Pope Alert - Financial Woes

The Catholic Church is having some financial problems. The Church's checking account has been "hit by the falling dollar, sex abuse settlements and a growing diplomatic mission. " So what should the new Pope do? Well, if only to point out that the Cardinals made the wrong choice, I offer the following proactive solutions to the problem, many of which are outside of the box in the hopes of creating a new paradigm of religious financial success. Therefore Mr. New Pope, stop, collaborate and listen, you might learn something:

• Create an elaborate pyramid scheme in which church-goers give 10% of their income to the Church in the hopes of buying their way to eternal salvation.
• Remove the first 3 rows of pews from St. Peter's and install luxury boxes.
• Cross-promotional tie-ins: If you don't think McDonald's would be down with an Eggs McBenedict breakfast sandwich you're crazy.
• Cardinal Law kissing booth at this year's state-fair.
• Stop paying priests overtime for working on Sundays.
• Down-size - does anyone even know what a deacon does anyway?
• If the girl-scouts can sell cookies door-to-door, why can't alterboys sell magazine subscriptions (sweeet, Details for only $1.35 an issue!!)?
• Pray. And if that doesn' work try sacrificing something, the Lord used to dig a garroted goat or two back in the day.
• Discover oil underneath the Sistine Chapel.
• Allow beer sales to continue all the way through the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
• Buy up 50.000001% of the stock of Anglicans R Us and force a merger with the Catholic Church.
• Have priests stop molesting children.
• Stage a kidnapping of the Pope and tell Catholics that they need to send money right away to pay the ransom or the Pope will be killed.
• Sell off unprofitable subsidiaries like The Sisters of Christian Charity.
• Open a Catholic themed amusement park - man, I can't wait to go on The Schism, best roller-coaster ever.
• Take Miami(giving 5 1/2) over Washington tonight.
• Allow people to enter Mass for free, but charge them ridiculously high prices for food and drink once there are inside (obviously, no outside hosts are permitted inside the church).
• Involve Hillary Duff more prominently, she's box office gold.
• Demand alimony from the Eastern Orthodox Churches.
• Get an online degree from the University of Phoenix to increase your earning potential.
• Self-service communion.

and finally

• Invade Poland and exploit her natural resources to enrich the Church