Pope Alert - Last Rites

According to cnn.com, the Pope has been given the last rites.

Vatican City, 00193

It turns out that after over 20 years, the would-be assassin of the Pope has said that Cardinals and Bishops inside the Vatican helped him in his attempt. Now, alot of people are up in arms about this statement. After all the guy has been saying for years that no one helped him and its not like someone who tried to kill the frickin Pope has the most credibility in the world.

I, however, take a different view of the matter. All I have to say about this is: Sweet, that's what I'm talking about. Its about time that there was a little action in the Vatican. For years I thought it was only the British with their wacking inbred royals that got to have all the fun of murders, bertrayals and other such staples of day time TV, but now it turns out that we Catholics might just have our very own Pope Opera on our hands. I mean, come on, "Who shot JP", just imagine the possibilities: Ratzinger's evil twin, a midget posing as an alterboy and trying to strangle the Pope with a palm frond, Francis Arinze turning out to be the illegitimate some of John Paul I, and some cardinal finally coming clean, but only after the Pope, the only person that can offer him confession, has slipped into a coma. I'm telling you it would be ratings gold. Ultimately there'll probably be some lame ending with the Pope waking up, finding Ratzinger in the shower and realizing it was all a dream, but it should be fun will it lasts.

Half way there

or more specifically, 29/69th of the way there. Today Bubba Crosby was given the 25th and final spot on the Yankees' Opening Day roster. $1,450 of in-kind campaign contributions well spent, if you ask me. Congratulations are in order for both Mr. Crosby and all those that supported him.

Also, I think its safe to say that this proves the effectiveness of Devin For Pope Dotcom in getting its candidates into office. Therefore, I think at this point I can say with complete confidence that Devin will indeed be the next Pope as a direct result of this website and those who read it and comment on it. Hazzah!

Pope FAQ - Vatican Flag

Question: Since Vatican City is a country, it must have a flag, right?

Answer: What a stupid question. Of course the Vatican has a flag, go look at it here, now! Ok, you back now? You get a good look? Excellent. The emblem, located on the left side of the flag, is made up of two parts. The first part is St. Peters Keys, the yellow key is to the Gates of Heaven and the white one, well, the white one is actually the key to the front door of an apartment Peter had like 4 years ago, he just never got around to taking it off his keychain. Also in the emblem is the Papal miter, which as you can see was the inspiration for the Easter egg. The emblem is placed on a white field, which is a tip of the cap to Catholic France's unofficial flag. The Yellow field was used because, well, to be honest, all the other, cool colors were already taken (that's what you get for waiting till 1929 to make your flag). The final thing of note about the Vatican flag is that it is a square, not a rectangle like most flags (well, I guess, it is technically a rectangle too, but that's not really the point Poindexter). The square shape is a nod to the Freemasons, who, of course, run the world from a secret underground lair below the Vatican, along with several Zionists, 3 aliens and Rupert Murdoch.

Quiet Pope Signs to Faithful

During Easter services the Pope appeared at his window, but "was unable to speak". The Pope, however, did manage to communicate with the assembled crowd with hand signals. He blessed the crowd with the sign of the cross and then gave an inspirational message about his own life and health, signing that he is: 2 legit 2 quit...either that or he was telling Catholics the world over to steal second, I'm not really sure, the Parkinson's made it a bit fuzzy.

An email from Devin

I just received the following email from Devin and thought it fit to post, as it raises a serious question about the media's role in selecting the next Pope:

Well, Bert, its been several months since the campaign began. Despite long hours of work by you on this site and an ever-growing grassroots effort, I have yet to receive an endorsement for my candidacy for the Papacy from a single major newspaper or television station.

Now, you know me, at first I just assumed that these organizations did not agree with my stances on the issues. As more time has passed and it has become more obvious that there are other forces at work here, however, I have been forced to look beyond my theolotics for a reason for the lack of support from the media. Having thought about this for quite a while, it seems to me that everything points to just one possible reason. I really don't want to bring it up, I'm hardly one to
play PC cards, but it is a question that cannot be avoided when thinking about
the lack of endorsements for the Devin For Pope Campaign:

Is it because I'm a lesbian?

A valid, if uncomfortable, question, and one I think we deserve an answer to from the media.

Kewl

My sister went to vegas, she brought me back this.

Pope FAQ - The Washing of the Feet

Question: What's up with the Washing of the Feet?

Answer: Traditionally during Holy Thursday services the presiding priest, be he the Pope or a local dude just out of the seminary, washes the feet of some of the parishioners. This is done in imitation of the action of Jesus to His disciples at the Last Supper, which was meant as a showing of humility and servitude. Back in the day, this was a relatively easy ritual to pull off, as people where walking around in sandals on dirt roads and thus had dirty feet that needed a washing . In the 1100's you couldn't throw a commemorative spoon in a church without hitting someone more than happy to let a priest take a lufa to their bunions.

Recently, however, finding people to take part in the washing of the feet has become more difficult. In our modern world of cell phones, jet planes and odor-eaters, very few people actually need their feet washed. Pretty much everyone wears shoes, and most of us even wear socks. In fact the only people that really need a foot washing are those that still wear sandals: dirty hippies. This present an obvious problem, as the church needs dirty feet to continue the tradition, but considers being a hippie a sin*.

Some of the more conservation parishes have taken to artificially dirtying the feet of good, God-fearing, Elvis-loving parishioners with dirt bought from local plant nurseries to provide themselves with participants. Other parishes, however, have attempted to trick hippies into church with a promise of wacky weed, tofu and and a rare 1972 bootleg of the Grateful Dead at the Rose Bowl, assuming that once they experience the sheer joy of soap and water applied to the skin they will immediately repent and at the very least start listening to Foghat. And still other churches have taken to luring hippies in the aforementioned way and then beating them unconscious with their own birkenstocks once they have them inside, which has little to do with the washing of the feet, but is still a fun way to spend a Thursday evening.


*That's not exactly true. Technically, simply being a hippy is not a sin, but it is engaging in illicit hippie acts that is sinful.

The Designated Cardinal

As many of you may know, the Pope is still not feeling all that well. As such, JP has "designated cardinals to take his place during this week's busy Holy Week ceremonies."

Call me a purist, but I prefer church without the Designated Cardinal. It allows the Pope to come high and tight with his homilies with no fear of retribution. Also, with the Designated Cardinal in there, the Church tends to just sit back and wait for the mass salvation of the end of days, rather then focusing on the missionary game and trying to save souls one at a time. Also, what happens when we have to go up against one of the Orthodox Churches in the playoffs? Are there going to be designated Cardinals in Cathedrals west of the Adriatic, but the Pope/Patriarch has to bat east of it?

There are also going to be ramifications of this decision for years to come. Imagine if the Pope ends up on the ballot for cannonization: do we need to take into account the fact that for part of his career he wasn't preaching during Holy Week? And what about the Designated Cardinals? What if one of them goes on the have an Edgar Martinez-esque run of success as a Designated Cardinal? I mean, he was never a full Pope, but he preached for average and power during Holy Week, and its not like he was the one who made the rule, he just played by it, so shouldn't he be considered for cannonization too?

All in all, I have to say I am against the use of the Designated Cardinal.

Holy Tuesday - The red-headed stepchild of Holy Week

Let's face it, this is a big time week for Christianity: we lead off with Palm Sunday, jump to Holy-Last Supper-Thursday, and power into the weekend with Good Friday. Today, however, is Holy Tuesday. Yeah, I know what your thinking: SWEEET!!!

You're not going to find any entrances into Jerusalem or liberations of the patriarchs from hell today. No, today is seen by many as the bastard child of Holy Week on which nothing of note happened. But I'm here to tell you that they call it "Holy" Tuesday for a reason, in fact, several of them. As a public service I have decided to list for you all the important things that Jesus did on Holy Tuesday, so as this day might receive its proper due:

• Finally unpacked His bags and got settled at the hotel. Sunday was so hectic with the crowds and finding a place to park the donkey, and He spent all day Monday sightseeing, but on Holy Tuesday Jesus finally hung up His robes, caught some TV and put His feet up for a minute.
• Paid the Holy Visa bill.
• Scheduled wake-up call for 4 am Sunday.
• Double-checked with God about the whole resurrection thing.
• Had a nice dinner with Peter and his new girlfriend.
• Considered the lilies of the field.
• Wrote the Meek out of His will due to pressure from the Poor in Spirit.
• Sent postcard to Joseph, who couldn't get out of work for the trip (apparently, there was something that needed to be made out of wood ASAP, that couldn't possibly wait till after the death and resurrection of the Savior).
• Was briefly tempted by the Devil with the promise of free mini bar.
• Got hair cut.
• Just for laughs, told John that he was the brick upon which He would build His house of worship.
• For old times sake, healed a leper.
• Practiced Last Supper speech in mirror, decided against banging sandal on table and telling Judas "I will crush you".

Pope Alert - Yurtle the Prince of Darkness?

I'm sure many of you have seen this report about a turtle that survived a pet store fire and now has what appears to be the face of Satan emblazoned on his shell. People are understandably worried by this event. There is the fear that if Lucifer can graffiti-tag our bowl-bound pets, what's next? Surely if the hand of the devil has reached this far, the endtimes must be near.

But take heart, good people, for if this really is the work of Satan, then we all have a lot less to worry about than I previously thought. I mean, Satan went from battling God, to tormenting Lot, to tempting Jesus to - - - branding turtles? Talk about a serious drop-off in power. What's next, are we gonna find out that in his later years Joseph Stalin would just make prank phone calls to political dissidents rather than send them to the gulag? that Pol Pot never returned his library books on time? When evil focuses its power on discoloring turtles, the rest of us have nothing to worry about.

This sighting, coupled with Jesus's recent appearance on a crumpet and Mary popping up on a grilled cheese sandwich, has made me think the whole idea of the "battle" of Armageddon may be a little more esoteric and postmodern than the bloody clash I had originally envisioned. Let's just say that at this point I would not be surprised to see David Blaine and Christo engage in some kind of bizarre duel for our immortal souls at Golgatha.

A question for you - Leprosy

What the hell happened to leprosy? I mean, its all over the Bible and Medieval Europe was apparently nearly drowning in fallen-off ears and noses. Hell, even the US government gave a whole Hawaiian Island to lepers - but now it seems to be completely gone. Puff, no fanfare, no media blitz, just gone.

Did it go the way of small pox, locked up in Atlanta and somewhere in the former Soviet Union waiting for some clumsy micro-biologist to drop a vial and kill us all?

Was Jonas Salk involved?

Or did it retire and I missed it? Was there a tear-filled press conference? Did leprosy announce: "Well, I've had a good run. I feel I've horribly disfigured and killed people at the top of my game for over 2,500 years. I had some good times and some bad. I played against some of the best, even gave Jesus a run for His money, but now its time for me to step aside...Its time for new, young stars like Ebola to get the spotlight and move the league forward"?

I ask you, what the heck happened to leprosy?

Also, while we're at it, why did people stop calling it leprosy? I mean, did someone really hate "Umm-bop" so much that they decided to rename an horrific, flesh-rotting disease after those kids?

Confession of Saint Patrick

Saint Patrick ,like Augustine and every other saint at the time, wrote a "Confession"describing his life, sins and ultimate conversion to Christianity, the most routtinest toutinest religion going. His Confession is pretty standard fair: this is me, this is what happened to me as a sinner, then I found Jesus (He was just standing behind a curtain with his sandals sticking out of the bottom...and he was giggling the whole time).

What people don't know is that in addition to his "Confession", St. Patrick also kept a diary that includes alot more information and candid thoughts than were published in his Confession. While wandering through the New York Public Library this week, I happened to stumble upon a copy of Stern Magazine from 550 AD that featured excerpts from this long lost diary (apparently the magazine purchased the diary from a former druid who found them near a 50 year-old shipwreck on the coast of the Irish Sea). As it is St Patrick's Day, I decided to translate a few of the choicer bits for you bellow:


June 4, 454 AD. Today I used the three leafs of a shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to use the same trick to explain how they get golden caramel, smooth chocolate and that trademark cookie crunch into a Twix.

May 3, 455 AD. Thank God, Shannon's not pregnant! I was worried for a while there (I don't know how many more times I can play that immaculate conception card before people around here start getting suspicious).

February 8, 459 AD. Apparently rainbows being a symbol of the Lord God's promise to Noah never to destroy the earth with flood waters again wasn't enough for these people, so I made up some crap about midgets and gold.

March 12, 464 AD. I think one of the druids may have snuck a little hemlock into my drink at dinner tonig---Man! Everything here is so GREEN, man. Its like really, really, fricking GREEN...I can't feel my legs.........

October 16, 466. I wonder if anyone else notices how many more Vikings there seem to be around these day? Oh well, I'm sure they are just here for the scenery and local color.

September 24, 467 AD. Jeez!! "Patrick scare away this snake, Patrick scare away that snake, Patrick there's a spider in the bathroom can you kill it." For God's sake I'm a missionary, not a frickin' exterminator!! Next these people are gonna have me cleaning out their frickin' septic tanks to get them to convert.

December 3, 468 AD. I'll probably have to come up with a better story to tell the Pope about how I converted the Irish to Christianity, but beating the Druid High Priest at quarters certainly worked.

March 17, 493 AD. Well (cough, cough), I'm dying. I just hope that (cough) people will remember my life of prayer, self-sacrifice (cough), fasting and missionary work (cough) by getting completely bombed on the anniversary of my death (cough).

Catholic Obligations on St Patrick's Day

Most Catholics are familiar with what is expected from them on most holidays: You should go to church on Christmas, don't eat meat on Fridays during lent, don't wear white after the Feast of the Assumption, etc.... Many Catholics, however, are unsure of their spiritual obligations for Saint Patrick's Day. Therefore, as a public service, I offer you the following list of what the Catholic Church expects from its members on St. Patrick's day:

• Now, I'm sure the first thing that popped into your head was "drink" - hahaha, real fricking funny you anti-Irish bigot, I hope you burn in hell. In fact, the first obligation of Catholics on St. Patrick's day is to "drink beer", specifically Guinness.
• If you're a midget, just go ahead and dress up as a leprechaun. Trust me, it'll save you alot of time and aggravation.
• Everytime someone says Ireland take a sip of your beer.
• If you don't have a cross, holy water or garlic, you can try using a shamrock to scare away vampires...it can't hurt.
• No martinis, or cosmos, or any such things are allowed today. No, not even if they're green, you hussy!
• If someone calls you a hussy on a website, take a sip of your beer.
• Be sure to shout out a few "Erin Go Bragh"s today and, if your name is Erin, go without a bra -- come on, its a party!
• St. Patrick's Day is not a Holy Day Of Obligation, so you don't need to go to Church. It is, however, a Holy Day of Intoxication: if you're not drunk when the clock strikes midnight, you're going to hell.
• Getting in a fist fight with anyone of English decent today is officially considered "Just War" by the Vatican.
• Unlike the other 364 days of the year, having red hair is not considered a sin today.
• If you meet someone named Seamus, finish your beer.
• Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, so you should probably watch the Whacking Day episode of the Simpsons.
• If you're not Irish Catholic, you should go to your room and think about what you've done.
• There is no need to get ashes on your forehead on St. Paddy's, but its probably a good idea to sew your name and address into your underwear in case you lose them.
• If you finish your beer, take a sip of beer.
• And finally, if at all possible, convert an entire island nation to Christianity today.

Pope FAQ - More on the UN

Question: If the Vatican is in the UN, does it contribute to troops any peace-keeping missions?

Answer: Umm, yeah, they guard the border between Rome and Vatican City, a military hot spot for decades.

Question: Do they wear those blue helmets then?

Answer: Depends on the time of year, during Advent and Lent they where purple.

Question: Do they carry guns?

Answer: Well, the book of Hebrews tells us "the word of God is quick and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword", but, you know, an uzi can be handy in a pinch.

Pope FAQ - UN

Question: Is Vatican City in the United Nations?

Answer: Ah Question, look who came crawling back. Anyway, Vatican City is a permanent observer at the UN with, since 2004, all the rights of a member nation, except voting (which really isn't that important in a body that passes resolutions via balloting of its member states). I think Vatican City actually had a vote for a few days, but the Vatican Ambassador insisted on whipping cue and 8 balls at Kofi Annan's head to signify his vote rather than using the little computer deally in front of him, so they disenfranchised the Holy See.

Pope FAQ - Other Job

Question: What do you think the Pope would do for a living if he wasn't Pope?

Answer: He'd be a roadie for the Rolling Stones.

Question: Wait a minute, the Pope is like 84, how could he be a roadie?

Answer: Well, Mick Jagger is 112 so---

Question: Hold on, I thought Mike Jagger was like 60.

Answer: Look, why are you asking me questions if you think you know all the answers already?

Question: Jeez, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I just didn't think---

Answer: No, you didn't think, did you.

Question: There's no need to get snippy.

Answer: Listen mister, as long as you're asking questions on my blog you'll live by my rules!

Question: Oh yeah, well maybe I don't want to ask questions here any more!

Answer: Fine by me, but how are you gonna pay rent, pay for food, pay for dental work if you're not asking question here?

Question: I'll get a job, then I show you.

Answer: Oh yeah, what kind of job are you going to get? You don't even have a high school diploma.

Question: I'll, I'll be a roadie...for the Rolling Stones

Answer: Well, I guess you lucky old JP II decided to become Pope, then, huh, jerk.

Pre-Pope Fact - The Ides of March

Today is the Ides of March. On this date in 44 BC, Julius Ceasar was stabbed an unneccessarily large number of times by members of the Roman Senate who feared his growing power. In the 1970s Jimmy Carter got attacked by a rabbit who feared his growing power. Alot has changed in representative government since Roman times.

Pope Alert - Pope Returns to the Vatican

The Pope returned to the Vatican today after visiting the hospital for the third time in a month this weekend. Hospital administrators released a statement saying that the Pope is well enough to continue his convalescence at the Vatican and that he will receive a free side salad with his next invasive surgery.

Pope Safety Tips- The Apocalypse

No one ever thinks that the Apocalypse can happen to them, so few people are truly prepared for the end of the world. Our motto here at Devin for Pope Dotcom is: Be Prepared (for the violent destruction of the world as a result of the final battle between the Lord and Satan). Therefore, we offer you the following tips that should keep you and yours safe if the Apocalypse ever happens to you:

• Lock up all your trumpets and, just to be on the safe side, anything else you may have in the brass or woodwind families.
• Jesus is gonna come through the Apocalypse unscathed, so if you see Jesus, stand behind Him.
• The number of the beast is 666, kill everyone born in June.
• If you get the Apocalypse in your eyes, rinse them out with cool water.
• Alot of the Apocalypse will likely include fire, go here to brush up on your fire safety routine.
• Avoid boar hunts.
• The dead need to rise from their graves to participate in the final judgment, so try not to stare.
• Keep a flash light by your bed.
• In the unlikely event of the Apocalypse, your soul can be used as a flotation device (assuming its not stained black from a lifetime of sin, you hussy).
• The Maginot Line will only be effective if Satan attacks it directly, defend you border with Belgium.
• Put down the ham hock, fatty! Its the frickin' Apocalypse, can't you stop eating for a minute.
• Avoid the Belmont Stakes.
• Fortunately for all of us, we live in an over-protective mommy state, so the Apocalypse will actually come with warning labels on it (Hot Apocalypse inside, handle with care).
• Always wear clean underwear. You don't want to be taken bodily up to heaven or cast into a lake of eternal fire with dirty underwear on, do you?
• Satan hates garlic.
• The moon will turn to blood right before the Apocalypse, so keep an eye out for that.
• I'm not sure how long the Apocalypse will take, so you should probably bring a sweater and maybe a power bar or two.
  
  
  
  

Just to Clarify

The fact that the movie Juwanna Mann actually got made was not, technically, a sign of the Apocalypse, but I understand your concern.

Pope FAQ - Bad Things, Good Teams

Question: If God's so good, why do Catholic Schools lose at sporting events?

Answer: Catholic Schools only lose at sporting events as punishment for doing something wrong.

Why did Notre Dame have such a terrible football season? The Offensive Line played volley ball with a midget to get in shape during preseason (let me clarify, they were not playing against a midget, but rather using him as the ball).

Why hasn't Georgetown made a run in the NCAA tournament for years? John Thompson shot a hooker**.

Why did BC lose to West Virginia today? They lost because they committed one of the gravest sins of all, being located in Boston.






**For legal purposes, I'd like to point out that, to my knowledge, John Thompson did not actually shoot a hooker.

Pope Facts - The Papal Ring

+ Each newly elected pope receives a signet ring called the Fisherman's Ring, which depicts St. Peter as a fisherman and has the reigning pope's name inscribed around the border. Everyone attending the ceremony is given a Co-ed Naked Catholicism T-shirt and a shot glass engraved with a picture of the new pope.

+Pope Innocent IX was once caught without his papal ring on at a bar flirting with Vishnu.

+Since the 13th century the papal ring has been used as a seal for private letters and since the 15th century for papal briefs. Prior to the 15th Century, the Pope wore boxers.

+Pope Martin V refused to wear a Papa Ring, he was later killed on a boar hunt.

+Pope Paul V, unsure if he was really read to get serious with the Church, wore his papal ring on a chain around his neck for his first 2 years as pope.

+Each Pope's ring is publicly broken after his death by being thrown into the fires of Mt Doom.

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day, or maybe its Intyrnational Women's Day, I'm not to hip to the lingo--err, spelling. The topic of women priests has already been covered in this space, so I am not going to go back over the issue. Instead, I am going to look at another way that the Church is currently looking into to deal with the shortage of priests: Online Mass.

Through this innovation, a priest in East St. Louis with a cable modem, elementary typing skills and a true heart would be able to say mass to Catholics from the mightily Allegheny River to the disappointing Green River; everyone just pop into the same Chatroom on Sunday morning, and let the praying begin.

Think of the time that will be saved: when the priest tells people to "share the peace of Christ", instead of turning around and shaking hands and all that, you can just shoot of a few "PBWU"s and move on. Most churches have paypal accounts, so it'll be equally quick and easy to "pass the basket". Plus you can choose your own music; when the usher IMs you to "please rise for our opening hymn", you can just pop open you MP3s and pick whatever song you like (personally, I'm going for "Jesus Built My Hotrod" today). Let's also talk multi-tasking: its Sunday morning you got errands up the wazoo to run, but you also need to go to church - well, now its not a problem, just take out your blackberry or Sidekick and you can be buying brisket and listening to today's First Reading all at once.

This invention need not only be used for Mass, either. Think of it, you've got a few spare minutes at work, why not IM the Monsignor your confession? Got a new baby, a laptop and a water fountain? Then baptize away old boy. On your death bed in a mountain cabin made inaccessible due to heavy snow? Well, no problem, let Father Roddy email you the last rites and you'll be in heaven before the first spring thaw.

This should also do wonders for families where the parents are different religions. We've all been there: its Sunday morning, Mom is getting ready to go to worship at the local Baptist church and Dad is putting on his best for a trip to mass at St. Non's Catholic Church down on Leek Street, but where should little Timmy go?!?! Well, worry no more. Now each member of the family can just logon to their computers and go to whatever religious chatroom they want, while still being together as a family and watching the Saints' game.

The only thing preventing this innovation taking hold is Communion, no one has yet figured out how to get the host to worshippers...At first we were thinking of a Kozmo.com kind of thing, but as they failed miserably, its back to square one.

There is also the potential problem of people with slower modems falling behind the rest of the worshippers (then, right as the mass is about to end, all these PBWUs start flying around from some dude in Milwaukee with a 56k modem who finally managed to download the liturgy of the Eucharist), but this is really more of an annoyance than a real problem with the idea.

So there you have it, eventually we may only need the Pope online all day Sunday and no other priests at all.

Pope FAQ

Question: We all know the current Pope's stance, but what do you think about premarital sex?

Answer: Are you coming onto me?

Steel Cage Pope

Anonymous C, founding member of Public Enemy and longtime commenter here at DFPdotC, recently asked:

If you put JP II and Pope Urban II in a steel cage match, who would win? Do you
have any dream Pope v. Pope matches you would like to see? How about your
favorite pope of all time against Mike Ditka? Who would win there?

Now, as many of you know, I have long been an opponent of Pope-on-Pope violence, working extensively with both Jesse Jackson and Nancy Reagan to try to quell the epidemic in the 1980s (in fact, I even co-wrote and stared alongside Helen Hunt in the ABC After School Special "Tattle: When to tell on the Pope"). That being said, I am willing to look at this idea with the objective eye of a TV Network Executive, to see if maybe we can make some money out of it.

First off, I see a problem in the fact that the Pope has, just like the rest of us, gotten soft in our modern technological wonder world (that's right, its like a trip to EPCOT everyday in the Vatican). You throw JP II in there with an Medieval Pope and he's gonna get his but whipped (I mean, this is a man who didn't even whomp on a dude that shot him when he had him hand-cuffed and in a jail cell, I don't think he's gonna be able to take on some 11th century Pope with a bad attitude and a mace, do you?) And, let's face it, the best way to get could ratings is with good fights - we don't want Urban to become the Catholic version of Mike Tyson in the early 90s, knocking out other Pope's in under 2 minutes. At the same time, though, we can't just be throwing out Dark Ages Popes that might be able to stay with Urban for a few rounds every week, as they don't have the name recognition to draw a big audience (are you going to tune in to see Agapetus II? Me neither).

Also, there is the problem of why would Popes want to fight each other. I mean they all have a lot in common, all being Popes and all, and would probably rather just play some pool, go bowling or something instead of fighting to the death.

Do not despair, though, I see two ways to keep the basic gist of this idea afloat.

First is to extend the fighting beyond the Catholic Church. Instead of Pope on Pope action, we could have the Archbishop of Canterbury taking on the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Henry VIII could throw down with John Calvin, or in a 2 on 1 match-up, Saints Andrew and Patrick could take on Saint George for control of the British Isles (yes, I know all three are Catholic, but I still pay to see it).

For a kick-off match, I would suggest the Dali Llama vs. The Pope. Its got everything you need to get the idea off the ground: people get to see the different fighting styles of east vs west, huge name recognition for both, and they are both presently alive (which should keep the tempo of the fight up) . I think the Llama would bust out some martial arts, a little Bool Kyo Mu Sool, and the Pope could use Western technology and innovation to combat the Llama's agility and quickness (although, with all the Pope's tracheotomies and bubble cars, this may well turn out more like an episode of Battle Bots, but I think it'd still be cool - just as long as the Pope does not turn out to be a wedge bot, I hate those things)

And then for sweeps week we could do the ultimate: Jesus vs Buddha in a no-holds barred grudge match, victory by knock-out or submission only, for the Undisputed Religion of the World Title. Man that'd be sweet, can you picture---actually, wait a minute that would suck: Buddha would be all "I'm not gonna fight you, I'm just gonna go sit underneath that bodi tree" and then Jesus would be like "Oh yeah, well I'm not gonna fight you either. In fact, I'm gonna go out in the desert to pray and fast, so take that". That would be the most boring fight ever...Unless, of course, we throw Mike Ditka into the fray....

Now, if people are afraid of starting a world war or something by having important historical religious figures battling to the death on a weekly basis on FOX, we can use my second idea: instead of Popes fighting each other, we have all the contenders to be the next Pope fight each other - Cardinals, Bishops, Devin, whomever wants to be Pope can jump in the ring and prove that they can be the rock of the Church(can you smeeeellllll what the Pope is cooking?!?!). In fact, in order to get the idea of the ground, I am gonna say it right here, right now:

Ratzinger, anytime,, anyplace: You vs. Devin - winner takes the Chair of Peter. Are you holy enough, huh?

Papal precautions against McCain-Feingold

It appears as if the McCain-Feingold Amendment may have ramifications into the blogosphere. Basically, the deal is that supporting a candidate for publicly held office via a Blog might be considered an in-kind contribution to their campaign, and if this contribution is valued at greater than $2,000(the limit for personal donations) it is a felony.

Now, as this site is neither politically right nor left (unless you consider a visceral hatred of Jimmy Carter a political leaning - personally I look at it as just being a good American: I love apple pie and baseball, I despise Jimmy Carter), you'd think I'd have nothing to worry about. The thing is, it is unclear what, if any effect this might have on a campaign and election held under Cannon Law. Given McCain's status as a media darling, though, I don't think the College of Cardinals is going to want to do anything to upset him, so I think we should be cautious and assume that McCain-Feingold will apply to the next Papal election.

As a staunch opponent of free speech, you'd think I'd be in favor of enforcing McCain-Feingold everywhere possible, even in Pontifical campaigns (Yes, I said opponent. If you're wondering how anyone could possibly be against free speech think about this: It is almost entirely the fault of the First Amendment that we, as a nation, have been forced to suffer through the pain and embarrassment that is Gary Shandling). The problem is, I have this site, clearly valued and labeled (see sidebar) at $3,450 worth of in-kind political contributions, and I don't want to commit a felony, at least not one as lame as over-donating to a political campaign*.

So, what to do?

I think I have an answer, as there appears to be a loophole: While I can't pretend that this site does not support a particular Papal candidate, what I can do is endorse another candidate for another office, thereby splitting the $3,450 in two and keeping this site nice and legal. So, I hereby endorse Bubba Crosby as the Yankees 4th outfield and allocate $1,450 of in-kind contributions to his campaign, leaving only $2,000 worth McFein-approved contributions for the Devin for Pope campaign....As they say, better to be safe then felonious.


*I think I'd go for grand theft auto felonywise, because there is this video game, and its really, really cool and anything that is cool in a video game I do in real life, hence the reason I'm both the starting QB for the Giants and a short, mustachioed Italian plumber with a taste for mushrooms.

Pope FAQ - Meat on Fridays, hold on just a darn tootin' minute!

Question: Hold on just a darn tootin' minute, what about vegetarians? Its no sacrifice at all for them avoid eating meat on Fridays!

Answer: That's a good point. If you run into any vegetarian Catholics today, force-feed them a haggis.

Pope FAQ - Meat on Fridays

Question: Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays during Lent?

Answer: Traditionally, not eating meat on Fridays during Lent is meant as a remembrance of the sacrifices Jesus made while fasting in the desert prior to His crucifixion (also, if you eat meat on Friday you may end up getting killed on a boar hunt). Personally, however, I think its a clever ruse on the part of the Vatican to keep Italian-American immigrants in the service industry employed into the early spring.

And, before anyone gets offended by my using negative cultural stereotypes, please remember that its nearly St. Paddy's Day, I'm Irish, and you can expect similar culturally insensitive remarks then (trust me, its 2 weeks away, I've got some good ideas, and I have already started drinking).

Now, as I said, the rule is no meat on Fridays, so put the ham hock down, fatty!

March 3rd - The Return of the Saints

Due to popular demand, I will point out that today is also the feast day of Saints Non, Cunegundes, and Calupan - one Welsh, one Lithuanian, one lived in a cave - all dead.

March 3rd, part duex

Today is also the feast of St. Sacer. In the 7th century he founded a monastary in Dublin and, well, actually, that's it, that's all he did. There has been some talk that becoming a saint in the 7th century was kind of like hitting 30 homeruns in the 1990s.

March 3rd

Today is the feast of St. Winwaloc, also know as Wonnow, Wynwallow, and Gwenno. He was born in Ploufragen. He is the patron saint of kids that got their butts kicked in school for having funny names.

Pope FAQ - Ice Cream

Question: What would the Pope do-oo-oo for a Klondike bar?

Answer: Pray

Pope FAQ - Finding Jesus

Questions: How come you always here about people finding Jesus and never here about anyone finding Moses?

Answer: Jesus is really crappy at Hide-and-Seek.

Can I get another Amen?

Seriously, they're gonna break my legs if I don't pay them.

Everybody talk about Pope Music

Devin for Pope Dotcom's good friend Anonymous, which I'm pretty sure is a Greek name, asked a very important questions in the comments to our previous post about the Six Million Prayer Pope that really deserves to be answered in this space. For those of you too lazy to click the link, Anonymous wonders "what kind of music the Pontiff prefers?"

First off, lets not kid ourselves, the Pope may be humble and chaste, but JP gets down, or to put it in the parlance of today's youth: the Pope knows how to par-tay.

To explore the Pope's entire music-loving history would take to long, so lets just focus on his years as Pope. As for the years before he was Pope, let's just say that there were some embarrassing ABBA lip-synching in the Krakow Cathedral's bathroom mirror moments that the Pontiff would just as soon forget.

Like everybody else in the eighties, the Pope got into Heavy and Hair Metal. In fact, as the Pope is not only a huge music fan, but also tends to dabble in the aural arts a bit himself, he actually co-wrote "Winds of Change" and performed on six dates with the Scorpions on their "Crazy World" tour in 1991. He, however, to this day claims no responsibility for Gorky Park, even though I'm pretty sure he sang background vocals on their second album.

In recent years (or more specifically ever since the nightmarish Gary Cherone/Van Halen incident), the Pope has pretty much given up on metal and moved, with much of Europe, into the techno world. The Pope was really quite taken with the kind of Pop English-language techno stylings of Crystal Method and the Chemical Brothers, shunning the Industrial Techno world of Germany and Eastern Europe (that's not to say the Pope doesn't own his share of Kraftwerk and Rammstein albums like every other European, he just was never too into them - in fact, the Pope once told me that Kraftwerk were nothing but a glorified, German-speaking version of Devo on Speed). The Pope also always liked House music, but he can't really go to raves to often as he gets mobbed by fans (lets just say that a miter and a staff tend to stand out, even at a rave), so he doesn't get to enjoy it as much as he would like.

Just last year, the Pope finally discover Hip-Hop and has been immersing himself in it, from old School to Crunk, the Pontiff is diggin the beats. In fact, the constant motion of the Pope's right hand, that so many people attribute to his Parkinson disease, is actually the Pope practicing his scratching technique.

I also have it on good authority that the Pope loves reggae, but doesn't like to admit in public due to that whole Haili Salasi is the savior thing.

Pope Improving, and we all know what that means

Well, news out of the Vatican is that the Pope "is well, his condition is improving". Now, to your average person this seems just like a ordinary, run-of-the-mill update on the Pontiff's health, but us Catholics know that this is code (yes, we Catholics have codes that we use to keep our secret plan to take over the world hidden***). Taking out my decoder cross, I deciphered the message and, it is what we have all hoped: "Pontiff Project nearly completed".

For you non-Catholics, or "heathen" as we refer to you when you're not around, out there who have no idea what this means, let me give you a little history lesson [please note that we have been given special permission to release this information by the Vatican as there is nothing any Protestant can do at this point to prevent the successful completion of the Project- ed.]:

The incredibly quick death of John Paul I in 1978 shocked and dismayed the faithful. Then, just two years later John Paul II was shot and nearly killed.

The Pope was rushed to the hospital and doctors managed to save his life, but the Pope's body was basically destroyed. When the Pope regained consciousness, he immediately met with the Synod of Bishops to decided what they could do, as an invalid Pope following in the footsteps of the quick death of his predecessor could only serve to weaken the office of Pope and the Catholic Empire, errr, Church.

They decided, right then and there, that they would rebuild the Pope, they had the technology.
Now, real life isn't science fiction, so they could not recreate the Pope's body all at once, the strain would have been to great. Instead, the Pope needed to undergo a series of operations over the course of the next 25 years.

As you can see from this list, http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,146095,00.html, the Pope has been in and out of the hospital over a dozen times since 1980 for "health problems". What was really happening during these visits to the hospital were a series of medical procedures, culminating in last weeks "tracheodomy" to turn him into The Six Million Prayer Pope - that's right, every time we hear about the Pope being rushed to the hospital with one aliment or another, its actually him getting another piece of bionic papal anatomy. One would think that the more astute non-Catholics out there would start to wonder how a man, in such apparently bad health could travel to over 100 countries and preach into his 70s, but fortunately for us, non-Catholics tend to be kind of dim.

We at Devin for Pope Dotcom have only "blessed" level Pope clearance, so even we cannot tell you what happened at each and every one of the Pope's trips to the hospital. Here, however is what we can tell you:

• In 1993 the Pope "dislocated his shoulder" and was taken to the hospital, where he was fitted with a bionic right arm that allows him to make the sign of the cross in less than 1/10th of a second, saving him valuable time when praying (interestingly, this incident was the inspiration for the film Rookie of the Year)
• In 1994 the Pope underwent "hip replacement surgery." Attached to this new hip was a bionic tale that allows him to us both hands to give "double-barreled" blessings, while not dropping his staff.
• In 1996 the Pope received a bionic eye, allowing him to zoom in on objects nearly 5 miles away. While this has very little influence on his Poping abilities, its still pretty cool.
• And finally, in February of 2005 the Pope was rushed to the hospital for a "tracheodomy." Prior to this surgery, the Pope spoke 8 languages, but now he can virtually "speak in tongues" and express himself in 110 languages (including, because he's such a Sci-Fi nut, Klingon) due to a nifty little device placed just above his larynx (also it has the added bonus of amplifying his voice so the people in the back of a Cathedral can really hear him).

Now, with this most recent success of the Tongues Device, our better, holier, humbler Pope is nearly completed, and there is nothing the Non-Caths can do about it.



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As a side note, to my knowledge, there is nothing to the rumors that attempts were made to turn Mother Teresa into the Bionic Nun in the early 1990s.
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*** The Catholic Church has asked us to tell you that there is no, repeat no, Catholic plan of world domination. That is all.