You might be a catholic if

In honor of Jeff Foxworthy's birthday (I'm just going to assume that the people reading this are both ignorant of the date of Jeff Foxworthy's birth and too lazy to go look it up), I give you "You Might be Catholic if":

• You think everyone in the Secret Service should be Swiss.
• You believe that Microsoft Office was present with the Father at Creation.
• You fear cannibalism everytime someone asks you to be the host of a party.
• You believe in the primacy of Jim Rome.
• You insist that white shouldn't be worn after labor day, except for Christmas and the Feast of the Epiphany.
• You don't know CPR, but can perform a baptism with nothing but your own spit.
• You firmly believe the TV show Martin was heretical.
• You've been beaten by a nun.
• You've purchased a Jesus and Mary Chain album, only to be disappointed that it wasn't the rosary set to music.
• You insists that Certs are 3 mints in 1.

and finally, you might by Catholic if:

• You are not going to burn in Hell for all eternity for holding heretical beliefs like all those silly Protestants and Orthoducks.

Today, on a very special Devin for Pope Dotcom

Today, on a very special Devin for Pope Dotcom, Devin confronts the Archbishop of Canterbury about his addiction to pep pills. Meanwhile, the Patriarch of Moscow learns a valuable lesson about respecting the dyslexic.

Language

So, umm, does Chewbacca not have a developed enough larynx to vocalize complex human speech patterns, or has he just never bothered to learn English? And if it is that he just hasn't learned English, can he speech Spanish? Portuguese? Mandarin? American Sign Language?

See

See, this is what happens when you don't have the AntiPope involved in your events.

Celebrity Wedding

So Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes, which I suppose means that there are soon going to be lots of little Scientologists running around.
I would like to take the opportunity of this engagement to make one thing clear, I'm talking Chair of Peter, Papal infallibility clear:

Devoutly following the writings of a science-fiction author does not make you a deeply religious person, it makes you a trekkie.

Seriously, does anyone want to take bets on whether the wedding ceremony for these two is going to be in Klingon? Or maybe Katie is more of Battlestar Galactica fan and they can dig up Lorne Greene to do the nuptials.

Look, guys, I know that old commercial with the animated volcano and some guy saying "Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard" in a really deep voice was kind of cool, but it's not like I'm praying to the god Verizon because James Earl Jones does their commercials.

But, really, best of luck to you kids--er kid and middle-aged man. I hope you two have a wonderful 3 months together and a quiet divorce that doesn't do too much damage to either of your careers.

A note to everyone else that lives in New York City

You know what we don't do enough of as a city: make world record-settingly large items of food. I mean, "The Big Apple" is a pretty good start, but how much cooler would it be it it was: "New York: home of the World's largest plate of rice pilaf" - - or "New York: be sure to check out our 15-story Candy Corn in Union Square"?

Therefore, as means of getting this idea rolling, I am suggesting that we all, and by "we all" I mean entire population of New York, meet up in Central Park this Saturday, right by the Hans Christian Anderson with a baby duck statue, and make a monumentally large haggis. What do you say? I think it'll be fun. Maybe I'll bring a frisbee or something, too, so we have something to do while the haggis is cooking.

Odds

So, in the last few day I have had all sorts of people email me, call me and stop me on the street asking: "Yo AntiPope! How do you know that your religion is the right one?"

Well, to be honest I don't. But, fortunately for me and all y'all I happen to be an avid gambler, especially with the immortal souls of others. Therefore, I base my spiritual decisions and devotions on a betting line. Now, Vegas is a bit too PC and KFC to make the betting lines on which is the one true faith available to the general public. Again fortunately for y'all and your souls immortal, I've got an in and have gots the goods. Therefore, as a public service, I give you the current Vegas odds on which is the one true religion:

6:5 - Catholicism. The favorites. Despite problems in America and Europe, Catholicism is making huge strides in the third world, tying up nicely with the meek shall inherit the earth stuff. Plus, the Vatican is really nice and I'm pretty sure only good people get nice things, for example Martha Stewart and Steely Dan.

Even - Rastafarianism. If you are going to put your hopes in an emperor who's country is continuously ravage by famine and got taken over by Italy, you must know something the rest of us don't.

2:1 Judaism. Always the underdog, their continued existence and current hold on the Holy Land ups this Rudy-esques religion’s chance of being the one true faith. Plus they get half credit if any number of Christian sects turns out to be right. Judaism would probably be even money if not for Woody Allen.

3:1 Voodoo. A bit of a sleeper.

5:1 Snake Handlers. Aww, come on, you know you want to, if only for the story.

6:1 Hinduism. So many gods, one's gotta be right. But lost all shot at being the favorites because of men with pony tales that smell of incense doing Yoga - that just ain't right.

8:1 Zoroastrianism. Lose points for being geographically centered in a country with the name of another religion in its name, but greatly helped out by a stunning performance by Antonio Banderas in the 1998 film adaptation of the faith.

9:1 Evangelical Christianity. Their man's got access to the Button and God likes buttons.

10:1 Shintoism. Ancestor worship can be cool, especially if you are the grandson of John Wayne (I mean, I'm not, but I imagine that kid would have a good time lighting candles and praying for the Duke's help with some school bullies, annoying coworkers or bands of violent Native Americans that are constantly raiding his small western mining town).

12:1 Mormonism. Lose points for having their prophet lose the original gold copies of their holy book and being too dependent on the truth of the revelations of the traditional Christian Churches. But gain points for playing in the high flyin', high scorin' WAC.

14:1 Buddhism. To paraphrase Animal House: Fat, bald and meditating is no way to go through life. Although, having monks that kick ass gives a major boost.

25:1 Confucism. Loses major points for not actually being a religion. As Confucius said "Square peg that is not square? Square peg indeed."

100: 1 Anglicanism/Episcopalianism. Come on, any religion founded by Henry VIII ain't right.

500:1 Atheism. Lose major points for its faithful getting absolutely fricking nothing if they're right.


For more information on world religions, please visit your local library.

Out of curiosity

I have a question for my loyal readers and those of you that have stumbled across this site while trying to do research on the Nicene Creed for your final paper in Sister Brenda's 8th Grade "Early Church History Class" at the St. Nathaniel of the Feathered Hair School in Paramus, New Jersey:

Would you say that this site kicks more ass than an armless serial donkey abuser?

The AntiBunny

It seems as if one of my readers is questioning whether or not Jimmy Carter's true nature is actually that of the Antichrist. This reader has doubt because "I'm not sure I believe the AntiChrist would be afraid of rabbits." To this reader I say: Please refer back to your Bible. Specifically please open to the Book of Tobit 5:12-17

"And the Beast shall hold dominion over half the world and force his lies on its peoples. Yet, even in these darkest of times the Lord is loving and forgiving. The Lord shall send from on high his rabbit, swimming into the very swamps of the Beasts lair, to offer the Lord's forgiveness. The Beast, though, flush with arrogance from his conquests shall reject the swimming bunny of the Lord: lashing out and attacking it with an oar. But Lo, for pride cometh before destruction and the Beast shall soon after be soundly defeated in the next general election by the Archangel Ronald."

Pope Alert - Jimmy Carter Identifies Self as AntiChrist!!!!

In a recent speech at the University of Georgia, former President Jimmy Carter told the graduating class of 2005, that he was, in fact, the AntiChrist, The Angel of the Bottomless Pit, El Diablo, Beelzebu----



Not really. That was just a test.

I feel its best that we prepare ourselves for these things so we will know what to do when they actually happen.

Remember, if Jimmy Carter reveals his true nature as the Prince of Darkness to you:

Say No, then Go, and Tell someone you trust.

How much would it suck

If you tried with all your might to become the next Johnny Cash, and you ended up as the next Willie Nelson?

Why haven't you named a winner in the Holy Roman Emperor contest?

Why haven't I named a winner in the Holy Roman Emperor Contest? Well, I'll tell you. You see, I was told by two individuals, and they know who they are, that I would be receiving entries from them. These entries have not yet materialized. Given the importance of this position, I feel I owe it to myself and to Christendom itself to cast as wide a net as possible in looking for the Holy Roman Emperor. So I am waiting for these entries. However, time is running out; oh yes, time is running out.......

Pope FAQ: Traveling Pants

Q: Is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants a religious order?

A: No.

Q: It'd be cool if is was though, huh?

A: No.

Q: Aww, come on.

A: Please stop talking to me about traveling pants.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute

Q: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. "Tomorrow People" is a Ziggy Marley song. Its reggae. He's Bob Marley's son for Jah's sake, its got nothing to do with the comic strip.

A: You know that and I know that and the producers of VH1's "100 Greatest 1 Hit Second Generation Cross-Over Reggae Wonders" know that, but its a common misconception.

Q: Really?

A: Yup, seems there is a bit of an urban legend out there about the song.

Q: Ohhh, do tell!

A: Well, it seems as if alot of people believe that there never was a Ziggy Marley. Instead, they say that ABC hired a group of Bahamian studio musicians to record the song 1988. ABC was planning a live-action mini-series base on the comic strip, the legend goes, and released the song under the fictitious name "Ziggy Marley" with some random immigrant Jamaican man they found in Brooklyn starring in the video to begin promoting the show. Unfortunately, the show never even went into production, as Wilfred Brimley had to drop out of the starring role due to a scheduling conflict with the filming of Cocoon: The Return.

Q: Wow.

A: Yup.

Pope FAQ: Favorite Comic Strip

Q: What's the Pope's favorite comic strip?

A: Ziggy.

Q: ...

A: ... ...

Q: You care to elaborate on that?

A: I would if I could, but I have no idea why he likes it?

Q: No idea?

A: Well, I mean, If I had to guess I'd say: short bald dude, no luck with the ladies, talking animals, never seems to be wearing pants - I think Benny can relate.

Q: Oh, I see.

A: Plus I think he really likes singing "Tomorrow People".

Ummm

I'm done talking about Smurfs now.

Why sometimes I wish Ronald Reagan had been a Smurf

How much cooler would it have been if he had said:

"Mr. Gorbachev, smurf this wall!"

Why I'm equally glad Moses was not a Smurf

I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not smurf strange gods before me.

Thou shalt not smurf the name of the Lord thy God in vain

Remember thou smurf the Sabbath Day.

Smurf thy Father and thy Mother

Thou shalt not smurf.

Thou shalt not smurf smurfery.

Thou shalt not smurf.

Thou shalt not smurf false witness against thy neighbor.

Thou shalt not smurf thy neighbour's wife.

Thou shalt not smurf thy neighbour's goods.

Why I'm glad Jesus wasn't a smurf:

"Smurf ye after me, and I will make you smurfers of men"

"Smurf this temple, and in three days I will Smurf it up."

"The Smurfdom of Heaven is like a hidden treasure in the field, which a smurf smurfed, and smurfed. In his joy, he smurfs and smurfs all that he has, and smurfs that field"

"Smurfed are the meek: for they shall Smurf the earth."

"Smurfed are they that smurf: for they shall be Smurfed."

"He who Smurfs by the Smurf shall Smurf by the Smurf."

Why sometimes I wish Ronald Reagan had been a real world incarnation of a stereotypical 1970s inner-city black movie character

How much cooler would it have been if he had said:

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall, sucka!"