Confession of Saint Patrick
Saint Patrick ,like Augustine and every other saint at the time, wrote a "Confession"describing his life, sins and ultimate conversion to Christianity, the most routtinest toutinest religion going. His Confession is pretty standard fair: this is me, this is what happened to me as a sinner, then I found Jesus (He was just standing behind a curtain with his sandals sticking out of the bottom...and he was giggling the whole time).
What people don't know is that in addition to his "Confession", St. Patrick also kept a diary that includes alot more information and candid thoughts than were published in his Confession. While wandering through the New York Public Library this week, I happened to stumble upon a copy of Stern Magazine from 550 AD that featured excerpts from this long lost diary (apparently the magazine purchased the diary from a former druid who found them near a 50 year-old shipwreck on the coast of the Irish Sea). As it is St Patrick's Day, I decided to translate a few of the choicer bits for you bellow:
June 4, 454 AD. Today I used the three leafs of a shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to use the same trick to explain how they get golden caramel, smooth chocolate and that trademark cookie crunch into a Twix.
May 3, 455 AD. Thank God, Shannon's not pregnant! I was worried for a while there (I don't know how many more times I can play that immaculate conception card before people around here start getting suspicious).
February 8, 459 AD. Apparently rainbows being a symbol of the Lord God's promise to Noah never to destroy the earth with flood waters again wasn't enough for these people, so I made up some crap about midgets and gold.
March 12, 464 AD. I think one of the druids may have snuck a little hemlock into my drink at dinner tonig---Man! Everything here is so GREEN, man. Its like really, really, fricking GREEN...I can't feel my legs.........
October 16, 466. I wonder if anyone else notices how many more Vikings there seem to be around these day? Oh well, I'm sure they are just here for the scenery and local color.
September 24, 467 AD. Jeez!! "Patrick scare away this snake, Patrick scare away that snake, Patrick there's a spider in the bathroom can you kill it." For God's sake I'm a missionary, not a frickin' exterminator!! Next these people are gonna have me cleaning out their frickin' septic tanks to get them to convert.
December 3, 468 AD. I'll probably have to come up with a better story to tell the Pope about how I converted the Irish to Christianity, but beating the Druid High Priest at quarters certainly worked.
March 17, 493 AD. Well (cough, cough), I'm dying. I just hope that (cough) people will remember my life of prayer, self-sacrifice (cough), fasting and missionary work (cough) by getting completely bombed on the anniversary of my death (cough).
What people don't know is that in addition to his "Confession", St. Patrick also kept a diary that includes alot more information and candid thoughts than were published in his Confession. While wandering through the New York Public Library this week, I happened to stumble upon a copy of Stern Magazine from 550 AD that featured excerpts from this long lost diary (apparently the magazine purchased the diary from a former druid who found them near a 50 year-old shipwreck on the coast of the Irish Sea). As it is St Patrick's Day, I decided to translate a few of the choicer bits for you bellow:
June 4, 454 AD. Today I used the three leafs of a shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to use the same trick to explain how they get golden caramel, smooth chocolate and that trademark cookie crunch into a Twix.
May 3, 455 AD. Thank God, Shannon's not pregnant! I was worried for a while there (I don't know how many more times I can play that immaculate conception card before people around here start getting suspicious).
February 8, 459 AD. Apparently rainbows being a symbol of the Lord God's promise to Noah never to destroy the earth with flood waters again wasn't enough for these people, so I made up some crap about midgets and gold.
March 12, 464 AD. I think one of the druids may have snuck a little hemlock into my drink at dinner tonig---Man! Everything here is so GREEN, man. Its like really, really, fricking GREEN...I can't feel my legs.........
October 16, 466. I wonder if anyone else notices how many more Vikings there seem to be around these day? Oh well, I'm sure they are just here for the scenery and local color.
September 24, 467 AD. Jeez!! "Patrick scare away this snake, Patrick scare away that snake, Patrick there's a spider in the bathroom can you kill it." For God's sake I'm a missionary, not a frickin' exterminator!! Next these people are gonna have me cleaning out their frickin' septic tanks to get them to convert.
December 3, 468 AD. I'll probably have to come up with a better story to tell the Pope about how I converted the Irish to Christianity, but beating the Druid High Priest at quarters certainly worked.
March 17, 493 AD. Well (cough, cough), I'm dying. I just hope that (cough) people will remember my life of prayer, self-sacrifice (cough), fasting and missionary work (cough) by getting completely bombed on the anniversary of my death (cough).
posted by BertramWooster at 12:58 PM
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