Policy Paper 1 - Women Priests
Devin released the policy paper below regarding Women Priests to the media earlier today. It is reprinted in its entirety below for your convenience.
As a result of the decline in the number of men entering the priesthood in recent years, there has been a good bit of talk regarding the possibility of the Church ordaining women priests. Now, there are all sorts of biblical, meteorological, mythological and musical arguments on both sides of this issue, but I am not going to get involved in those.
No, for me the biggest problem with women priests has always been etymological. Let me explain: When you are referring to a priest by name you use the title "Father" before there name. For example, if Terrell Owens were a priest, you would great him by saying "Hey, what's up Father T.O.". Now, if women were ordained, we really couldn't call them "Father" as this would confuse the children (and, as we all know, its all about the kids). The logical solution is to call them "Mother", but there is a problem there. You see, the title "Mother" is already used by us Catholics for the head of a nunnery (eg "Mother" Teresa). So basically, we are left with no unused and gender appropriate title for women priests (and, let's be honest, we need a title).
Now, for a lesser Papal candidate that would be it, but not for me. No, I don'tsimply point out problems and leave it at that, no, I think outside of the box and find solutions for your pontifical problems. And I have done just that for this problem:
I suggest a complete overhaul of the entire family-based titling of members of the clergy that will allow for the ordaining of women:
As a result of the decline in the number of men entering the priesthood in recent years, there has been a good bit of talk regarding the possibility of the Church ordaining women priests. Now, there are all sorts of biblical, meteorological, mythological and musical arguments on both sides of this issue, but I am not going to get involved in those.
No, for me the biggest problem with women priests has always been etymological. Let me explain: When you are referring to a priest by name you use the title "Father" before there name. For example, if Terrell Owens were a priest, you would great him by saying "Hey, what's up Father T.O.". Now, if women were ordained, we really couldn't call them "Father" as this would confuse the children (and, as we all know, its all about the kids). The logical solution is to call them "Mother", but there is a problem there. You see, the title "Mother" is already used by us Catholics for the head of a nunnery (eg "Mother" Teresa). So basically, we are left with no unused and gender appropriate title for women priests (and, let's be honest, we need a title).
Now, for a lesser Papal candidate that would be it, but not for me. No, I don'tsimply point out problems and leave it at that, no, I think outside of the box and find solutions for your pontifical problems. And I have done just that for this problem:
I suggest a complete overhaul of the entire family-based titling of members of the clergy that will allow for the ordaining of women:
- "Father" will remain for male priests and female priests will be referred to as "mother".
- Heads of nunnerys will now be referred to as Aunts. For example, a woman named Miriam that becomes the head of a nunnery will be called "Aunt Miriam" or "Auntie M" for short (this has the added bonus of allowing the church to piggy back on the popularity of the film The Wizard of Oz, and by the transitive property Pink Floyd, amongst the young people).
- Heads of abbeys (also known as monkeries) will now be called "Uncle". This also has a side benefit in recruiting. As you know, a disproportionately large number of Abbots are named Samuel, or Sam for short. Therefore in all the cities where there is an Abbott named Sam, we will essentially be able steal advertising from the US military.
- Deacons will be "Second Cousins".
- Eucharistic ministers will be called "Holy Waiters" (I know its not family related, but just imagine church as one big family going out to dinner together and it'll make more sense)
- Alter Servers will be "Damn Kids"
- And I, as Pope, will be referred to as -The Pope.
So there you have it, a well-thoughtout, practical plan to get around the etymological problems of female priests.
posted by BertramWooster at 5:45 PM
1 Comments:
Uriah Agincourt, Glasgow Penny Saver: Mr. Devin, the Italians have an expression "You always follow a fat Pope with a thin one". Likewise, the Welsh have a rhyme "If both Popes are portly, the Rapture comes shortly". In light of these maxims and the current Pontiff's relative portliness, I think it appropriate for you to give the faithful some idea of your personal girth. Also, could you please give us some color on your views on physical fitness and the clergy generally? Would you, for example, support the Vatican sponsoring a Serie A team?
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