Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Nuclear Fallout

Is there a better post apocalyptic mail delivery movie than The Postman?

The Great Schism and You

Walking around the street of New York, I can't tell you how many times I have been stopped by a mother and her children and asked to explain the Great Schism to the younglings. Therefore, as a public service and hopefully to decrease greatly the amount of time I spend talking about the Patriarch Caerularius with diminutive Manahttanites, I give you:

The Great Schism and You:
A child friendly story about the separation of the Eastern and Western Churches.

A long time ago, in the faraway kingdom of Christendom, in the City of Rome there lived a handsome Pope, named Leo IX.

The Lord God, through his Son's statements to Saint Peter, had put Leo in charge of all the peoples of Christendom. Leo loved his job and he tried everyday to make sure everyone did God's will. Everyone loved Leo, too: from the big furry Scots in the North, to the lithe, tan Spaniards in the South, to the smelly, cowardly French in the West.

But to the East, at the far edges of Christendom, in a land filled with mountains, deserts and volcanoes there were a group of people called the Orthoducks. The Orthoducks lived in the city of Constantinople and had long, flat noses, feathered hair, and they quacked when they talked.

One day Leo found out that the Orthoducks were using leavened bread in Mass. Now Leo knew that this was not what the Lord wanted, so he said to them:

"Sunday is a special day.
We should all eat flat bread to pleaseth the Lord.
Its only one day, so you shouldn't get bored"

But the Orthoducks and their leader Patriarch Michael Caerularius wouldn't listen to Leo. They should and jeered at Leo, saying to him:

"We will not eat flat bread you silly old man, not even for one day.
We will eat leavened bread and dip in it wine, we don't care what you say."

Now Leo was a patient man, so he did not punish the Orthoducks, even though they were acting against the will of the Lord.

Then, a little while later, Leo overheard an Orthoduck saying the Nicean Creed. Much to Leo's dismay the Orthoduck, when speaking about the origins of the Holy Spirit said He "proceed from the Father", but said nothing about the Son.

Leo knew that this was not right; the filioque clause was a part of the Creed and the Orthoducks were just leaving it out!

Again Leo went to talk to the Orthoducks:

"When saying the Creed you must mention the Son, for He is one with the Father.

If you leave out the Son, you're doing it all wrong and shouldn't even bother."

But once again the Orthoducks would not listen and Caerularius snapped back:

"We'll say the Creed how we want, filioque or no.

Now get back to Rome you silly bozo!"

Now Leo was hurt and quite a bit mad, but he held back his tongue and forgave the Orthoducks.

Finally, in 1054, Leo found out that Caerularius was claiming to have the same power over the spiritual lives of Christendom as Leo himself. Now Leo could not stand for this. As his power and his burden came from Jesus himself, he new something must be done.

Having had no luck himself in the past, this time Leo decided to send his best friend, Cardinal Humbert, to talk to the Orthoducks.

Humpert set out, hoping to solve the problem, but when he got there, everything went wrong. When Humpert told Caerularius that only the Pope had authority over Chistendom, Caerularius started screaming:

"The Pope's not the only leader in this world.

Don't even say so, it is simply absurd.

In fact, as of today Pope Leo's rule is terminated

because as of right now, he's excommunicated!"

At this Humpert got mad, lacking the patience of Leo, and yelled back:

"You silly Orthoduck your mind must have degraded

Its not the Pope, it's you that's excommunicated!"

With that Humpert left and sailed back to Rome to tell Leo of all that had happened. But when Humpert walked into the Vatican he heard awful news: Pope Leo had died while Humpert was away.

Leo had died from a broken heart that he could not save the Orthoducks from themselves and their treacherous leader. He died from the knowledge that all their souls and the souls of their children would burn in eternal hell fire until they accepted the one true Church.

To this day the Orthoducks are still around and have not returned to the Church.

Pope Leo did all he could to try to save them, but he just couldn't do it.

Can You?

Let me explain: you see,

It was the heat of the moment, telling me what my heart meant, the heat of the moment showed in your eyes.

Official Spirits

The official spirit of the United States is Bourbon.

The Official Spirit of Vatican City is the Holy Spir--err, actually, its Vodka.

Pope FAQ - Babylon

Q: How long have you been in Babylon?

A: Too long.

Q: Have you been there all by yourself?

A: I have been with I.

For those that do not become Holy Roman Emperor

You know what another cool job to get would be: Harbor Master of New York Harbor. You'd get to decide what ships get to go in and out and could perpetually hold ships of immigrants yearning for a new life outside the harbor, where the Statue of Liberty and the very freedom they dream of would be in view, yet just out of reach.

Even cooler, though, would be becoming the person in charge of who goes through the Panama Canal. Then, if like an Ex or your former boss showed up, captaining a large freighter, and was all "Hey, long time no see. Sooo, I've got this ship full of Ikea furniture I need to get to Japan ASAP, can I go through the Canal now?" You could be all "Ummm, yeah, sorry, but the Canal's all full up at the moment, you'll have to go around. Give the Straits of Magellan my best on your way by."

Speaking of the Panama Canal, did you know its 51 miles long, took nearly two, nonconsecutive decades to build and cost the lives of thousands of workers. Then, after all that, Jimmy Carter gave it away. God, I hate Jimmy Carter. Being Jimmy Carter would be a crappy job. No one who misses out on being Holy Roman Emperor should even consider taking a position as Jimmy Carter.

Contest Part 1 - Short Answers

Below you will find the first part of the contest: 10 short answer questions that I believe will reveal who among you is qualified to be Holy Roman Emperor and who should be an Assistant Manager at a rural Utah 7 Eleven. You may answer all of them, some of them, one of them or none of them, it is up to you. The choice of Holy Roman Emperor will not be based on how many questions you answer, but rather how you answer them (also, I assume most people really don't feel like taking the time to answer all 10 questions, Lord knows I wouldn't).

1. Do you know the lyrics to "Hold on Loosely" by .38 Special? Would you be willing to use it as the song you enter rooms to a la "Hail to the Chief"?

2. Do you have experience managing others? What is your management style?

3. If God told me, and then I told you that you needed to invade a country asap, which country would you pick and why?

4. If you had the opportunity to kill me and claim my power as well as that of Holy Roman Emperor, would you? If so, how? (please note, I will not use this information to thwart your plans, I'm just curious how you'd go about it)

5. Do you have any experience ruling over people with an iron fist by the very will of almighty God?

6. What things do you look for in an Empire to rule?

7. Boxers or briefs?

8. Who is your least favorite saint? Who is your least favorite Steeler?

9. When posing for the currency of the realm, would you go with a front view or a profile?

10. How does this job fit in with your overall career goals?

Pope FAQ - German Popes

Q: Why were there nearly 500 years between the current Pope and the last German, Hadrian VI?

A: No one likes sauerkraut as a side dish with Communion.

Excerpts from my ongoing discussion with Jesus about the 2005 Baseball Season

On Barry Bonds's missing the first month and a half of the season

Me: So, do you think Barry will ever come back and maybe break Aaron's record?
Jesus: No, I think he's done...and, quite frankly, he was really supposed to stop about 37 homers ago, stupid steroids.
Me: Wait a minute: 703 minus 37...are you saying Barry Bonds is the AntiChrist?
Jesus: No, Yes, I mean...damn it. Look just don't tell anybody ok.

On the White Sox white hot start

Me: I don't think the White Sox can keep up this pace, especially playing small-ball.
Jesus: Ahh, but remember: He who lives by the homerun shall die by the homerun.
Me: What?
Jesus: Those that play fundamentally sound baseball shall inherit the pennant.
Me: Huh?
Jesus: Speed and defense are the rocks upon which I shall build my American League Champions.
Me: What? Are you just remixing your greatest hits with a few baseball references?
Jesus: Ask not what the White Sox can do for you, but what can you do--
Me: Hey, that's not even yours, that was JFK.
Jesus: Yes, I work in mysterious ways.


On Johnny Damon's long-haired, bearded look

Me: Dude, you totally look like Johnny Damon.
Jesus: Jerk.


On the A's struggling without Mulder and Hudson

Me: Heh, I guess Moneyball was just the Big 3, huh?
Jesus: What? I'm a Yankee fan, Dad's still a bit PO'ed about the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn and HS is more of a football fan, why would we help the A's?
Me: No, no, no. I meant Hudson, Mulder and Zito.
Jesus: Oh, sorry. I got confused. Its just, usually when people talk about the Big 3 around Me its about the whole Trinity thing.
Me: Oh. I totally didn't even think about that, I should have more clear.
Jesus: No biggie.


On Tino Martinez hitting 5 homeruns in 5 straight games

Me: Man, what's gotten into Tino lately?
Jesus: The Holy Spirit.

Who wants to be a Holy Roman Emperor

As I embark on my AntiPoping journey, there are many dangers I will face, not the least of which is that of Vatican forces invading the Upper Eastside and taking me captive because of my usurpation of Papal power. An astute commenter (one Julian the Apostate) pointed out a means of potential defense against the hordes of the Papacy: ally myself with the Holy Roman Emperor. Of course, there being no Holy Roman Emperor at the moment is a bit of a fly in the sacramental ointment...but fear not, for solutions come to those that seek them and often involve overly elaborate plans involving lemurs, catamarans and high-explosives.

As there is no Holy Roman Emperor, the simple solution is to find one and crown him, after all one of the many powers I am currently claiming in opposition to the pontiff canonically elected is the ability to install divine right monarchs. Originally the idea of creating a Reality TV show to find a Holy Roman Emperor for me ally myself with was tossed around, but unfortunately at the moment I do not have the necessary contacts at any of the major networks (I am not having a show on UPN and that's final) to get such an idea green-lighted (speaking of which, I apparently also need to find a Holy Roman Network Executive to ally myself with, but that is a matter for another time). Therefore, I am left with but one option: use the shear awesome power of the internet and this most humble of pontifical-power-usurping blogs to find me a Holy Roman Emperor.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, its time for a blog contest, wahoo!!!! Sure other blogs have had contests, but none compare to this. Other sites have offered free t-shirts or an Amazon gift card as prizes in their contests, but I offer something much greater: the divine right to complete and absolute temporal dominion over all Christendom.

Its simple really: you swear to use your power to protect me from any and all invading Vatican forces and I will crown you Holy Roman Emperor. You let me deal with the spiritual world and I'll let you have this one. Should our spheres of influence ever come into conflict, a panel of 3 arbiters, chosen from a list of 11 retired Miss America Judges with expertise in matters metaphysical preapproved by both of us will decide the matter. And, should they be unable to reach a decision, we'll dig up Kennesaw Mountain Landis and make him decide.

The contest shall begin later this week. "Why later this week" you ask, because I'm not finished with it yet.

Should you have any suggestions on the contest, please feel free to bring them up in the comments. After all, I claim infallibility in matters of faith and morals, not internet contests.



Is this contest going to be the single greatest thing ever: PROBABLY!!!

Pope Alert - Financial Woes

The Catholic Church is having some financial problems. The Church's checking account has been "hit by the falling dollar, sex abuse settlements and a growing diplomatic mission. " So what should the new Pope do? Well, if only to point out that the Cardinals made the wrong choice, I offer the following proactive solutions to the problem, many of which are outside of the box in the hopes of creating a new paradigm of religious financial success. Therefore Mr. New Pope, stop, collaborate and listen, you might learn something:

• Create an elaborate pyramid scheme in which church-goers give 10% of their income to the Church in the hopes of buying their way to eternal salvation.
• Remove the first 3 rows of pews from St. Peter's and install luxury boxes.
• Cross-promotional tie-ins: If you don't think McDonald's would be down with an Eggs McBenedict breakfast sandwich you're crazy.
• Cardinal Law kissing booth at this year's state-fair.
• Stop paying priests overtime for working on Sundays.
• Down-size - does anyone even know what a deacon does anyway?
• If the girl-scouts can sell cookies door-to-door, why can't alterboys sell magazine subscriptions (sweeet, Details for only $1.35 an issue!!)?
• Pray. And if that doesn' work try sacrificing something, the Lord used to dig a garroted goat or two back in the day.
• Discover oil underneath the Sistine Chapel.
• Allow beer sales to continue all the way through the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
• Buy up 50.000001% of the stock of Anglicans R Us and force a merger with the Catholic Church.
• Have priests stop molesting children.
• Stage a kidnapping of the Pope and tell Catholics that they need to send money right away to pay the ransom or the Pope will be killed.
• Sell off unprofitable subsidiaries like The Sisters of Christian Charity.
• Open a Catholic themed amusement park - man, I can't wait to go on The Schism, best roller-coaster ever.
• Take Miami(giving 5 1/2) over Washington tonight.
• Allow people to enter Mass for free, but charge them ridiculously high prices for food and drink once there are inside (obviously, no outside hosts are permitted inside the church).
• Involve Hillary Duff more prominently, she's box office gold.
• Demand alimony from the Eastern Orthodox Churches.
• Get an online degree from the University of Phoenix to increase your earning potential.
• Self-service communion.

and finally

• Invade Poland and exploit her natural resources to enrich the Church

Pope Alert - Pope Card

Earlier this year Topps printed a one-of-a-kind Pope John Paul II card and included it in a pack of ordinary baseball cards. Whoever is lucky enough to find this card will be given a behind the scenes tour of the Vatican, their very own Umpa Lumpa and $1,000 worth of plenary indulgences to use at their own discretion.

The Pope card is actually just one in a series of cards feature historical figures. Topps also printed a Napoleon card, the finder of which was exciled to a small Atlantic island, and a Hellen Keller card, the finder of which we haven't heard or seen much of lately.

Pope Alert - Pollluting the Airwaves

"A Roman Catholic cardinal and a priest in charge of Vatican Radio have been convicted of polluting the atmosphere" in an Italian court. The charges stem from a May 1999 incident in which Cardinal Roberto Tucci began his drive-time radio show (Cardinal Robbie's Rockin' Roman Rush Hour) by playing and replaying Sheryl Crow's cover of "Sweet Child O' Mine" for 1 hour and 45 minutes straight.

Is it bad

Is it bad when the day you declare yourself the AntiPope you get struck down with a Biblical size case of the flu that has you bed-bound for a week? Probably!

But I am one to look on the brightside of things, so lets see what hasn't befallen me since my delaration:

• My first born son has not died (this may have been facilitated by my lack of a first born son).
• no intra-cetacean episodes to speak of.
• no one I know turned into a condiment and/or a spice.
• thumbscrews were applied, but they were just to take my mind off my headache and had nothing to do with any inquisitions or inquiries.
• no fire, no brimstone, just Nyquil.
• only temptation from Satan involved night-manager position at Dairy Queen
• not sent to exile in Babylon, in fact, never really left apartment - but I did get to listen to Jimmy Cliff for a while, so I got that going for me.
• Mayor Bloommberg's daughter has yet to ask for my head on platter, although she did ask me for my turducken recipe.
• not expelled from any Garden's, although I was politelly asked not to go back to the salad bar at Olive Garden due to a sneezing fit.

sorry no blogging

the flu has hit me like a ton of bricks, dragged by an elephant, on a locomotive...