Pope Safety Tips- The Apocalypse

No one ever thinks that the Apocalypse can happen to them, so few people are truly prepared for the end of the world. Our motto here at Devin for Pope Dotcom is: Be Prepared (for the violent destruction of the world as a result of the final battle between the Lord and Satan). Therefore, we offer you the following tips that should keep you and yours safe if the Apocalypse ever happens to you:

• Lock up all your trumpets and, just to be on the safe side, anything else you may have in the brass or woodwind families.
• Jesus is gonna come through the Apocalypse unscathed, so if you see Jesus, stand behind Him.
• The number of the beast is 666, kill everyone born in June.
• If you get the Apocalypse in your eyes, rinse them out with cool water.
• Alot of the Apocalypse will likely include fire, go here to brush up on your fire safety routine.
• Avoid boar hunts.
• The dead need to rise from their graves to participate in the final judgment, so try not to stare.
• Keep a flash light by your bed.
• In the unlikely event of the Apocalypse, your soul can be used as a flotation device (assuming its not stained black from a lifetime of sin, you hussy).
• The Maginot Line will only be effective if Satan attacks it directly, defend you border with Belgium.
• Put down the ham hock, fatty! Its the frickin' Apocalypse, can't you stop eating for a minute.
• Avoid the Belmont Stakes.
• Fortunately for all of us, we live in an over-protective mommy state, so the Apocalypse will actually come with warning labels on it (Hot Apocalypse inside, handle with care).
• Always wear clean underwear. You don't want to be taken bodily up to heaven or cast into a lake of eternal fire with dirty underwear on, do you?
• Satan hates garlic.
• The moon will turn to blood right before the Apocalypse, so keep an eye out for that.
• I'm not sure how long the Apocalypse will take, so you should probably bring a sweater and maybe a power bar or two.