wedge bot, I hate those things)
And then for sweeps week we could do the ultimate: Jesus vs Buddha in a no-holds barred grudge match, victory by knock-out or submission only, for the Undisputed Religion of the World Title. Man that'd be sweet, can you picture---actually, wait a minute that would suck: Buddha would be all "I'm not gonna fight you, I'm just gonna go sit underneath that bodi tree" and then Jesus would be like "Oh yeah, well I'm not gonna fight you either. In fact, I'm gonna go out in the desert to pray and fast, so take that". That would be the most boring fight ever...Unless, of course, we throw Mike Ditka into the fray....
Now, if people are afraid of starting a world war or something by having important historical religious figures battling to the death on a weekly basis on FOX, we can use my second idea: instead of Popes fighting each other, we have all the contenders to be the next Pope fight each other - Cardinals, Bishops, Devin, whomever wants to be Pope can jump in the ring and prove that they can be the rock of the Church(can you smeeeellllll what the Pope is cooking?!?!). In fact, in order to get the idea of the ground, I am gonna say it right here, right now:
If you put JP II and Pope Urban II in a steel cage match, who would win? Do you
have any dream Pope v. Pope matches you would like to see? How about your
favorite pope of all time against Mike Ditka? Who would win there?
Now, as many of you know, I have long been an opponent of Pope-on-Pope violence, working extensively with both Jesse Jackson and Nancy Reagan to try to quell the epidemic in the 1980s (in fact, I even co-wrote and stared alongside Helen Hunt in the ABC After School Special "Tattle: When to tell on the Pope"). That being said, I am willing to look at this idea with the objective eye of a TV Network Executive, to see if maybe we can make some money out of it.
First off, I see a problem in the fact that the Pope has, just like the rest of us, gotten soft in our modern technological wonder world (that's right, its like a trip to EPCOT everyday in the Vatican). You throw JP II in there with an Medieval Pope and he's gonna get his but whipped (I mean, this is a man who didn't even whomp on a dude that shot him when he had him hand-cuffed and in a jail cell, I don't think he's gonna be able to take on some 11th century Pope with a bad attitude and a mace, do you?) And, let's face it, the best way to get could ratings is with good fights - we don't want Urban to become the Catholic version of Mike Tyson in the early 90s, knocking out other Pope's in under 2 minutes. At the same time, though, we can't just be throwing out Dark Ages Popes that might be able to stay with Urban for a few rounds every week, as they don't have the name recognition to draw a big audience (are you going to tune in to see Agapetus II? Me neither).
Also, there is the problem of why would Popes want to fight each other. I mean they all have a lot in common, all being Popes and all, and would probably rather just play some pool, go bowling or something instead of fighting to the death.
Do not despair, though, I see two ways to keep the basic gist of this idea afloat.
First is to extend the fighting beyond the Catholic Church. Instead of Pope on Pope action, we could have the Archbishop of Canterbury taking on the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Henry VIII could throw down with John Calvin, or in a 2 on 1 match-up, Saints Andrew and Patrick could take on Saint George for control of the British Isles (yes, I know all three are Catholic, but I still pay to see it).
For a kick-off match, I would suggest the Dali Llama vs. The Pope. Its got everything you need to get the idea off the ground: people get to see the different fighting styles of east vs west, huge name recognition for both, and they are both presently alive (which should keep the tempo of the fight up) . I think the Llama would bust out some martial arts, a little Bool Kyo Mu Sool, and the Pope could use Western technology and innovation to combat the Llama's agility and quickness (although, with all the Pope's tracheotomies and bubble cars, this may well turn out more like an episode of Battle Bots, but I think it'd still be cool - just as long as the Pope does not turn out to be a wedge bot, I hate those things)
And then for sweeps week we could do the ultimate: Jesus vs Buddha in a no-holds barred grudge match, victory by knock-out or submission only, for the Undisputed Religion of the World Title. Man that'd be sweet, can you picture---actually, wait a minute that would suck: Buddha would be all "I'm not gonna fight you, I'm just gonna go sit underneath that bodi tree" and then Jesus would be like "Oh yeah, well I'm not gonna fight you either. In fact, I'm gonna go out in the desert to pray and fast, so take that". That would be the most boring fight ever...Unless, of course, we throw Mike Ditka into the fray....
Now, if people are afraid of starting a world war or something by having important historical religious figures battling to the death on a weekly basis on FOX, we can use my second idea: instead of Popes fighting each other, we have all the contenders to be the next Pope fight each other - Cardinals, Bishops, Devin, whomever wants to be Pope can jump in the ring and prove that they can be the rock of the Church(can you smeeeellllll what the Pope is cooking?!?!). In fact, in order to get the idea of the ground, I am gonna say it right here, right now:
Ratzinger, anytime,, anyplace: You vs. Devin - winner takes the Chair of Peter. Are you holy enough, huh?
posted by BertramWooster at 1:34 PM
10 Comments:
I've got Saint Andrew, that's pretty close...
True, but St. Columba has gotten really into roller durby lately, so I don't know that he's gonna want to do this, whereas I already have reach an agreement in principal for St. Andrew to be involved
Would Captain Lou Albano come out of retirement (rubber bands and all) to promote the saintly events? Would Cyndi Lauper sing the national anthem (or at least Amazing Grace at the end)?
Can we get the tag team of Welsh Dragons--St. David and his mother, St. Non--involved somehow?
OK, I have to throw my two cents in on this one since this was unfairly done while I was in Milwaukee and unable to access a computer.
Saint Patrick was actually Scottish. I think he could be an acceptable substitute for the afore mentioned Rowdy Roddy Piper, who will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame at the upcoming Wrestlemania (please do not ask me how I know this). I would much rather see Saints Andrew, Patrick, and George take each other on in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match for control of the British Isles....man, picture it, St. George doing the Swanton Bomb off the top of a 12' ladder onto St. Patrick who is lying on a table...and then, and then, Stone Cold Steve Austin could do a run in and hit St. Andrew with the ring bell........that would be cool
-C
Sorry about that earlier post....some chicks like watching the Bachelorette, some like Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy...me? I like the WWE. I digress.
I was just struck with a thought..what if we had some kind of tournament, a la the NCAA Hoops Tourney, to determine which patron saint is best? Naturally, your bigger saints, Mary, Joseph, any of the apostles, would get a first round bye....the play in game could be something like the patron saint against caterpillars, St. Magnus of Fussen, meeting up with the patron saint of Argentinian Pelota players, St. Francis Xavier.
-C
Would they be playing basketball?
Horse. Maybe some thumb wrestling?
-C
Horse. Maybe some thumb wrestling?
-C
Horse.
Horse.
-C
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