Pope F.A.Q. #4 - Papal Pooches
Question: Does the Pope have a dog?
Answer: Well, he's got Cardinal Ratzinger. [ZING! - ed]...But seriously, no the Pope does not at present have a pooch, which, to me, seems like a serious missed opportunity. For an example of the value of a head of such a large powerful organization having a dog one need look no further than the President of the United States. They've all had them: Nixon had Checkers, Carter had Grits, Reagan had Lucky, Bush Volume 1 had Millie, Clinton had Hillary [ZING! - ed] and Bush 2.0 has Barney. Even if the Pope doesn't really like dogs, its just a good p.r. move to have one: let let people see that for all the seriousness and responsibility of the office, you have a softer, more human, playful side.
Now, for the Pope I see basically two ways he can go with getting a dog. One is to get one of those really annoying little yap dogs, like a chihuahua, a pekingese or Tara Reid [ZING! -ed] and then name it like John Calvin or Henry VIII and then spend all day shouting commands at it like: "Sit John Calvin," "Roll over Archbishop of Canterbury" or "Beg Henry VIII, BEG!"
The other option is to get a cool big dog like an Irish wolfhound or a really huge doberman and name it like "Crusader" or "Countereformation." Then the Pope could teach it to do really cool tricks like barking out the Beatitudes in Morse code or something. I'm pretty sure that Reagan taught his dog, Lucky, to tap out nuclear launch codes with its feet if anyone said "Soviet Missile Launch", just in case the president was incompacitated or napping when it happened and I know for a fact that Margeret Thatcher's dog could fly a Harrier. So, in closing, no, I do not think that the Vatican needs to develop its own atomic arsenal, as they are well covered by the Anglo-American nuclear umbrella, but the Pope should probably get a dog.
Answer: Well, he's got Cardinal Ratzinger. [ZING! - ed]...But seriously, no the Pope does not at present have a pooch, which, to me, seems like a serious missed opportunity. For an example of the value of a head of such a large powerful organization having a dog one need look no further than the President of the United States. They've all had them: Nixon had Checkers, Carter had Grits, Reagan had Lucky, Bush Volume 1 had Millie, Clinton had Hillary [ZING! - ed] and Bush 2.0 has Barney. Even if the Pope doesn't really like dogs, its just a good p.r. move to have one: let let people see that for all the seriousness and responsibility of the office, you have a softer, more human, playful side.
Now, for the Pope I see basically two ways he can go with getting a dog. One is to get one of those really annoying little yap dogs, like a chihuahua, a pekingese or Tara Reid [ZING! -ed] and then name it like John Calvin or Henry VIII and then spend all day shouting commands at it like: "Sit John Calvin," "Roll over Archbishop of Canterbury" or "Beg Henry VIII, BEG!"
The other option is to get a cool big dog like an Irish wolfhound or a really huge doberman and name it like "Crusader" or "Countereformation." Then the Pope could teach it to do really cool tricks like barking out the Beatitudes in Morse code or something. I'm pretty sure that Reagan taught his dog, Lucky, to tap out nuclear launch codes with its feet if anyone said "Soviet Missile Launch", just in case the president was incompacitated or napping when it happened and I know for a fact that Margeret Thatcher's dog could fly a Harrier. So, in closing, no, I do not think that the Vatican needs to develop its own atomic arsenal, as they are well covered by the Anglo-American nuclear umbrella, but the Pope should probably get a dog.
posted by BertramWooster at 12:52 PM
2 Comments:
Having a dog is a big responsibility, even for God's Representative on Earth. Since His Popeness is a very busy person, who would be the one to walk the Pontiff's Pooch? Would one of the College of Cardinals have to walk Scraps around the grounds of Vatican City with a pooper scooper? Or would they build Scraps his own dog park- a mini-St.Peter's for him to run around and do his dirty sinful business? Or would the dog be allowed to roam the basillica, leaving, um, offerings everywhere?
And another thing, will this holy doggie never know the touch of a female (ie- neutered?) or would the College of Cardinals risk having the equivalent of a bunch of canine Borgias trying to take their place at the Pope's side?
True, dog ownership is a big responsibility, but I'm betting that someone responsible for the spiritual well-being of over 1 billion people is probably up to it. As for the pooches "offerings", responsibility for this can probably be given to an alterboy (possibly the same one that cuts the pope's lawn and shovel's his driveway), either that or some kind of puppy pamper can be used.
Given the Church's stance on birth control, I don't think the papal pup would be spayed or neutered (regardless of Bob Barker's protestations). Instead, I'd imagine that any dog accepting the office of Pope's Dog would be required to take vows similar to those of a priest, including celebicy.
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