Popesploitation #2 - Pope Gun
From the producers of Pope Fiction and the director of Monsters, Inc., coming to theaters this spring:
Pope Gun
Scene I: Exterior, the bottom of Mount Sinai
Moses: Aaron, you just did and incredibly sacreligious thing. What you should have done was continued to worship the Lord! You don't get to pick what you worship, there's only one God! Brother, your ego is creating gods your people shouldn't worship. You've been busted, you've lost your qualifications as leader of the Jews three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of regecting the Lord and creating one gilded god!
The Hebrews: Golden Calf? [Aaron shruggs]
Moses: And you people, you're lucky to be here!
The Hebrews: Thank you, sir.
Moses: And let's not bull*%$# Jews. You all are the Chosen People. You need to worship better, and cleaner than the other guys. Now what is it with you?
Aaron: Just want to serve the Lord and be the best Jew in the desert, sir.
Moses: Don't screw around with me Aaron. You're a hell of a Chosen People. Maybe too good. I'd like to bust your butt but I can't. I got another problem here. I gotta lead somebody from this earth to Cannan. I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I'm gonna send you up against the best. You characters are going to the Promised Land.
Scene II: Exterior, desert
God: In case some of you are wondering who the holiest are they are up here in the Torah. [turns to Isaiah] Do you think your name will be in the Bible?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: That's pretty arrogant considering the company here, don't you think?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: I like that in a prophet.
Scene III: Interior, church
Priest: So Peter was cruxified in Rome, just like Jesus.
Christian I: Excuse me father, the data on Peter's death is wrong.
Priest: How is that, sir?
Christian I: Well, I just happened to see Peter die...
Christian II: We!
Christian I: Uh, sorry, we happened to see Peter die.
Priest: The how did he die?
Christian I: Uh, that's classified.
Priest: It's what?
Christian I: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Priest: Well, I have Word of the Lord clearence, so tell me how exactly did he die?
Christian I: Well we...
Christian II: Thank you.
Christian I: ...we're standing in the crowd and saw them put him on a cross
Priest: Well if he was hung on a cross how is that different then how Jesus died?
Christian I: He was inverted.
Pope Gun
Scene I: Exterior, the bottom of Mount Sinai
Moses: Aaron, you just did and incredibly sacreligious thing. What you should have done was continued to worship the Lord! You don't get to pick what you worship, there's only one God! Brother, your ego is creating gods your people shouldn't worship. You've been busted, you've lost your qualifications as leader of the Jews three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of regecting the Lord and creating one gilded god!
The Hebrews: Golden Calf? [Aaron shruggs]
Moses: And you people, you're lucky to be here!
The Hebrews: Thank you, sir.
Moses: And let's not bull*%$# Jews. You all are the Chosen People. You need to worship better, and cleaner than the other guys. Now what is it with you?
Aaron: Just want to serve the Lord and be the best Jew in the desert, sir.
Moses: Don't screw around with me Aaron. You're a hell of a Chosen People. Maybe too good. I'd like to bust your butt but I can't. I got another problem here. I gotta lead somebody from this earth to Cannan. I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I'm gonna send you up against the best. You characters are going to the Promised Land.
Scene II: Exterior, desert
God: In case some of you are wondering who the holiest are they are up here in the Torah. [turns to Isaiah] Do you think your name will be in the Bible?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: That's pretty arrogant considering the company here, don't you think?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: I like that in a prophet.
Scene III: Interior, church
Priest: So Peter was cruxified in Rome, just like Jesus.
Christian I: Excuse me father, the data on Peter's death is wrong.
Priest: How is that, sir?
Christian I: Well, I just happened to see Peter die...
Christian II: We!
Christian I: Uh, sorry, we happened to see Peter die.
Priest: The how did he die?
Christian I: Uh, that's classified.
Priest: It's what?
Christian I: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Priest: Well, I have Word of the Lord clearence, so tell me how exactly did he die?
Christian I: Well we...
Christian II: Thank you.
Christian I: ...we're standing in the crowd and saw them put him on a cross
Priest: Well if he was hung on a cross how is that different then how Jesus died?
Christian I: He was inverted.
posted by BertramWooster at 2:23 PM
3 Comments:
ahh, Kenny Loggins
You know, I think anyone who can compose "Footloose" and "I'm Alright" must have talent borrowed from Heaven.
You know, there is a book you should read, BertamWooster (if that is your real name) "Lamb" by Christopher Moore- the story of J.C. from the age of 6 to 30 as told by his best buddy Biff. It's alot like this site, although, no mention of Batman- plenty of Chinese Concubines and an angel who want to meet Spiderman and, more importantly, chock full o' sarcasm. What's not to love?
Indeed, lord knows i won't even consider playing volleyball unless someone has a boombox with "Playin with the boys" blaring out of it...
i have never heard of this book, but attention must be paid to any book that names a first century Jew "Bif" (not to mention that I just looked on amazon and saw that this guy wrote a book called "Practical Demonkeeping" which I really hope is a how-to book) - I will check it out.
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