Things You Should Probably Know About Satan

In the interest of your immortal souls, these are some Things You Should Probably Know About Satan:

• Satan is often depicted as a serpent or a snake, as such, the holiest animal in Christianity is the mongoose.
• Jimmy Carter is not in fact Satan, although their similarities are often noted by the Lord and He is keeping all his options, both diplomatic and military, open for dealing with Mr. Carter (if you don't think St. Michael is itching for a fight with Jimmy Carter, you're fooling yourself).
• I really don't like Jimmy Carter.
• Satan has many aliases: Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Devil and recently managed to get a White House press pass under the name "Jeff Gannon".
• According to Dante the gates of Hell are inscribed with the words "Abandon all hope ye who enter here", there has been some second guessing by Satan's wife that the neighbors might stop by more often if they had used a more traditional welcome mat.
• See the thing is, I haven't even ever met Jimmy Carter and only lived through about half of his presidency, its just, I mean, arrgggghhh I hate Jimmy Carter.
• Satan tested Job's faith in God by killing his family, taking all his money and giving him boils and stuff. God got mad at Jonah for not wanting to be a prophet and made him sit inside of a whale. So you see, there's a lesson there.
• Satan tempted Jesus by taking him to the top of the temple and offering Him all the power in the world. Satan once tempted me by offering all you can eat waffles at IHOP (few people have compared my intestinal fortitude to that of the Lord).
• Satan was one of the founding members of Public Enemy, but left the group over "creative differences" with Flavor Flav.
• Remember Oliver on The O.C. Yeah, that was Satan.
• Remember Luke on The O.C. They should bring him back, he's was an enjoyable ancillary character.
• Satan and Santa are spelled with the same letters, they both wear red and black and I've never seen the 2 of them in the same picture, but Satan never got me a Playstation, so I like Santa more.
• While God inspired the Bible, Satan inspired the lyrics to "Informer" by white, Toronto-based rapper Snow.
• Satan probably wasn't hugged enough as a child.
• Satan voted for Jimmy Carter.
• Satan's name means "adversary" in Hebrew, which is really pretty lucky when you think about it.
• As a lad, I learned, much as Adam and Eve did, that you cannot simply blame your own mistakes on Satan (especially as its relatively hard to explain why exactly Satan would want an 8 year-old to put lime jello in his hair).
• I also learn as a child, however, that I could blame my mistakes on Jimmy Carter, as it was relatively easy to explain how Jimmy Carter would want an 8 year-old to give up the Panama Canal.
• Satan never actually left messages for people to hear when playing records backwards, because Satan figured noone listens to records backwards.
• Satan did once leave a message for me on my voicemail, but he was just wondering what I was doing for dinner because his plans fell through.
• An anagram for Satan is "A Stan", so you should probably stay away from people named Stan - yes, even your uncle, its better to be safe than sorry.
• Satan is a fallen angel: he "wants its all" and to "win big" and various other Poison lyrics.

That is all.

Pope Recovering

The pope seems to be recovering nicely and is breathing on his own and is not suffering from pneumonia. And, as an added bonus, the pope now makes that cool "dananananana" sound whenever he makes the sign of the cross.

The Pope is actually having a tracheotomy

I have nothing funny to say about that, but its going to be very weird have the Vicar of Christ talking like a robot, ala Ned from South Park. Also, how the heck am I going to be able to tell the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Pope when they are talking behind my back at parties?

This has nothing to do with the Pope, but

Did you ever notice how much Anthony LaPaglia in Empire Records looked like the lead singer of Creed?...I'm just saying, is all

Another Pope Alert!

No, repeat no, nude pictures of the Pope have surfaced on the internet in the last 24 hours.

Pope Alert!

The Pope has been taken back to the hospital with "a relapse of the flu." Could someone please get the Pontiff some Vitamin C or some Echinacea or something, please.

Catholic Marketing

As the world's largest Christian denomination, with over 1 billion people served, the Catholic Church is, by most accounts doing ok. That being said, it is always possible to do better and also it is important not to get complacent. Therefore, I think its high time that the Catholic Church put together a flashy, in your face, Madison Avenue marketing blitz to make sure current worshippers are retained and that we bring in some new bodies.

Now, any good marketing/advertising executive will tell you that one of the most important parts of any successful campaign is a tag line: something short, pithy and memorable that will stick in the heads of consumers is sure to increase product recognition for the Church. Plus, all the other religions are doing it. While not creating too many new customers, the whole "Chosen People" thing has help ensure remarkable worshiper loyalty for the Jews for over 2000 years and their new "Red, White and Jew" campaign promises to take America by storm; and the Hindus have had great market penetration with their "Worship one god, get a second one free" campaign. As such, I think its about time the Catholic Church got a good tagline in order to build its marketing campaign around, so here are some possibilities:

1. Stay Catholic, don't make Grandma cry.

2. The Roman Catholic Church, because the Byzantine Empire kind of sucked.

3. Catholics do it universally.

4. Visualize Whirled Priests.

5. Baptism, don't leave Earth without it.

6. All the Lord that's fit to worship.

7. The Catholic Church, when you absolutely, positively have to go to Heaven.

8. Reach out and save someone.

9. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a religion it is.

10. What would you do-oo-oo for the Catholic Church.

Those are my suggestions, if anyone else has any, please feel free to speak up, because I think we all want the best possible marketing campaign for the Catholic Church.

As for Diet Catholic (aka Anglicanism), I suggest "Sometimes you feel like a Pope, sometimes you don't!", but its really up to them to think of their own slogans.

The Miracle on Ice

Today, as you all probably know, is the 25th Anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. Now, alot of people think - hey "miracle", the Pope must be involved. The thing is, though, the Pope really isn't too much of a fan of winter sports, so he wasn't even paying attention to the Olympics in Lake Placid. In fact, the climate change from Poland to Rome was one of the major factors in his decision to accept the job of Pope (to be honest, he actually got an offer with a larger base salary and better benefits to be a plant manager for Krakus, the Polish smoked meats company, but just couldn't get over the weather in Rome).

The Pope, however, is not above using his power to influence international sporting events. For example, the Pope did have a little bit of a role in the whole Diego Maradona "Hand of God" thing verses England, but this wasn't so much a miracle as a $50,000 payment to the referee (it turns out that the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury had one of those friendly bet things that mayors often due over the World Series in the US, where if the Catholic Argentines had lost to the Anglican English, the Pope was going to have say mass in nothing but his miter and a speedo with a Union Jack on it and he wasn't about to let that happen).

Policy Quick Hits #1 - Christians and Drinking

Devin sent me an email, reproduced below, with his thoughts on drinking. I asked and he gave me his permission to print it here:

During a recent game of quarters with Soleil Moon Frye, the topic of alcohol came up. Eventually the conversation turned into the standard whether or not, or just how much, Christians should drink alcohol, liquor, aqua vitae, firewater, booze, hootch, bling-bling, or whatever it is the kids are calling it nowadays, arguments. As with all such conversations, eventually this one turned to the Miracle at the wedding at Cana [John 2:1-11]. In this well-known miracle, Jesus, at the behest of Mary turns water into wine so as to prevent the embarrassment of the newly married couple.

Many people, including Soleil, say that this just an example of Jesus showing love and respect for his mother, a reaffirmation of half of the 5th Commandment and not an endorsement of drinking the fermentation of the grape. This reading, however, does not take into account one of the most important parts of the miracle, the circumstances. Jesus is not simply turning water into wine at a wedding, He is turning water into wine after the people at the wedding have already drunk the place dry.

Not to mention the fact that its not like Jesus made a bottle of wine or two, instead its "six stone jars...Each holding twenty to thirty gallons" [Jn 2: 6] - Jesus made 180 GALLONS of wine, after the guests had already drunk all the booze in the Cana Community Rec. Center.
So, Jesus isn't just endorsing drinking, He's endorsing binge drinking - He's the guy at the party who makes a 2 AM beer run just to keep things going, He's throwin' his credit card on the bar and making everyone do one more shot of Tequilla before the bar closes, He's holding your feet as you do a keg stand.

So there you have it, Christians drink your hearts, er, livers out. In fact, to all those non-Christians out there I say: become a Christian and the first round is on us. And remember at the Catholic Church its all you can drink every night, 33 A.D. through the Reckoning.

?

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

Good Form

"Pope John Paul II appeared in good form" today, which is great news for the injury depleated Arsenal Gunners.

Umm, Yeah

So, umm, it turns out that the NHL season has not been saved. Umm, so, yeah, I'm pretty sure the Pope had nothing to do with that.....

Pope Alert - Pope Resumes Private Audiences

It is being reported that the Pope did not attend mass today, however, he "resumed his private audiences for the first time since spending 10 days in hospital earlier this month." What isn't being reported, however, is whom those audiences were with.

Now, as many of you know, in my spare time I play a little professional hockey. As such, I have access to information regarding the ongoing labor negotiations that apparently have miraculously turned for the better, thus saving the NHL season. I have it from a very reliable source (cough*keithprimeau*cough) that the turning point in the negotiations came when the Pope initiated a video conference call between the NHL and the NHLPA.

The pope started out by saying that the best way to deal with the labor dispute was abstinence. After it was explained to him that the lockout had little to nothing to do with premarital sex, he really got going (the Pope really has a thing for abstinence, I remember back in the 1980 when the Pope kept on insisting that the best way for Polish labor unions to break the chains of their communist oppressors was to avoid premarital sex. In fact, if you said Soviet Block in front of the pope before he took his meds in the 1980's, he would just go sit on the ground in the corner, rock back and forth and mutter "keep it in their pants" - an odd egg the Pope, odd egg).

Anyway, the Pope did his best to talk about the economics of the game, market fluctuations and what not, but had little success. But than at the 11th hour (well the 11th hour New York time, it was already like 5 in the morning in Rome), the Pope brought out the big guns, the most powerful weapon available to Catholics: Shame. And it worked like a charm. He started coughing and acting all weak, going off about how he's a very sick Pope and just wanted to see one more team named Stanley Cup champ before he died - I tell you, not a dry eye in the house. Within 15 minutes the two sides had agreed in principal to a plan that will save the season. And that's why 3 out of 4 Labor Dispute Arbitrators recommend the Pontiff, for all your lock-out and employee strike needs.

This has nothing to do with the Pope

I just had an extended email conversation with a supporter of the Devin for Pope campaign. During the course of this conversation, he brought up the possibility that Jesse Jackson might not be a regular visitor to this site.

Now, I'll admit it, I just assumed that Jesse Jackson was reading this site on a daily basis, and it is extremely important for me to know if he is. Normally I would just call him on his cell and find out, but its before 9 p.m. and I don't want him to get stuck paying daytime charges. So I'll just go ahead and ask:

Jesse, you out there?

Popesploitation #2 - Pope Gun

From the producers of Pope Fiction and the director of Monsters, Inc., coming to theaters this spring:


Pope Gun



Scene I: Exterior, the bottom of Mount Sinai

Moses: Aaron, you just did and incredibly sacreligious thing. What you should have done was continued to worship the Lord! You don't get to pick what you worship, there's only one God! Brother, your ego is creating gods your people shouldn't worship. You've been busted, you've lost your qualifications as leader of the Jews three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of regecting the Lord and creating one gilded god!
The Hebrews: Golden Calf? [Aaron shruggs]
Moses: And you people, you're lucky to be here!
The Hebrews: Thank you, sir.
Moses: And let's not bull*%$# Jews. You all are the Chosen People. You need to worship better, and cleaner than the other guys. Now what is it with you?
Aaron: Just want to serve the Lord and be the best Jew in the desert, sir.
Moses: Don't screw around with me Aaron. You're a hell of a Chosen People. Maybe too good. I'd like to bust your butt but I can't. I got another problem here. I gotta lead somebody from this earth to Cannan. I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I'm gonna send you up against the best. You characters are going to the Promised Land.


Scene II: Exterior, desert

God: In case some of you are wondering who the holiest are they are up here in the Torah. [turns to Isaiah] Do you think your name will be in the Bible?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: That's pretty arrogant considering the company here, don't you think?
Isaiah: Yes Lord.
God: I like that in a prophet.



Scene III: Interior, church

Priest: So Peter was cruxified in Rome, just like Jesus.
Christian I: Excuse me father, the data on Peter's death is wrong.
Priest: How is that, sir?
Christian I: Well, I just happened to see Peter die...
Christian II: We!
Christian I: Uh, sorry, we happened to see Peter die.
Priest: The how did he die?
Christian I: Uh, that's classified.
Priest: It's what?
Christian I: It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Priest: Well, I have Word of the Lord clearence, so tell me how exactly did he die?
Christian I: Well we...
Christian II: Thank you.
Christian I: ...we're standing in the crowd and saw them put him on a cross
Priest: Well if he was hung on a cross how is that different then how Jesus died?
Christian I: He was inverted.

Power Rankings - Week 1

Well, we're about halfway through February, so its time to put out this season's first set of Saintly Power Rankings:


Top 5

1 - Saint Mary - No suprise here, after taking home the championship last year, Mary looks poised to repeat, with healings of the sick and appearances in various Latin American food items scheduled throughout the next few months. Now, some argue that being the virgin mother of the Lord gives her an unfair advantage over the other Saints, but she plays within the rules of the system we have - its not her fault that there isn't a Holiness Cap. So, as they say, don't hate the playa, hate the game.

2 - Saint Valentine - Despite taking a beating in the Arabian Penninsula, Valentine had his usual mid-February surge. Look for a decline in his stats over the next few weeks, though, as he is a notoriously streaky saint.

3 - Saint Damian - Even though he was beheaded in 303, everything is looking up for this patron saint of the blind with Ray Charles taking home Grammies for record and album of the year and Ray looking destine to pick up an Oscar or two as well.

4 - Saint Francis of Assisi - With scientists announcing that they may have found evidence of current life on Mars, this patron Saint of Animals may well soon increase his fan base by an entire planet.

5 - St. Patrick - With Valentine's Day in the review mirror, this is traditionally the time Patrick get's hot. Look for Patrick to put together a strong few weeks with the Irish getting loaded and chasing away imaginary snakes in preparation for March 17th.


Bottom 5

143,996- Bernadine of Siena - With the end of the football season and the NHL officially cancelling its season, this patron saint of compulsive gambling has had a rough couple of weeks. Look for him to bounce back soon, though, with the NCAA tournament and the start of the baseball season within view.

143,997 - Clare of Assisi- Given the ratings American Idol has been getting, its not a great time to be the patron saint of television writers.

143,998 - Brendan the Navigator - Good guy, Brendan: He was a monk, travelled all over the Atlantic Ocean evangelizing islanders and eventually found himself the patron saint of sailors, unfortunately for him the US Navy announced this week that it is naming a submarine after Jimmy Carter.

143,999 - Dimpna - I only have 2 words for this patron saint of happy families, "Brad" and "Jen".

144,000 - Joan of Arc - Is it ever really a good time to be the patron saint of France?

What is the world coming to? UPDATED again!

First we get this Ward Churchill boob teaching anti-Americanism in Colorodo, then we get Trot Nixon trying to define what a Yankee is ---

So what's next? what's next?!?! Where can things possibly go from here? Well I'll tell you where: Satanism being taught at the Vatican! Jesus must be rolling over in His gra---oh, He's not in there anymore. Well, I bet He's like doing jumping-jacks in heaven or something.

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UPDATE : 12:19 p.m.

Umm, apparently I should have read that article before posting. They are teaching Satanism in order to teach priests how to deal with and defeat it, so I guess Jesus is probably resting comfortably in his heavenly recliner or maybe out bowling with some of His friends.

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UPDATE II : 12: 25

Umm, aparently I should have read the whole article before updating. It turns out that much of the teaching in the course is based on the Pope's update to the 1614 guidelines for dealing with demons and the like. Unfortunately, the Pope's new guidelines, released in 1999, rely heavily on the use of the special powers of a particular Southern Californiaa high school girl and her wiccan friend, so I'm not exactly sure how effective this is going to be - Jesus is most likely playing Jai Lai.

Pope Alert - Pope Thome

The pope will release his new book on February 23rd. The new work, which critics say is a dramatic departure from his previous works, is entitled Mutiny on the Booty. It tells the tale of a young Polish boy taken prisoner by vicious pirates who swashbuckles and loves his way through a series of adventures to become "Queen of the Old West."

So wrong

This is wrong on so many levels:

"Death opened as a whopping 16-1 favorite, but early betting on the pope gradually lowered the line to 12-1. "


I mean, come on the man survived getting shot, can't we get a little Catholic driven betting to get the line under 10-1, if only to avoid gettin smot (smited? smitten? smat?)?

Pope F.A.Q. #4 - Papal Pooches

Question: Does the Pope have a dog?

Answer: Well, he's got Cardinal Ratzinger. [ZING! - ed]...But seriously, no the Pope does not at present have a pooch, which, to me, seems like a serious missed opportunity. For an example of the value of a head of such a large powerful organization having a dog one need look no further than the President of the United States. They've all had them: Nixon had Checkers, Carter had Grits, Reagan had Lucky, Bush Volume 1 had Millie, Clinton had Hillary [ZING! - ed] and Bush 2.0 has Barney. Even if the Pope doesn't really like dogs, its just a good p.r. move to have one: let let people see that for all the seriousness and responsibility of the office, you have a softer, more human, playful side.

Now, for the Pope I see basically two ways he can go with getting a dog. One is to get one of those really annoying little yap dogs, like a chihuahua, a pekingese or Tara Reid [ZING! -ed] and then name it like John Calvin or Henry VIII and then spend all day shouting commands at it like: "Sit John Calvin," "Roll over Archbishop of Canterbury" or "Beg Henry VIII, BEG!"

The other option is to get a cool big dog like an Irish wolfhound or a really huge doberman and name it like "Crusader" or "Countereformation." Then the Pope could teach it to do really cool tricks like barking out the Beatitudes in Morse code or something. I'm pretty sure that Reagan taught his dog, Lucky, to tap out nuclear launch codes with its feet if anyone said "Soviet Missile Launch", just in case the president was incompacitated or napping when it happened and I know for a fact that Margeret Thatcher's dog could fly a Harrier. So, in closing, no, I do not think that the Vatican needs to develop its own atomic arsenal, as they are well covered by the Anglo-American nuclear umbrella, but the Pope should probably get a dog.

Pope F.A.Q. #3 - Popeman?

Question: Was the Pope the original Batman?

Answer: No, the original Batman was Michael Keaton. The Pope did, however, put in a cameo appearance in Captain Ron [The Pope, for reasons that are beyond explanation, is a huge Martin Short fan -ed.]. And George Lucas added a digital Pope amongst the assembled throngs in Jaba's Palace when he reworked Return of the Jedi.

Spring Training

Pitchers and catchers begin officially reporting to spring training in about 5 minutes.

Believe it or not, the Pope is actually connected to MLB. In 1965 Pope Paul VI said mass at Yankee Stadium during his histotic visit to North America, the first by any Pope. And, 14 years later, Pope John Paul II also showed up at Yankee Stadium, going 6 2/3, giving up 4 runs, 8 hits, with 2 k's, and no walks in a losing effort for the Baltimore Orioles.

IN Honor of Valentine's Day

Papal Pick-up Lines

1. Is your name Lucifer? Cause you look like you fell from heaven.
2. That dress looks great, it would look even better sitting next to me in a pew Sunday Morning.
3. If I could rearrange the Greek alphabet, I'd put Alpha and Omega next to each other.
4. Hi, I'm Keith Hernandez of the New York Mets
5. God must be beautiful, because he made you in His/Her image

Popesploitation #1 - "Pope Fiction"

The area of the website where we remake famous scenes from movies with bits and pieces of Catholic history and Dogma in the hopes of selling better in religious markets:

POPE FICTION

Scene: Interior Dungeon

Sixtus IV: You okay?
Torquemada: Naw man. I'm pretty f@*%ing far from okay.
Sixtus IV: What now?
Torquemada: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a coupla hard, bible-thumpin monks, who'll go to work on the heretic here with a pair of thumbscrews and an iron maiden. You hear me talkin', apostate boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna get Inquistional your ass.

SCENE: Interior of Car

Archbishop Of Canterbury: and You know what they call a...a...a Vicar in Paris?

Elizabeth I: They don't call him a Vicar?

Archbishop Of Canterbury: No man, they got the Catholic system. They woudn't know what the hell a vicar is.

Elizabeth I: Then what do the call him?

Archbishop Of Canterbury: The call him a "priest".

Elizabeth I: A "priest". What do they call a church?

Archbishop Of Canterbury: Well, a church is a church, but they call it "le church".

Elizabeth I: "Le Church". Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Nun?

Archbishop Of Canterbury: I dunno, I didn't go into a convent.

Scene: Interior 50's-style Diner

Monk I: Don't you hate that?

Monk II: What?

Monk I: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullcrap in order to be comfortable?

Monk II: I don't know. That's a good question.

Monk I: That's when you know you've found a good monastery. When everybody can be completely quiet and comfortably enjoy a good vow of silence.

Know Thy Enemy: Martin Luther

Blatantly stealing the conceit for this post from Frank J:

Know Thy Enemy: Martin Luther

• Martin Luther was German and, in keeping with his cultural tradition, invaded Poland on his 21st birthday.
• Martin Luther is Lex Luthor's Great, great, great, great, great grandfather - if you like Superman you probably shouldn't be Protestant.
• Martin Luther had webbed toes, just like Aquaman.
• The plot of the pilot episode of "Caroline in the City" was based on the 95 Theses.
• Marting Luther's banging away on the cathedral door to put up his 95 Theses was the inspiration for Jehovah's Witness door-to-door prostelatizing and, later, for telemarketing.
• Thesis 47 was: "celibacy, schmelabacy. I may be a monk but I wanna get laid."
• Martin Luther made a sequel to the 95 Theses called the 104 Contestations that was mostly made up of complaints about the declining quality Adam Sandler movies since Happy Gilmore.
• You know that thing that annoying kids do, where they put their finger right up in your face and say "I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you"? That was Martin Luther's idea.
• Theses weren't the only things Martin Luther nailed to a cathedral door. In fact, Church doors all over German were covered with kittens, free 1000 hours of AOL cd-roms, poster's for his band's gigs, other church's doors -pretty much anything he could drive a nail through.
• Thesis 69 was just "hehehehehe".
• Martin Luther was actually just the Patriarch of Constantinople in a mask, and he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those darn kids.
• Martin Luther accused the Pope of being corrupt, to which charge the Pope replied "Bite Me".
• Martin Luther sided with the band when David Lee Roth was kicked out of Van Halen.*
• Martin Luther's 95 Theses has spread all over the world and changed the lives of millions. And now, in this limited time offer you too can own a copy of 95 Theses for just three easy payments of $31.66. Call now: 1-800 95-these and leave off the last "s" for savings.
• Martin Luther briefly starred in the Broadway production of "Jekyll and Hyde", but was let go after only 2 weeks when the producers managed to land Skid Row's Sebastian Bach.
• Martin Luther's lack of a follow-up hit to "95 Theses" lead to him recently being featured on VH1's "100 Greatest One Hit Wonders". He was, ironically, number 96.
• Come on, 95 Theses, you can't think of 5 more and make it an even hundred you lazy bastard.

*yes, damn right I'm gonna steal jokes from Airheads

POPE ALERT

The pope is out of the hospital and back kicking it in the Vatican in time for the weekend.
Now, some have questioned whether the Pope was really sick or if this whole thing was just an elaborate scheme to get him to the hospital where they could monitor his diet and get him to drop the 7 pounds he needed to lose in order to wrestle middle weight in this Saturdays State Championship. I'll admit that it looks suspicious, but he's the frickin Pope, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Pope Songs #2 - "Its the end of the world as we know it" by REM

Yes, its time for Pope Songs, the area of the site where we rewrite some of the lyrics of popular songs to make them consistent with Catholic dogma. So, here we go:

"Its the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" by REM


That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, the moon is blood-John of Patmos is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to the trumpets blare-world serves a scarlet whore, don't serve the scarlet whore. Hurry up, come on now, break the seals, the seven seals. Earth starts to shake now; lambs and lions lying down. Rivers turn to blood now, sun's extinguished so its dark. Gog and Mogog baffled, Babylon destroyed. Look at that beast now! Sloping toward Jerusalem. Uh oh, horsemen, seven plagues, the antichrist. Save yourself, serve the Lord. World serves the risen Lord, living in Jerusalem. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You faithful, charitable, just, fortitudanal, prudent, temperate, hopeful saint, your feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Giving it Up for Lent

Question: What is the Pope giving up for Lent?

Answer: Madden '05 (on school nights)


Question: What is Cardinal Ratzinger giving up for Lent?

Answer: Heroin (on school nights)


Question: What are the St. Louis Cardinal's giving up for Lent?

Answer: Roger Cedeno and a minor league pitching prospect

Pope F.A.Q. #2 - Popeicide?

Questions: Has a pope ever been murdered?

Answer: Maybe. Many people believed at the time that the sudden death of Benedict XI was the result of his being given poisoned figs by agents of William of Nogaret. Benedict died on a boar hunt in Tuscany, a few months after missing Ash Wednesday services because of a dentist appointment.

Should I stay or should I go? The importance of going to Church on Ash Wednesday

Many people wonder about the importance of going to church and getting ashes on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday, as it is not a Holy Day of Obligation and no actual Mass is celebrated. To these people, I point to the seventh century writtings of Aelfric the Grammarian. Al tells the story of a man who refused to go to church for the ashes on Ash Wednesday and who a few days after was accidentally killed in a boar hunt.

So, there you have it: Go to church and get your ashes, or be killed in a boar hunt. Its your choice.

Pope F.A.Q. #1

Question: Is the Pope Catholic?

Answer: Yes.

Today

Today is both Chinese New Year and Ash Wednesday.

...


....


......

Think about it.

Pope Fact #4 - The Pope's License Plates

The license plate number of the Pope Mobile is: SCV 1
The SCV stands for: Stato della Citta del Vaticano (Vatican City State), while the 1 stands for the number one.

The license plate number of the Pope's Vespa is : SINNA H8ER

And the license plate number of the Pope's Winnebago is: HLY C

Pope Facts #3 - Shortest Papal Term

Pope Stephen II was unanimously elected to succeed Pope Zachary (March, 752), but died 2-3 days later and before he was officially consecrated as Pope. The length of his papal term was the initial inspiration for the average length of the live versions of the songs of The Grateful Dead, much like how the length of your average Phish concert was based on the time Jonah spent within the belly of the great fish/whale.

The Kingdom of Heaven V. Adam, Eve et al.

Frank J over at IMAO has attempted some biblical scholarship. Frank takes a look at the first 3 chapters of Genesis and at first sees "the clearest case of entrapment in all of history" and then wonders if "humanity is just a byproduct of an elaborate sting operation on the devil." This interpretation of Genesis brings up an interesting legal question: does the human race have grounds for appeal against our expulsion from the Garden of Eden?

[Please note that the following legal opinion and advice is only meant for the human race, I have no intention or desire to defend Satan, evil incarnate, in a court of law. After all, I'm no Ramsey Clark -ed]

Now, any such appeal would pretty much have to be based on the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution that protects citizens against illegal search and seizure. Essentially one would argue that God violated the civil rights of Adam and Eve by setting them up to commit a crime by placing the Tree and fruits right next to them and then arresting them for the crime of eating the food placed right in front of them (not to mention the fact that the Lord God did not read Adam or Eve their Miranda rights, or at least any such reading is not recorded in the Book of Genesis), an argument that has been used successfully in some drug related cases. Now, the main issue with this argument is whether or not residents of Eden can really claim to be protected by the Constitution of the United States. Given resent legal milestones that have stretched the applicability of national laws beyond a country's borders, such as Belgium's war crimes laws, however, I don't think we really need to worry too much about any of that jurist-my-diction stuff.

Another argument could be made that there really should have been a mistrial declared given the conflict of interests that God had in this case. The Lord served as arresting officer, as well as judge and jury in the case. Now, while God is the Judge of all this in this world and beyond, it seems that it would have been appropriate for the Lord to recuse Herself as Judge from the case and have allowed the Holy Ghost, or possibly one of the Arc Angels to sit on the bench for this trial (don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting God's ability to be impartial, but I just think it would have been better, even if only for the sake of public relations, for God to have recused Himself).

Now, its seems that there are two reasonably solid bases for appeal in this case. And, if this were an Eternal Damnation case, I'd likely advise my client to go ahead with the appeal. However, as the human race was essentially only sentenced to a few thousand years of probation, with each and everyone of us afforded the opportunity to have our sentence commuted because of good behavior after 65 or 75 years, I would have to advise the human race against any such appeal, if for no other reason than it means getting to avoid being cross-examined by the Lord in a potential new trial (the Lord, being omniscient and all, is a superb cross-examiner -- we're talking Sam Waterston good).

Yeah, but can you dance to it.......................... The Nicaean Creed

In response to a recent post, Hal Tewksberry of the International Herald-Times asked in the comments:

Mr. Devin, do you have plans to change the Nicaean Creed? If so, what are they?

I forward this question on to Devin and received the following response via electronic mail:


The Nicaean Creed has actually served two functions throughout the history of the Church. In order to determine if its needs to be changed, we must examine its effectiveness at both of its functions.

The Council of Nicea was convened at the behest of Emperor Constantine in 325 A.D. to combat the ascendancy of the heresy of Arianism (for those interested Nicea is located in modern day Turkey, and let's face it, when you think Turkey you think real meccca of Christianity). Arianism essentially boiled down to a belief in the teachings of Jesus, but not in His divinity. As a tool to combat this belief the Creed was and continues to be extremely effective, as the closest modern descendent of this heresy is the Jehovah's Witnesses (and I think we can all agree that the Church does not really need to worry too much about competition from a sect that stole its marketing plan from the Girl Scouts).

Beyond the immediate practical matter of combating Arianism, the Nicaean Creed was created as an attempt to define what the essentials of Christianity really are - the core beliefs, the dogma that members of the Church should all believe. In order to really understand its effectiveness in this second function, we must compare the Creed to another, very successful, document that defined a new creation and its ideals: the United States Constitution. The Consti---actually, let's not look at the Constitution, let's look at the album "Straight Outta Compton" by NWA.

"Straight Outta Compton" was NWA's first album, really defined Gansta rap and I think is a good comparison for any successful statement of belief - a yard stick, if you will, with which to measure any deficiencies in the Creed. The album, successfully outlines the basic beliefs of the ideology: an overall negative view of the Los Angeles police department, the inherent virtues of malt liquor, fire arms and loose women, as well as the need for adherents of Gansta Rap to openly state what one is thinking. I think we can all agree that the Creed is also successful in outlining the beliefs of Christianity.

"Straight Outta Compton" is also notable because of the future success of the members of the band: Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" and Ice Cube's hit acting roles in "Barbershop" and "Friday, are just a pair of the successes that followed for those who penned the album. The Creed also matches up well in this regard: present at the Council were Eusebius Pamphili, Bishop of Cæsarea in Palestine (who is widely hailed as the Father of Church history) and Nicholas of Myra (who was cannonized and is known to the modern world as Santa Claus).

For a statement of belief to be completely successful its must holds its audience form start to finish. This aspect is the one place where the Creed is not as successful as "Straight Outta Compton". "Straight Outta Compton", in the midst of all its hardcore Gansta statements, includes the track "Something to Dance to". This is a smooth, silky tune with little or nothing to do with the Gansta Credo, but it is a necessary, light-hearted break in the litany of beliefs that serves to hold the listeners interest. The Creed has no such track, it simply drowns on and on. Therefore, the only change that would be made to the creed where I to be elected Pope would be the addition of the Chorus:

Go, Go Jesus,

Get Busy, its your sabbathday

Go Jesus, Get Busy, its your Sabbathday.

[Please note, this was the entirety of Devin's response regarding the Nicaean Creed. He also informed me that should anyone else have an questions regarding his positions, they can just leave them in the Comments and he will respond. - ed]

Pope Songs - "Livin on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

Yes, its time for Pope Songs, the area of the site where we rewrite some of the lyrics of popular songs to make them consistant with Catholic dogma. So without any further ado, "Livin on a Prayer":

Wooah, oh we're half way there, living on a prayer!
Now we just need to do some good works, as salvation is not achieved through faith alone
Wooah, living on a prayer!

Policy Paper 1 - Women Priests

Devin released the policy paper below regarding Women Priests to the media earlier today. It is reprinted in its entirety below for your convenience.

As a result of the decline in the number of men entering the priesthood in recent years, there has been a good bit of talk regarding the possibility of the Church ordaining women priests. Now, there are all sorts of biblical, meteorological, mythological and musical arguments on both sides of this issue, but I am not going to get involved in those.

No, for me the biggest problem with women priests has always been etymological. Let me explain: When you are referring to a priest by name you use the title "Father" before there name. For example, if Terrell Owens were a priest, you would great him by saying "Hey, what's up Father T.O.". Now, if women were ordained, we really couldn't call them "Father" as this would confuse the children (and, as we all know, its all about the kids). The logical solution is to call them "Mother", but there is a problem there. You see, the title "Mother" is already used by us Catholics for the head of a nunnery (eg "Mother" Teresa). So basically, we are left with no unused and gender appropriate title for women priests (and, let's be honest, we need a title).

Now, for a lesser Papal candidate that would be it, but not for me. No, I don'tsimply point out problems and leave it at that, no, I think outside of the box and find solutions for your pontifical problems. And I have done just that for this problem:

I suggest a complete overhaul of the entire family-based titling of members of the clergy that will allow for the ordaining of women:

• "Father" will remain for male priests and female priests will be referred to as "mother".
• Heads of nunnerys will now be referred to as Aunts. For example, a woman named Miriam that becomes the head of a nunnery will be called "Aunt Miriam" or "Auntie M" for short (this has the added bonus of allowing the church to piggy back on the popularity of the film The Wizard of Oz, and by the transitive property Pink Floyd, amongst the young people).
• Heads of abbeys (also known as monkeries) will now be called "Uncle". This also has a side benefit in recruiting. As you know, a disproportionately large number of Abbots are named Samuel, or Sam for short. Therefore in all the cities where there is an Abbott named Sam, we will essentially be able steal advertising from the US military.
• Deacons will be "Second Cousins".
• Eucharistic ministers will be called "Holy Waiters" (I know its not family related, but just imagine church as one big family going out to dinner together and it'll make more sense)
• Alter Servers will be "Damn Kids"
• And I, as Pope, will be referred to as -The Pope.

So there you have it, a well-thoughtout, practical plan to get around the etymological problems of female priests.

Papal Bling

Is it me, or should the Pope really be rocking more bling? I mean he's the head of the largest religious denomination in the world, the world's largest landowner, has got his own damn city filled up with some of the most precious and beautiful art in the world, but no bling, none, nada.

The only thing he ever wears is a big gold cross, which is so 80's (memo to Pope, the Mr T. Look is out).

Now I'm not saying the Pope should go overboard, with big diamonds in his ears and all sorts of platinum hanging around his neck. No, I think the Pope should just go for one big, signature piece like Nelly's #1 necklace. I'm thinking he should go for a big platinum necklace with a "J" and a "P" made out of diamonds and intertwined like the "NY" on a Yankees cap. This design would not only provide the Pope with subtle yet power bling, but via the intertwined letters it also would give a shout out to the Chi Rho of first century Christians.

CNN is stealing my ideas

Pope's illness revives retirement debate

Please, this debate has already been put to bed - see below.

Qualifications

23 Reasons why Devin is qualified to be Pope

1. Devin cares enough to campaign, unlike all the other candidates.

2. Devin attended Catholic school, and not just high school, he's got 13 years of catholic school: kindergarten through high school, with both nuns and monks, there by running the virtual gamut of Catholic teaching techniques.

3. In school Devin studied Latin.

4. Devin looks good in hats.

5. Devin enjoys travel.

6. Devin is proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel.

7. Devin has t-shirts.

8. Devin is an American, and it’s about damn time for an American pope.

9. Devin is a confirmed catholic male, thereby meeting all of the Cannon Law requirements to be pope.

10. Devin still has all his hair.

11. Devin likes pizza, which is good if one lives in Rome.

12. Devin always say "Bless you" when someone sneezes, despite feeling nothing but complete contempt for Bridget Fonda's character in "Singles" and having gotten physically ill upon watching "Point of No Return".

13. Devin has a lot of DVDs, which is important because there is nothing to do in Vatican City after dark.

14. Devin has experience in parades. Granted this experience is as a clown in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, but I still think that knowing how to carry oneself in a parade is an important skill for any pope, or patriarch for that matter.

15. Devin attended Jim Abbott's no-hitter in 1993 (the man has one hand and threw a no-hitter while Devin was there --- you think maybe just maybe God had a bit to do with it?).

16. While Devin has no confirmed miracles, Devin is more than willing to give it a shot.

17. Devin went to college; he'd be an edumicated Pope.

18. Devin own comfortable shoes. (an underrated part of being pope).

19. Devin is not allergic to incense or vespas (or vespers for that matter).

20. Devin has a powerful singing voice, by no means a good one, but a powerful one none the less.

21. Devin also stood up to the Soviet Union like our current pope...granted he was in grammar school when the Berlin Wall fell down, but I firmly believe that the money spent on his G.I Joes directly helped bring down the Iron Curtain.

22. Devin is only 26, there will be no need for another papal election for many years, and given how divisive elections can be (as all of us Americans have learned in the last few years) - this would likely bring about a virtual Pax Devinscum throughout Christendom.

23. "Pope Devin the Quizzical" has a nice ring to it.

POPE ALERT!

Pretty much every major news organization is reporting that the Pope has been taken to the hospital. What was believed to be the flu, has apparently turned out to be something worse.

We, along with everyone else, wish the Pope the a speedy and complete recovery.

That being said, this brings up a serious issue that has been around for a good bit of time given the Pope's ill health and age: should the Pope step down and allow someone else take over?

Some see considerable value in this idea. After all, the Pope's health has made it very difficult for him to travel or speak - two skills pretty necessary for active Poping. Also, there is something very disconserting about have the Vicar of Christ, the voice of God on earth, having "larynx spasms". Think about it, the Pope has Parkinson's Disease, very little control over his extremities, and now he is having larynx spasms - the next thing know the Pope is gonna fall over into the Chair of Peter, have a larynx spasm and all of a sudden its Catholic dogma that Trix are for kids and adults eating Trix end up getting excommunicated.

There is, however, one humongous problem with the Pope stepping down while still alive: the new Pope would have to deal with there being another Pope around all the time. I mean, its not like you go from being the head of The Church to just sitting on the sidelines, like you can just turn off that direct line to God. Imagine you're the new Pope, you're out there, kicking it and make some statement about contriception. Next day you get up, you're feeling good, grab a cup of coffee and the paper and see on the front page that the old Pope came out and said that actually God had talked to him and you're completely wrong. Then you're stuck either accepting what the old Pope said and essentially have to pass everything by him first from then on, or you have to publically get in a fight with an old retired man, with Parkinson's Disease, who also happens to have been Pope - its a no win situation.

Also, I could very much see the current Pope ending up alot like Jimmy Carter in his post-presidential years. I'm not talking about the kindly old gent building houses around the south for the poor, I'm talking coddling up to dictators and the like. I mean the last thing we need is the retired Pope going around to Damascus, or, God forbid, Canterbury, shaking hands and having talks with dictators and vicars, telling us everything is peachey, because then 5 years later, bam, the Anglicans will have the A-bomb.

So my vote is the Pope stays. Life is complicated enough without an ex-Pope watching your every move.