Opposite Tract
I have spent the last week and a half since losing the Papal election researching various procedural means I can use to obstruct the new pontiff's agenda. Let's face it though, filibustering and going on Larry King to denounce the Pope's policies is only going to get me so far when Benny has the nuclear option of speaking ex cathedra in his back pocket. Therefore, I believe I have only one option: become the Antipope .
That's right; I'm going to be "a false claimant of the Holy See in opposition to a pontiff canonically elected" (which should look sweet on my resume by the way).
It seems to be a pretty simple process to become an Antipope: there is no election, all I have to do is start to exercise "pontifical functions in defiance of the true occupant" of the "Papal Chair"-
Hell, that's easy. I'm pretty sure I've already started doing that: why, just last week I totally exercised universal coercive jurisdiction on this rude waiter at Outback (man is he going to be pissed when he finds out the reason he is writhing in hell-fire is because he forgot my Bloomin Onions and I fully bound that sin of omission to his soul for all eternity.)
Now, I'm sure some out there will object, pointing out that there hasn't been an Antipope in about 550 years, but I say that's all the more reason for me to take on the challenge. For one, I won't have to deal with comparisons to the last guy. While Benny is spending his days answering questions about why he isn't as charismatic, spiritual or tall as JP II, I will be out there pushing my agenda (what, is someone heckler going point out that I don't hold a candle to Amadeus of Savoy in terms of prudence, I don't think so).
Also, I think that not having an Antipope for all these years has lead to the Papacy getting soft. I mean, it’s not like constantly going up against the Archbishop of Canterbury is going to keep you in tiptop form. If nothing else, the presence of an Antipope should keep the Pope in good fighting shape for when the end of the world comes and he's got to go up against the Antichrist (who is not going to be pulling any punches or lollygagging around like the Archbishop of Canterbury).
So there you have it, I'm going to become the Antipope, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight ………………………………………………......……………NOW!
Wahoo, I'm the Antipope, go me! Now all I have to do is think of a cool Antipope name like Theodoric, or Vespasian or Stryper....
That's right; I'm going to be "a false claimant of the Holy See in opposition to a pontiff canonically elected" (which should look sweet on my resume by the way).
It seems to be a pretty simple process to become an Antipope: there is no election, all I have to do is start to exercise "pontifical functions in defiance of the true occupant" of the "Papal Chair"-
Hell, that's easy. I'm pretty sure I've already started doing that: why, just last week I totally exercised universal coercive jurisdiction on this rude waiter at Outback (man is he going to be pissed when he finds out the reason he is writhing in hell-fire is because he forgot my Bloomin Onions and I fully bound that sin of omission to his soul for all eternity.)
Now, I'm sure some out there will object, pointing out that there hasn't been an Antipope in about 550 years, but I say that's all the more reason for me to take on the challenge. For one, I won't have to deal with comparisons to the last guy. While Benny is spending his days answering questions about why he isn't as charismatic, spiritual or tall as JP II, I will be out there pushing my agenda (what, is someone heckler going point out that I don't hold a candle to Amadeus of Savoy in terms of prudence, I don't think so).
Also, I think that not having an Antipope for all these years has lead to the Papacy getting soft. I mean, it’s not like constantly going up against the Archbishop of Canterbury is going to keep you in tiptop form. If nothing else, the presence of an Antipope should keep the Pope in good fighting shape for when the end of the world comes and he's got to go up against the Antichrist (who is not going to be pulling any punches or lollygagging around like the Archbishop of Canterbury).
So there you have it, I'm going to become the Antipope, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight ………………………………………………......……………NOW!
Wahoo, I'm the Antipope, go me! Now all I have to do is think of a cool Antipope name like Theodoric, or Vespasian or Stryper....
posted by BertramWooster at 2:05 PM
7 Comments:
I don't think I want to elevate a crooney (don't want to be accused of nepotism right out of the box, after all, that's what brought down Ursicinus)...But I like the idea of a reality show contest to be the holy roman empero. I see it as a combination of the Apprentice and the World Strongest Man Competition (not because I really care if the person is strong, but if we include this aspect there is a good chance
i good endu p with someone named magnus as the holy roman emperor, which would be sweet).
boooooo
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