Complaints recently fielded by the Communion of Saints Ombudsman

Complaint: "I lost my keys like 6 monthes ago and still haven't received a response from St. Antony. What's up with that?"
Ombudsman: "Sir, you should have been praying to St. Anthony of Padua for help with your lost keys. If you prayed to St. Antony, its likely that your prayer was sent to Antony of Vilna, who is, well, one of the patron saints of Lithuania (great guy, but more likely to have you fall under Soviet oppression than find your keys)....Common mistake, I will forward on your prayer and you should find your keys in 2-3 business days.

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Complaint: "My (sob) cat Gustov (sob) just died. I prayed (sob) and prayed (weep) to St. Francis, but she still died."
Ombusman: "I am sorry to hear about your loss. While St. Francis is the patron of animals, unfortunately he has no control over life and death. That dread responsibility falls on the Lord God alone, please redirect your complaint to a member of the Trinity."

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Complaint: "My computer just crashed and I think I might have lost the entire spreadsheet I was working on...who should I prayer to for help?"
Ombudsman: "umm, errr, Saint Computus of, umm, Siliconia...no, damn, I don't even know,we're not too tech savy up here...does your computer's user guide maybe have a help number on it? Just make sure Bill Gates gets cannonized when he dies so we can have someone to deal with this stuff."

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Complaint: "I wanted a playstation 2 for christmas, I was a good boy, but St. Nicolas didn't bring me one...I, I wrote him a letter and everything, but still no playstaion"
Ombudsman: "Son, you're looking for Santa Claus, not St. Nicholas. While the two names are commonly used synonymously in popular culture they are not in fact the same person. Please direct your complaints to Santa Claus or one of his elves, last I check he has hanging out around Madison Square Garden."

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Complaint: "My Whopper was cold and I asked for no onions."
Ombudsman: "Umm, ok, that's really not the kind of thing we do around here."

If Abe Lincoln had been more like Jesus

(gunshot)
John Wilkes Booth: "Sic semper tyrannis!!!"
Audience Member: "Oh my God! He's shot the president! The president is dead!!!!!"
Audience Member 2: "Oh no!! The president is dead!!"
...
....
....
Abe Lincoln (jumping to his feet): "It's alright everybody! I'm OK!"

Harry Potter and the Bishop of Rome

As you may have seen on the Drudge Report (or, as they call it in Mexico "El Ganapan Reportaje"), it seems as if our current pope, the "Panzer Pope" as the kids are calling him these days, wrote a letter opposing the Harry Potter books back in the day.

Many people have jumped to the conclusion that the Luger of Christ's issue with the little, four-eyed, preppie Merlin-impersonator is that he performs witchcraft, which the Catholic Church opposes (please consult "Inquisition, the" and "Uppity Women, the torturing and burning of" in your encyclopedia for more information).

Now, as you can guess from the fact that I just wrote "jumped to the conclusion", this is not the real issue that the U-boat Pontiff has with the young, bespectacled, trust-fund Wiccan. No, in fact the Messerschmitt Primate, has all sorts of issues with the wee, vision-impaired Calypso-spawn and, as luck would have it, they are listed below:

• Quidditch makes no frickin sense...I mean, I catch the stupid gold thing and my team wins, what the hell is the point of the rest of the game? My teammates are risking their lives whipping around at 90 MPH, 100 feet off the ground on twigs and nothing they do matters if I catch the stupid gold thing?!?!
• I think Hermionie should hook up with that nice,Aryann Draco Malfoy.
• How exactly does one become a "professor" at Hogwarts? Is there some other school somewhere that offers post-graduate wizarding classes?
• Hogwarts really should focus more on the 3 Rs, I mean, being able to mix an anti-petrification potion is nice, but so is being able to add and subtract. Let me tell you, no amount of understanding of the nature of werewolves is going to help you figure out the tip at dinner.
• I really don't like Ron.
• Drinking Unicorn blood really gets a bad rap...Sure the unicorn dies and sure it can keep even the most evil of creatures aliveindefinitelyy, but itprovidess a hangover free buzz like nothing I've ever drunk before.
• Also, let me get this straight, I need a signed permission slip to go into town, but going off in the deep, dark forest to hunt some unknown beast that's killing all the unicorns is just part of my detention?
• So, umm, rather than taking this kid off to school for a few months and then sending him back to his abusive aunt and uncle for the summer, how about maybe calling Child Services?
• Why does there have to be all this black magic and violence, back when I was a kid in Germany we read nice wholesome stories by the Brothers Grimm, no violence or black magic there, no sir-e-bob.
• Seriously, QUIDDITCH MAKES NO SENSE
  
  
  
  
  
  

A Physiological Question

So, we are basically physically made up of the same stuff as animals like dogs and cats, right? I mean, there's the whole biped v. quadraped thing, but we all have bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, etc...so how come when I'm watching Animal Planet I never see a lion running and about to pounce on a gazelle's back pull up lame, Ken-Griffey-Jr.-around-third-base-style, with a pulled hammy?
And if we're made in God's image, does He have the same problems? Is this why She needed to rest on the 7th day, did He throw too many pitches on the 6th day and hurt his arm? Was Dusty Baker somehow to blame? Is God better now? Did the Lord Almighty have Tommy John surgery? Or did the overexersion end His career as a world make? Is this why we haven't found life on any other planets?