Odds

So, in the last few day I have had all sorts of people email me, call me and stop me on the street asking: "Yo AntiPope! How do you know that your religion is the right one?"

Well, to be honest I don't. But, fortunately for me and all y'all I happen to be an avid gambler, especially with the immortal souls of others. Therefore, I base my spiritual decisions and devotions on a betting line. Now, Vegas is a bit too PC and KFC to make the betting lines on which is the one true faith available to the general public. Again fortunately for y'all and your souls immortal, I've got an in and have gots the goods. Therefore, as a public service, I give you the current Vegas odds on which is the one true religion:

6:5 - Catholicism. The favorites. Despite problems in America and Europe, Catholicism is making huge strides in the third world, tying up nicely with the meek shall inherit the earth stuff. Plus, the Vatican is really nice and I'm pretty sure only good people get nice things, for example Martha Stewart and Steely Dan.

Even - Rastafarianism. If you are going to put your hopes in an emperor who's country is continuously ravage by famine and got taken over by Italy, you must know something the rest of us don't.

2:1 Judaism. Always the underdog, their continued existence and current hold on the Holy Land ups this Rudy-esques religion’s chance of being the one true faith. Plus they get half credit if any number of Christian sects turns out to be right. Judaism would probably be even money if not for Woody Allen.

3:1 Voodoo. A bit of a sleeper.

5:1 Snake Handlers. Aww, come on, you know you want to, if only for the story.

6:1 Hinduism. So many gods, one's gotta be right. But lost all shot at being the favorites because of men with pony tales that smell of incense doing Yoga - that just ain't right.

8:1 Zoroastrianism. Lose points for being geographically centered in a country with the name of another religion in its name, but greatly helped out by a stunning performance by Antonio Banderas in the 1998 film adaptation of the faith.

9:1 Evangelical Christianity. Their man's got access to the Button and God likes buttons.

10:1 Shintoism. Ancestor worship can be cool, especially if you are the grandson of John Wayne (I mean, I'm not, but I imagine that kid would have a good time lighting candles and praying for the Duke's help with some school bullies, annoying coworkers or bands of violent Native Americans that are constantly raiding his small western mining town).

12:1 Mormonism. Lose points for having their prophet lose the original gold copies of their holy book and being too dependent on the truth of the revelations of the traditional Christian Churches. But gain points for playing in the high flyin', high scorin' WAC.

14:1 Buddhism. To paraphrase Animal House: Fat, bald and meditating is no way to go through life. Although, having monks that kick ass gives a major boost.

25:1 Confucism. Loses major points for not actually being a religion. As Confucius said "Square peg that is not square? Square peg indeed."

100: 1 Anglicanism/Episcopalianism. Come on, any religion founded by Henry VIII ain't right.

500:1 Atheism. Lose major points for its faithful getting absolutely fricking nothing if they're right.


For more information on world religions, please visit your local library.