Harry Potter and the Bishop of Rome

As you may have seen on the Drudge Report (or, as they call it in Mexico "El Ganapan Reportaje"), it seems as if our current pope, the "Panzer Pope" as the kids are calling him these days, wrote a letter opposing the Harry Potter books back in the day.

Many people have jumped to the conclusion that the Luger of Christ's issue with the little, four-eyed, preppie Merlin-impersonator is that he performs witchcraft, which the Catholic Church opposes (please consult "Inquisition, the" and "Uppity Women, the torturing and burning of" in your encyclopedia for more information).

Now, as you can guess from the fact that I just wrote "jumped to the conclusion", this is not the real issue that the U-boat Pontiff has with the young, bespectacled, trust-fund Wiccan. No, in fact the Messerschmitt Primate, has all sorts of issues with the wee, vision-impaired Calypso-spawn and, as luck would have it, they are listed below:

• Quidditch makes no frickin sense...I mean, I catch the stupid gold thing and my team wins, what the hell is the point of the rest of the game? My teammates are risking their lives whipping around at 90 MPH, 100 feet off the ground on twigs and nothing they do matters if I catch the stupid gold thing?!?!
• I think Hermionie should hook up with that nice,Aryann Draco Malfoy.
• How exactly does one become a "professor" at Hogwarts? Is there some other school somewhere that offers post-graduate wizarding classes?
• Hogwarts really should focus more on the 3 Rs, I mean, being able to mix an anti-petrification potion is nice, but so is being able to add and subtract. Let me tell you, no amount of understanding of the nature of werewolves is going to help you figure out the tip at dinner.
• I really don't like Ron.
• Drinking Unicorn blood really gets a bad rap...Sure the unicorn dies and sure it can keep even the most evil of creatures aliveindefinitelyy, but itprovidess a hangover free buzz like nothing I've ever drunk before.
• Also, let me get this straight, I need a signed permission slip to go into town, but going off in the deep, dark forest to hunt some unknown beast that's killing all the unicorns is just part of my detention?
• So, umm, rather than taking this kid off to school for a few months and then sending him back to his abusive aunt and uncle for the summer, how about maybe calling Child Services?
• Why does there have to be all this black magic and violence, back when I was a kid in Germany we read nice wholesome stories by the Brothers Grimm, no violence or black magic there, no sir-e-bob.
• Seriously, QUIDDITCH MAKES NO SENSE