Interview With Devin's Brother
In order to give our readers a more complete view of Devin, the man who would be Pope, I just completed an interview with his brother, Arthur. I feel that through a person's family one can get a good impression of what kind of person he or she really is. Also, should Devin be elected Pope, Arthur would be thrust onto the international scene, and I think we all deserve to know if he will in any way embarrass the office his brother would hold (Lord know we don't want another Thomas Ford on you hands). The complete text of the interview follows:
BW: What's it like being the brother a legitimate Papal candidate?
A: It's been awfully exciting so far, with campaign getting into high gear and all.My primary roles were meant to be in the areas of canon law and security,but in a grassroots campaign like this, you end up doing what's needed atthe time. For example, one day last week I was in my office working ourposition brief on why capital punishment is an appropriate sanction forCardinal Law, when Devin called and said "Dude, I need you to fly toDamascus and bring the Syrian Jacobites home". Twelve hours later I'mhunting pigeons on Mt. Hermon with Ignatius Zakka I Iwas. And I'll tellyou, he's bloody lethal for a man of God. Incredible stuff. I have tosay, I've been tremendously impressed with the response we've gotten fromthe other Orthodox churches. I suspect this has a lot to do with that yearthat Devin had a 1.17 GAA for Dynamo Kiev.
BW: What will you do as Brother to the Vicar of Christ? Will there be a microbrew?
A: I think the real question is what won't I do. On the internal front, I think two of my most exciting plans are unanaesthetized castration for pedophile priests and the introduction of a Vatican team into the Serie A. People are also responding very, very favorably to our plan to modernize and expand the Swiss Guard into a force capable of both traditional and asymmetric warfare on multiple fronts. I hesitate to use the words "crusade" or "France" too soon, but if things go well we'll be talking about both in a couple of years. A couple of points on the microbrew question. As I think you know, many Catholic monasteries, particularly in Belgium and Germany, have traditionally produced some of world's best (and strongest) beers. Indeed, you could say the Trappists are the world's original microbrewers. So I think the first thing we're going to want to do is encourage and leverage the capacity we already have. We don't want to be reinventing the wheel or taking attention away from the Church's true master brewers. On the other hand, Devin and I are a huge fans of Guinness, and the Church does not currently have any significant in-house stout brewing capacity. Guinness, of course, is all but perfect, so there isn't really any need to make a traditional, regular-strength stout. So I think what you're likely to see, probably in the medium term, is some sort of special Papal Stout, perhaps an almost wine-like very strong one, or something that uses local Vatican flavorings, produced in very small batches. Certainly we'd want to get the Trappists involved in anything we do.
BW: If Devin is elected Pope, do you think he will continue to drown kittens in motor oil?
A: Actually, Devin hasn't drowned kittens in motor oil for many years. He's very concerned about the Church's dependence on foreign oil, particularly given that most motor oil comes from countries that actively persecute the Church. He currently uses sunflower oil for kitten drowning because sunflower oil is locallyproduced and widely available in the United States. I suspect he'll switch to olive oil (or wine), when he's elected and moves to Italy.
BW: What is your favorite movie?
A: Good question. It changes from time to time, but today I'd say either Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
BW: What was Devin like as a child? Were there any early signs of papacy in his blood? in his choice of breakfast cereal?
A: As a child? Generally he was small and young, though both of these things kind of tapered off as he got older. It's interesting that you ask the question about the blood. I remember one time when he was about ten, we were playing soccer with some of the neighborhood youths, and someone came in with a hard foul and sliced open Devin's knee. He started bleeding pretty bad, but what was amazing was that as the blood was flowing out you could see these little chi's and rho's floating in there. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it all makes perfect sense now. Same thing with the cereal. When we were kids, Mom and Dad always made us eat Alphabits. Our sister and I would just eat them all, but Devin would pick all the other letters out and only eat the A's and O's. Again, we thought nothing of it at the time, but it all makes sense now. Talk about ineffability.
BW: Steve roller-skates 8 miles per hour. One afternoon, Steve begins roller-skating and doesn't stop until he has gone 60 miles. How many hours did he spend roller-skating?
A: Seven and one half. He didn't live to enjoy his accomplishment though. Ignatius Zakka I Iwas shot him in Reno, just to watch him die.
BW: What is your impression of Pyongyang?
A: It's very pretty in May, but Winters are hell. Not much night life at all. I think things might liven up a little if they ever finish the Ryugyong Hotel.
BW: Is it true that Gail Sheehy's '92 article in "Vanity Fair," that said Bill Clinton's mother favored Bill over Roger and that Roger was always like the second son, and that might have been part of the reason you got into problems?
A: No. It's because I'm a lesbian.
BW: In a Devin Papacy, there has been talk that you would be appointed Nuncio to Lisbon, do you think this kind of nepotism has a place in the Vatican? in the Uffizi?
A: There has been talk of sending me to either Lisbon or Porto, but I don't think it's fair to characterize it as nepotism. I've been advising Devin on Portuguese and Brazilian issues for nearly a decade, and I think it's fair to say that I'd be aqualified candidate even if I weren't his brother. Not that I condone nepotism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John the Baptist, "I don't believe in The Pharisees, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
BW: Do you feel Devin has the marksmanship skills to make a good Pope?
A: Yes, though I would expect him to continue growing over the course of his papacy. Right now, I think it's fair to describe him as "world class" with the Springfield rifle, the Kalashnikov series and most modern shotguns. On the other hand, I'd describe his skill with modern revolvers as only "marksman" level, and I think he's only "qualified" with black powder weapons. I think Devin's skills are well beyond what you'd want to see in a newly elected Pope, but not quite where you'd want him to be ten or fifteen years into his reign. It's a process of continuous improvement, and I can't see any reason why he wouldn't stay a little ahead of the curve throughout his reign. Another thing to bear in mind is that comparisons to John Paul II aren't really fair. He had the benefit of some intensive, on-the-job training during his years working with the Wermacht, and I don't think anyone in this generation can compare to people who had that kind training.
BW: And finally, has Devin given you any indication of what name he may take as Pope?
A: He hasn't said anything specific, but I know he likes the letter V a lot. So you might expect to see something like "Valerian," "Vitellius," "Vespasian," "Volusianus," "Victorinus," "Vetriano," "Valentinian," "Valens," "Victor II," "Vigilius II," or "Valentinus II". I'd kind of like to see him go for "Sixtus VI", but I suppose that might give the evangelicals more ammunition for arguing that the Pope is the Antichrist.
BW: What's it like being the brother a legitimate Papal candidate?
A: It's been awfully exciting so far, with campaign getting into high gear and all.My primary roles were meant to be in the areas of canon law and security,but in a grassroots campaign like this, you end up doing what's needed atthe time. For example, one day last week I was in my office working ourposition brief on why capital punishment is an appropriate sanction forCardinal Law, when Devin called and said "Dude, I need you to fly toDamascus and bring the Syrian Jacobites home". Twelve hours later I'mhunting pigeons on Mt. Hermon with Ignatius Zakka I Iwas. And I'll tellyou, he's bloody lethal for a man of God. Incredible stuff. I have tosay, I've been tremendously impressed with the response we've gotten fromthe other Orthodox churches. I suspect this has a lot to do with that yearthat Devin had a 1.17 GAA for Dynamo Kiev.
BW: What will you do as Brother to the Vicar of Christ? Will there be a microbrew?
A: I think the real question is what won't I do. On the internal front, I think two of my most exciting plans are unanaesthetized castration for pedophile priests and the introduction of a Vatican team into the Serie A. People are also responding very, very favorably to our plan to modernize and expand the Swiss Guard into a force capable of both traditional and asymmetric warfare on multiple fronts. I hesitate to use the words "crusade" or "France" too soon, but if things go well we'll be talking about both in a couple of years. A couple of points on the microbrew question. As I think you know, many Catholic monasteries, particularly in Belgium and Germany, have traditionally produced some of world's best (and strongest) beers. Indeed, you could say the Trappists are the world's original microbrewers. So I think the first thing we're going to want to do is encourage and leverage the capacity we already have. We don't want to be reinventing the wheel or taking attention away from the Church's true master brewers. On the other hand, Devin and I are a huge fans of Guinness, and the Church does not currently have any significant in-house stout brewing capacity. Guinness, of course, is all but perfect, so there isn't really any need to make a traditional, regular-strength stout. So I think what you're likely to see, probably in the medium term, is some sort of special Papal Stout, perhaps an almost wine-like very strong one, or something that uses local Vatican flavorings, produced in very small batches. Certainly we'd want to get the Trappists involved in anything we do.
BW: If Devin is elected Pope, do you think he will continue to drown kittens in motor oil?
A: Actually, Devin hasn't drowned kittens in motor oil for many years. He's very concerned about the Church's dependence on foreign oil, particularly given that most motor oil comes from countries that actively persecute the Church. He currently uses sunflower oil for kitten drowning because sunflower oil is locallyproduced and widely available in the United States. I suspect he'll switch to olive oil (or wine), when he's elected and moves to Italy.
BW: What is your favorite movie?
A: Good question. It changes from time to time, but today I'd say either Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
BW: What was Devin like as a child? Were there any early signs of papacy in his blood? in his choice of breakfast cereal?
A: As a child? Generally he was small and young, though both of these things kind of tapered off as he got older. It's interesting that you ask the question about the blood. I remember one time when he was about ten, we were playing soccer with some of the neighborhood youths, and someone came in with a hard foul and sliced open Devin's knee. He started bleeding pretty bad, but what was amazing was that as the blood was flowing out you could see these little chi's and rho's floating in there. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it all makes perfect sense now. Same thing with the cereal. When we were kids, Mom and Dad always made us eat Alphabits. Our sister and I would just eat them all, but Devin would pick all the other letters out and only eat the A's and O's. Again, we thought nothing of it at the time, but it all makes sense now. Talk about ineffability.
BW: Steve roller-skates 8 miles per hour. One afternoon, Steve begins roller-skating and doesn't stop until he has gone 60 miles. How many hours did he spend roller-skating?
A: Seven and one half. He didn't live to enjoy his accomplishment though. Ignatius Zakka I Iwas shot him in Reno, just to watch him die.
BW: What is your impression of Pyongyang?
A: It's very pretty in May, but Winters are hell. Not much night life at all. I think things might liven up a little if they ever finish the Ryugyong Hotel.
BW: Is it true that Gail Sheehy's '92 article in "Vanity Fair," that said Bill Clinton's mother favored Bill over Roger and that Roger was always like the second son, and that might have been part of the reason you got into problems?
A: No. It's because I'm a lesbian.
BW: In a Devin Papacy, there has been talk that you would be appointed Nuncio to Lisbon, do you think this kind of nepotism has a place in the Vatican? in the Uffizi?
A: There has been talk of sending me to either Lisbon or Porto, but I don't think it's fair to characterize it as nepotism. I've been advising Devin on Portuguese and Brazilian issues for nearly a decade, and I think it's fair to say that I'd be aqualified candidate even if I weren't his brother. Not that I condone nepotism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John the Baptist, "I don't believe in The Pharisees, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
BW: Do you feel Devin has the marksmanship skills to make a good Pope?
A: Yes, though I would expect him to continue growing over the course of his papacy. Right now, I think it's fair to describe him as "world class" with the Springfield rifle, the Kalashnikov series and most modern shotguns. On the other hand, I'd describe his skill with modern revolvers as only "marksman" level, and I think he's only "qualified" with black powder weapons. I think Devin's skills are well beyond what you'd want to see in a newly elected Pope, but not quite where you'd want him to be ten or fifteen years into his reign. It's a process of continuous improvement, and I can't see any reason why he wouldn't stay a little ahead of the curve throughout his reign. Another thing to bear in mind is that comparisons to John Paul II aren't really fair. He had the benefit of some intensive, on-the-job training during his years working with the Wermacht, and I don't think anyone in this generation can compare to people who had that kind training.
BW: And finally, has Devin given you any indication of what name he may take as Pope?
A: He hasn't said anything specific, but I know he likes the letter V a lot. So you might expect to see something like "Valerian," "Vitellius," "Vespasian," "Volusianus," "Victorinus," "Vetriano," "Valentinian," "Valens," "Victor II," "Vigilius II," or "Valentinus II". I'd kind of like to see him go for "Sixtus VI", but I suppose that might give the evangelicals more ammunition for arguing that the Pope is the Antichrist.
posted by BertramWooster at 10:07 PM
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