Complaints recently fielded by the Communion of Saints Ombudsman
Complaint: "I lost my keys like 6 monthes ago and still haven't received a response from St. Antony. What's up with that?"
Ombudsman: "Sir, you should have been praying to St. Anthony of Padua for help with your lost keys. If you prayed to St. Antony, its likely that your prayer was sent to Antony of Vilna, who is, well, one of the patron saints of Lithuania (great guy, but more likely to have you fall under Soviet oppression than find your keys)....Common mistake, I will forward on your prayer and you should find your keys in 2-3 business days.
-----------------------
Complaint: "My (sob) cat Gustov (sob) just died. I prayed (sob) and prayed (weep) to St. Francis, but she still died."
Ombusman: "I am sorry to hear about your loss. While St. Francis is the patron of animals, unfortunately he has no control over life and death. That dread responsibility falls on the Lord God alone, please redirect your complaint to a member of the Trinity."
-----------------------
Complaint: "My computer just crashed and I think I might have lost the entire spreadsheet I was working on...who should I prayer to for help?"
Ombudsman: "umm, errr, Saint Computus of, umm, Siliconia...no, damn, I don't even know,we're not too tech savy up here...does your computer's user guide maybe have a help number on it? Just make sure Bill Gates gets cannonized when he dies so we can have someone to deal with this stuff."
----------------------
Complaint: "I wanted a playstation 2 for christmas, I was a good boy, but St. Nicolas didn't bring me one...I, I wrote him a letter and everything, but still no playstaion"
Ombudsman: "Son, you're looking for Santa Claus, not St. Nicholas. While the two names are commonly used synonymously in popular culture they are not in fact the same person. Please direct your complaints to Santa Claus or one of his elves, last I check he has hanging out around Madison Square Garden."
-----------------
Complaint: "My Whopper was cold and I asked for no onions."
Ombudsman: "Umm, ok, that's really not the kind of thing we do around here."
Ombudsman: "Sir, you should have been praying to St. Anthony of Padua for help with your lost keys. If you prayed to St. Antony, its likely that your prayer was sent to Antony of Vilna, who is, well, one of the patron saints of Lithuania (great guy, but more likely to have you fall under Soviet oppression than find your keys)....Common mistake, I will forward on your prayer and you should find your keys in 2-3 business days.
-----------------------
Complaint: "My (sob) cat Gustov (sob) just died. I prayed (sob) and prayed (weep) to St. Francis, but she still died."
Ombusman: "I am sorry to hear about your loss. While St. Francis is the patron of animals, unfortunately he has no control over life and death. That dread responsibility falls on the Lord God alone, please redirect your complaint to a member of the Trinity."
-----------------------
Complaint: "My computer just crashed and I think I might have lost the entire spreadsheet I was working on...who should I prayer to for help?"
Ombudsman: "umm, errr, Saint Computus of, umm, Siliconia...no, damn, I don't even know,we're not too tech savy up here...does your computer's user guide maybe have a help number on it? Just make sure Bill Gates gets cannonized when he dies so we can have someone to deal with this stuff."
----------------------
Complaint: "I wanted a playstation 2 for christmas, I was a good boy, but St. Nicolas didn't bring me one...I, I wrote him a letter and everything, but still no playstaion"
Ombudsman: "Son, you're looking for Santa Claus, not St. Nicholas. While the two names are commonly used synonymously in popular culture they are not in fact the same person. Please direct your complaints to Santa Claus or one of his elves, last I check he has hanging out around Madison Square Garden."
-----------------
Complaint: "My Whopper was cold and I asked for no onions."
Ombudsman: "Umm, ok, that's really not the kind of thing we do around here."
posted by BertramWooster at 12:04 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home