Pope Alert - Yurtle the Prince of Darkness?

I'm sure many of you have seen this report about a turtle that survived a pet store fire and now has what appears to be the face of Satan emblazoned on his shell. People are understandably worried by this event. There is the fear that if Lucifer can graffiti-tag our bowl-bound pets, what's next? Surely if the hand of the devil has reached this far, the endtimes must be near.

But take heart, good people, for if this really is the work of Satan, then we all have a lot less to worry about than I previously thought. I mean, Satan went from battling God, to tormenting Lot, to tempting Jesus to - - - branding turtles? Talk about a serious drop-off in power. What's next, are we gonna find out that in his later years Joseph Stalin would just make prank phone calls to political dissidents rather than send them to the gulag? that Pol Pot never returned his library books on time? When evil focuses its power on discoloring turtles, the rest of us have nothing to worry about.

This sighting, coupled with Jesus's recent appearance on a crumpet and Mary popping up on a grilled cheese sandwich, has made me think the whole idea of the "battle" of Armageddon may be a little more esoteric and postmodern than the bloody clash I had originally envisioned. Let's just say that at this point I would not be surprised to see David Blaine and Christo engage in some kind of bizarre duel for our immortal souls at Golgatha.