Opposite Tract

I have spent the last week and a half since losing the Papal election researching various procedural means I can use to obstruct the new pontiff's agenda. Let's face it though, filibustering and going on Larry King to denounce the Pope's policies is only going to get me so far when Benny has the nuclear option of speaking ex cathedra in his back pocket. Therefore, I believe I have only one option: become the Antipope .

That's right; I'm going to be "a false claimant of the Holy See in opposition to a pontiff canonically elected" (which should look sweet on my resume by the way).

It seems to be a pretty simple process to become an Antipope: there is no election, all I have to do is start to exercise "pontifical functions in defiance of the true occupant" of the "Papal Chair"-
Hell, that's easy. I'm pretty sure I've already started doing that: why, just last week I totally exercised universal coercive jurisdiction on this rude waiter at Outback (man is he going to be pissed when he finds out the reason he is writhing in hell-fire is because he forgot my Bloomin Onions and I fully bound that sin of omission to his soul for all eternity.)

Now, I'm sure some out there will object, pointing out that there hasn't been an Antipope in about 550 years, but I say that's all the more reason for me to take on the challenge. For one, I won't have to deal with comparisons to the last guy. While Benny is spending his days answering questions about why he isn't as charismatic, spiritual or tall as JP II, I will be out there pushing my agenda (what, is someone heckler going point out that I don't hold a candle to Amadeus of Savoy in terms of prudence, I don't think so).

Also, I think that not having an Antipope for all these years has lead to the Papacy getting soft. I mean, it’s not like constantly going up against the Archbishop of Canterbury is going to keep you in tiptop form. If nothing else, the presence of an Antipope should keep the Pope in good fighting shape for when the end of the world comes and he's got to go up against the Antichrist (who is not going to be pulling any punches or lollygagging around like the Archbishop of Canterbury).

So there you have it, I'm going to become the Antipope, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight ………………………………………………......……………NOW!

Wahoo, I'm the Antipope, go me! Now all I have to do is think of a cool Antipope name like Theodoric, or Vespasian or Stryper....

Pope Alert - They have spy tech, they know

A Polish priest at the Vatican has been accused of spying on Pope John Paul II for the communists during the late 1970s and 1980s. I managed to get a hold of the private dairy he kept during those years. In it we can see what he was reporting back to the communists:

• May 17, 1979: Pope is in fact Catholic.
• October 27, 1979: Pope has lost that New Pope smell.
• July 22, 1980: They keep talking about this Jesus fellow, but I haven't scene him around anywhere. I believe he is either a master of disguise, or that this is a code name for some unknown power propping up the Vatican (my first instinct is Mondale).
• May 13, 1981: Pope shot, but still alive - Operation Dumbo Drop** is a failure.
• April 2, 1982: Ratzinger stole my Eucharist money again during recess...God I hate him.
• June 17, 1983: Everyone keeps telling me that JP II and I are 2/3 of the way to being able to change the lightbulbs in the Sistine Chapel...I don't get it...
• March 4, 1984: Arinze smiled at me today during vespers..He's soooo dreamy.
• September 16, 1984: Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride, Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on movin'.
• August 19, 1985: I can report with confidence that the Pope has 14, repeat, 14 Divisions.
• November 12, 1988: Been here 10 years, never once seen Pope poop in the woods.
• January3, 1989 : Mr. and Mrs. Arinze...Cardinal and Mrs. Arinze...Cardinal and Mrs. Arinze , Esq..Wait a minute, do I--do I dare: Pope and Mrs. Arinze...sighhhhhh

**Very few people know that the attempted assassination of the Pope was the inspiration for the 1995 Disney film.

Popesploitation Update

It appears as if the connection between the Papacy and Quentin Tarantino is occuring to more and more people by the day: Pope Fiction (Scene From) - via Ace of Spaces HQ.

Here is my take on it: Popesploitation #1 - "Pope Fiction"

Pope Alert - New Wheels

The Pope held his first general audience today in Rome, but that is hardly the news of the day. No, the biggest papal story of this lovely spring day is how the Pope got to St. Peter's: "Benedict arrived in St. Peter's Square in an open-topped jeep-like vehicle surrounded by security guards." That's right, he's been Pope for like 8 days and he has already ditched the Popemoblile.

Personally, I think this is a PR mistake of catastrophic proportions for the Church. Think of it this way, we were all understandably upset when Val Kilmer took over for Michael Keaton in Batman Forever, and even more so when they ditched the real genius for George Clooney in Batman and Robin (and please don't even get me started about the Christian Bale nightmare that is about to be released upon us all). Thing this was, though, as many times as the actor changed, he still had the Batmobile so he was still Batman - heck, throw Jonathan Lipnicki in the Batmobile and I'll probably buy him as the Dark Knight, but put Michael Keaton in a minivan and he just isn't Batman. I just don't know if I can look at a guy riding around in something other than the Popemobile and think of him as the Pope.

I'm not sure the Church can deal with this kind of dramatic recasting of one of its biggest stars at this point in time. Mass attendance is down all over the US and Europe and now they take away the Popemobile, this does not bode well. Sure each Pope likes to put his own stamp on the Church, but come on...I mean, did anybody watch the Dukes of Hazard for Bo and Luke (or Vance and Coy for that matter) - no, you watched for Daisy and the General Lee....The Catholic church doesn't have a Daisy** and now the Pope is ditching the General Lee for a frickin Fiat SUV!! Not good times....




**Sure Arinze is a looker, but he doesn't have the legs to pull off jams, much less cut-off jean shorts.

I Wonder...

What exactly were Wings running from? and wouldn't it have been easier for them to fly?

Pope Alert - Declaration of War

Yesterday "Pope Benedict Vow[ed] New Battle for Souls".

Elect aGerman Pope everyone said, they are very organized; elected a Teutonic Pontiff they said, they make great cars; elect a Prussian Vicar of Christ they said, I'm sure they got all that belligerence out of their system 50 years ago...Well, we elected a German and in less than a week we're at war, I hope you all are happy.

Sign of the Apocalypse?

I can't find anything about it in Revelations, or even in Daniel, but I'm pretty sure is not a good sign when "As many as 1,000 toads have died after their bodies swelled to bursting point and then exploded". This might be a good time to make sure you have you Apocalypse Survival kit in order.

Ineffective Pope

So, "Pope Benedict XVI said Monday that he had prayed to God during the conclave not to be elected pope ".

Now, let me get this straight: the dude can't even get G to the O to the D to do him a little favor, but we are supposed to let this guy lead the Church. I don't think so. I mean, seriously, how big a deal is it to get God to help you to not be something? Here, check it out: God, please make it so I am not a Bulgarian wig salesmen, Amen.

And look at me now: no wigs, not Slavic...not that difficult a trick, really.

Now imagine this all too likely scenerio happening in the next year or two with Mister I-would-say-Mass-but-Jesus-told-me-he-was-washing-His-hair-Sunday-morning as Pope:

One day all the faithful come running into the Vatican like "Il Papa, Il Papa! The antichrist, he has come, please do something, get the Lord to save us!"

And Benny goes "Ok, Ok, just gimmy a minute to finish my snitzel..[gulp]....Alrighty, Lord, Lord little help here, don't want to have the world fall into darkness, please help. This is you're voice on Earth calling, over."

But then Jesus is all "No comprende Inglés...cough*putz*cough."

And them Jimmy Carter bursts into the room and is all "MWAHAHAHA!!!! Where's your Messiah now?"

And we're all like "Noooo! If only we had a Pope who was one speaking terms with the Lord!"

And then we're all left in a bunny-less and canal-less world for the 1,000 year reign of Carter, all because we elected a Pope that can't even get God to take his phone calls.

Damn Varmits

Now a cartoon raccoon and turtle are making fun of those of us not elected Pope.

Build a bridge out of him

So, the Pope likes cats. And not just any ordinary cats, no, he likes cats that hang out in an "old cemetery". And not only does he like cemetary cats, but in the past the cats have seemed like they "knew him and loved him". In fact, the Pope and cats like each other so much that he has been in the habit of "talking to them, for quite a long time".

Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, I like to get all the facts before making up my mind on something but..... THE POPE IS A WITCH!!BURN HIM!!

So, ummm... part deux

Do I need to change the name of this site?

Is it crass to be campaigning this close to the election, especially considering this Pope's age?

Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me.

Could I just change the name to: Devin for Pope Dotcom, but not right now, only after the current Pope has lived many more fruitful years and passed on peacefully in his sleep?

Or should I take the opposite tract: filibustering his choices for Cardinals, publically speaking out against his Indulgence reform plan and generally slowing down the business of the Church?

Pope Benedict XVI, Devin has invited you to open a Google mail account

I've been using Gmail and thought you might like to try it out. Here's an invitation to create an account. Also, congratulations on being elected Pope...you just beat me out.
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Devin has invited you to open a free Gmail account.To accept this invitation and register for your account, visit [ invite link ] Once you create your account, Devin will be notified with your new @gmail.com address so you can stay in touch with Gmail!







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The Pope got email. I figured he could use the extra storage space...who couldn't, right?

So, ummm...

Does anybody else need a Supreme Pontiff? Cause I'm kinda stuck in the lurch here....

Pope Retrospective or Poptrospective

Well, its been over 24 hours since we saw all the hard work and effort put into getting Devin elected Pope crash and burn faster than Kevin Mass's career. As with all such campaigns, when you have lost it's time to take stock of things, to find out where you could have done things differenlty and, most importantly, to place blame. So let's take a look back at the reasons Devin is not the Pope:

• The most obvious reason we lost and therefore the most obvious people to throw under the bus are the campaign staff, after all if it were not for that silly photo shoot of me trying to catch a greased pig, I might be Pope right now. The only problem is, I didn't actually hire any campaign staff. So, I'm just gonna go ahead and blame this on Bob Shrumm, its not like he'll notice having another loss on his record.
• Probably should have known Satan would hedge his bets and make deals with severeal candidates.
• Never getting that endorsement from Billy Ocean was not the best of moves.
• Teapot Dome Scandal.
• Scandal - "The Warrior".
• Racism...I'm not really sure how electing a German instead of an Irish-American is racist, but just in case I ever do, I want to get this on record from the beginning.
• Jimmy Carter - bastard.
• Should have made a bigger deal out of them letting 17 former felons vote in the Conclave.
• Got killed on a boar hunt.
• Never should have publically stated my belief in the primacy of the Bishop of Edmonton.
• Should have noticed when Germany started building tanks and airplanes in defiance of the Treaty of Versailles.
• Recently beat the Holy Spirit in pick-up game of hoops...should have just let him win...
• Misdirection of advertising dollars (in my defense, I just assumed Hustler was widely read in the College of Cardinals).
• Plastics.
• Should have responded quicker to charges of Pelagianism.
• The candidate's lack of service in the Swiss guard certainly did not help (this isn't really my fault, as I'm not Swiss and look very bad in blue, orange and yellow parachute pants).
• In retrospect, lobbying for the female vote might not have been the best use of time.
• Needed a better Lefty specialist out of the bullpen.
• Jimmy Carter - jerk.
• The revelations of my attempts to have a Catholic and an Eastern Orthodox mate to create a Cathodox (bred for their skills in magic) may have driven some voters away.
• Basing most of my theological positions on Indiana Jones movies was not a great idea.

?

Does anyone else feel like a Jet fan on draft day?

Concession Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen, first off I want to thank you all for your support. And I would like to take a moment to congratulate the new Pope cough*drownsbabyducks*cough. Cardinal Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, ran a great campaign and there is no definitive, incontrovertible evidence that he threatened the families of the Cardinals in the conclave.

Now, sure Ratzinger was in the Hitler Youth, but hey, my brother was in the Boy Scouts, same thing, right? And sure he was in the Nazi Army, but hey, "he deserted the Germany army in May 1945" - so what if VE Day was May 8, 1945 so he was deserting from an already-surrendered army. Let's put this all in context by looking at the words of his brother about being in the German Army: "Resistance was truly impossible" I mean, seriously, who has ever even heard of any "resistance" movement against the Nazi's...I can't think of any, can you?
Also, think of the fear that is currently pulsing through France - France is alot easier to get to than the Holy Land and we haven't had a crusade in a while (plus I'm pretty sure the Vatican doesn't have U-boats so American and British shipping shouldn't be disrupted).

As for the Devin for Pope Campaign, I don't want any of you to get discouraged by this result. After all, Ronald Reagan did not even win his party's nomination in 1976 and look what he ended up doing: toppling the Soviets, being endlessly parodied on SNL, napping. Granted his primary loss lead to The Dark Times, but think of it this way: the Catholic Church doesn't have any canals to give away and there are very few rabbits in Rome. So I don't look at today's result as a defeat, but rather as a delay; the Devin for Pope Campaign will continue. After all, there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no peanut butter without jelly, no Dokken without RATT, and no Pope Devin without Pope Benedict XVI. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get loaded.

In case you were wondering

The last Pope Benedict was elected in 1914, ie the beginning of World War I...so we've got that going for us, which is nice.

He's calling himself

Benedict XVI

Its Ratzinger

damn, damn, damn

Ironic Music Reference

In the immortal and only slightly altered words of The Damned:

I gotta new Pope, I got him good
Guess I knew that I always would
I can’t stop,to mess around
I gotta brand new Pope in town.

Pope Alert - White Smoke

Its appears as if they have elected a new Pope...Devin has yet to receive a phone call...

Pope FAQ - French Pope

Q: I have heard rumors of a Frenchman possibly being elected Pope, is there any truth to this?

A: Cardinal Jean-Marie Lustiger, who served as Bishop of Orléans and Archbishop of Paris, has come up in a few conversations, as has Cardinal Roger Etchegaray, the former Archbishop of Marseilles. Neither of the two are considered frontrunners, but it might behove Catholics the world over to brush up on the 95 Theses and Augsburg Confession, in case a Frenchmen is elected and we are all forced to surrender to the Lutherans.

Conclave Day #1, alternative meditation

For those of you not down with the W to the P, sit back, relax and reflect upon the words and music of Jon Cain, Neil Schon, Steve Smith, Ross Valory and Steve Perry:

Working hard to get my fill,
everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlight people

Conclave Day #1

Well, Day One of the conclave is over and we do not have a Pope. I bet alot of you are getting tired, maybe a little discouraged. Fortunately for all of us, though, there is Wilson Phillips. So before you give up hope, start drinking and fall into a pit of despair just remember:

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day (one more day)

Pope Alert - Black Smoke

Either no Pope yet or we've got some Cardinals with the munchies on our hands.

Pope FAQ - Papal Name

Updated April 19, 9:33pm

I would like to thank the powers that be at A Small Victory for the condolences sent our way. It is kind words like these and hard liquor that will get us through...

Updated April 19, 6:34pm

Update:

It appears as if A Small Victory is getting into the Papal name biz, too.

end update
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Q: How does a Pope choose his Papal name?

A: The new Pope pretty much has free reign as far as picking his name. He can just use his own first name, use the name of one of the previous Popes, or just come up with something new. There is, however, a significant amount of symbolic meaning held in the name of the Pope. For example, if you choose the name of the Pope that just died, you would be signifying your respect for the previous Pope, as well as the desire to continue in the direction that he took the Church; if you took the name of, say, Gregory, you might be signaling a need to restart the Inquisition; if you took Alexander as your name, you might be planning on redividing the New World between Spain and Portugal. Personally, I think the next Pope should take a chance and try something new with his name. After all, names have become much less rigid and traditional things in the last 50 or so years. I mean, come on, we live in a world with both a Dweezil and a Moon Unit Zappa, I think its about time we had a Pope with a cool name. Some suggestions:

Pope Satan I : just to mess with people.
Pope Murdoch I : really no deeper meaning here, I've just always liked The A-Team
Pope Pat or Pope Chris : androgyny in the Pope's name is the first step toward women priests
Pope Peter -1 : the absolute value of the rock of the Church
Pope Coca Cola : who needs tithing when you've got corporate sponsorship
Pope You'll go to hell if you're not Catholic : every time the Pope is mentioned, the heathen will be reminded of their fate
Biggie Pope : I love it when you call me Il Papa

Pope FAQ - Conclave Time

Q: So how long will this whole conclave last?

A: The conclave will last until a Pope is elected. In the past this has taken as long as three years. The last Pope, however, made some changes to the rules that should prevent it from taking more than a few days. For one, the Pope decided that a 2/3 majority is no longer required to elect a Pope, but in instead a simple majority will do. Also, JP II decided that should no new Pope be elected after 10 days, the Conclave will go to penalty shots to determine the winner - while this may upset some traditionalists, it should be a good way to get more Americans to watch the conclave.

Pope Alert - Scottish Soccer Fans Boo Pope

At a Scottish Cup game this weekend between Hearts and Celtic, Hearts fans booed and jeered the Pope, causing great embarrassment for the Hearts of Midlothian Football Club and Scotland in general. To be fair to the Hearts fans, though, the Pope had just award a penalty shot and sent the Hearts sweeper off for what was a best a touch foul and quite possibly a dive by Paul Lambert.

Quite frankly, I am left questing the wisdom of the SFA for having the ghost of the head of the Catholic Church refereeing such an obviously sectarian match. Just seems like they could have found a more neutral party, like the Patriarch of Moscow or someone....

Pope Alert - Ratzinger pulls ahead

A reader points out that "It seems as though Ratzinger is gathering some support among the cardinals (an unnamed source claims at least 50 would vote in his favor) before the opening of the conclave on Monday." This, on the surface at least, appears to be a major fly in the sacramental ointment of the Devin for Pope campaign. As you probably know 115 Cardinals will be taking part in the conclave. Traditionally, a two-thirds majority was needed to elect a Pope, but John Paul II changed the rules as a result of a drunken bar bet, so now only a simple majority is needed, which means Ratzinger only needs to convince 8 more Cardinals to vote for him and he's in.

But fear not, for Ratzinger is going about this the wrong way. While it is true that it is the Cardinals that cast the votes for the next Pope within the Conclave, it is not actually their decision. According to Catholic doctrine, the Cardinals are merely the physical vehicles through which the will of the Holy Spirit is expressed. So all of Raty's smoozing the Cardinals with fancy lunches, exotic vestments, and promises of reclaiming the Sudentenland for the Fatherchurch have been pointless. 58 Cardinals may go in the Conclave ready to vote for Ratzinger, but when you've got a tongue of fire dangling over your head, you do what the Holy Spirit tells you to do.

Therefore, it is imperative that the Holy Spirit gets behind the Devin for Pope campaign, and fast. I think the best way to accomplish this is through a grass roots campaign. Call His Vatican City office, write letters (I happen to know that the Spirit is partial to cherry cordials, so if anyone feels like sending a box along...), or send an email (holyspirit@trinity.god). Let the Holy Spirit know who the people want as their next Pope: anyone but a German!

This has nothing to do with the Pope

Today is the home opener for the Washington Nationals. As this is the first time there has been an Opening Day in Washington, DC since 1971, the Washington Post has a spread on it and presidential first pitches. As you can see, since William Howard Taft first did it in 1910, the president throwing out the first pitch has become a tradition. All presidents, be they afflicted with polio, pressed into service due to the natural death, resignation or assassination of their predecessor and those that served when there was not even a team in Washington found a way to throw out a least one first pitch during their presidencies, all presidents except one: Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter: giving away the Panama Canal, watching popes die, not throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game...the man may truly be Evil incarnate.

Update 2:00 pm!

The Nationals home opener is tomorrow, not today. Why did I think it was today, I have no idea, but I blame Jimmy Carter.

Pope Alert - Holy Dolls

As many of you already know I am the proud owner of a Pope Innocent III action figure. Now a California company is taking the religious doll racket to a new level, planning to begin selling biblical themed dolls later this spring. The initial plan of the company is to release Mary, Moses and Jesus (cross not included) dolls, all of which can say various Bible verses and to extend the series in the future. On the surface, I have no problem with this idea, after all, who doesn't like playing escape from ancient Egypt or virgin birth...But I do have a few questions I would like to ask the company:

• Will the Adam and Eve dolls be anatomically correct? Will they have belly buttons?
• Will there be before-and-after-the-creation-of-Eve Adam dolls that have different numbers of ribs?
• Will I have to buy a Paul doll, or can I but a Saul doll and convert him myself?
• Will I be require to circumcise any of my dolls?
• Will all main characters of the Bible be involved, even the non-human? Will angels be upgradable, or will I need to buy a whole new kit if I want to go from Cherubum to Seraphim
• Will there be vehicles and accessories (I'd love to get my hands on one of those flaming chariots Elijah took...or a whale for that matter)?
• Will the Samson doll come with extra hair, or am I going to have to buy a whole new doll everytime my kid plays Delilah?
• Do I really want my kids playing sacrifice Isaac? Isn't that a little morbid?
• Will the dolls have Kung Fu grip?
• Will there be an enemies of the faith series as well? Playing GI Joe was alot more fun when you had Cobra guys too, but do we really want our kids playing exorcise Legion?
• Then there are the problems these dolls could create for future visions of Jesus and Mary. Imagine if those kids at Fatima had had one of these Mary dolls. Then, instead of having prophesies about WWII and the end of the world, as well as a new pilgrim shrine, all we'd have is some Portuguese lady saying "Oh you talked to Mary today, how nice for you. Now run along and get cleaned up for dinner"...well that, but in Portuguese.
• If my kid is begging me for a Lot's wife doll, can I just give him a saltshaker? or will the other kids make fun of him?
• And finally, will there be cross-religion marketing like when Marvel and DC Comics had characters get together? Can I have Jesus and Buddha go out on missions together?

Like I said, I have no objections to this idea per se, I just want to make sure the company has thought this out....

Pope Alert - Spying on the Conclave

In preparation for the Conclave, the Vatican has been forced to take extreme precautions to prevent spying. The would be spies aren't trying to get info on who the next Pope may be, as the Conclave will tell us that at some point, but instead are interested in internal debates about things like birth control, women priests and the Vatican's recognition of Taiwan. Such information could be extremely valuable because, umm, ummm, I have no idea...Latex speculation? Getting a head start designing The Little Black Vestment**? Fleeing an impending Red Chinese invasion?....I'm really not sure, but apparently people want to know these things.



**Simple and elegant, The Little Black Vestment is perfect for all occasions. Whether you need a somber tone for a funeral or stylish sophistication for an adult baptism, the Little Black Vestment is a no-fail option.

Clearing up a legal matter

Please note that despite the quotation of his, and arguably Trinidad's, greatest musical work in the sidebar, Billy Ocean has not endorsed the Devin for Pope campaign...yet....

Interview With Devin's Brother

In order to give our readers a more complete view of Devin, the man who would be Pope, I just completed an interview with his brother, Arthur. I feel that through a person's family one can get a good impression of what kind of person he or she really is. Also, should Devin be elected Pope, Arthur would be thrust onto the international scene, and I think we all deserve to know if he will in any way embarrass the office his brother would hold (Lord know we don't want another Thomas Ford on you hands). The complete text of the interview follows:

BW: What's it like being the brother a legitimate Papal candidate?

A: It's been awfully exciting so far, with campaign getting into high gear and all.My primary roles were meant to be in the areas of canon law and security,but in a grassroots campaign like this, you end up doing what's needed atthe time. For example, one day last week I was in my office working ourposition brief on why capital punishment is an appropriate sanction forCardinal Law, when Devin called and said "Dude, I need you to fly toDamascus and bring the Syrian Jacobites home". Twelve hours later I'mhunting pigeons on Mt. Hermon with Ignatius Zakka I Iwas. And I'll tellyou, he's bloody lethal for a man of God. Incredible stuff. I have tosay, I've been tremendously impressed with the response we've gotten fromthe other Orthodox churches. I suspect this has a lot to do with that yearthat Devin had a 1.17 GAA for Dynamo Kiev.

BW: What will you do as Brother to the Vicar of Christ? Will there be a microbrew?

A: I think the real question is what won't I do. On the internal front, I think two of my most exciting plans are unanaesthetized castration for pedophile priests and the introduction of a Vatican team into the Serie A. People are also responding very, very favorably to our plan to modernize and expand the Swiss Guard into a force capable of both traditional and asymmetric warfare on multiple fronts. I hesitate to use the words "crusade" or "France" too soon, but if things go well we'll be talking about both in a couple of years. A couple of points on the microbrew question. As I think you know, many Catholic monasteries, particularly in Belgium and Germany, have traditionally produced some of world's best (and strongest) beers. Indeed, you could say the Trappists are the world's original microbrewers. So I think the first thing we're going to want to do is encourage and leverage the capacity we already have. We don't want to be reinventing the wheel or taking attention away from the Church's true master brewers. On the other hand, Devin and I are a huge fans of Guinness, and the Church does not currently have any significant in-house stout brewing capacity. Guinness, of course, is all but perfect, so there isn't really any need to make a traditional, regular-strength stout. So I think what you're likely to see, probably in the medium term, is some sort of special Papal Stout, perhaps an almost wine-like very strong one, or something that uses local Vatican flavorings, produced in very small batches. Certainly we'd want to get the Trappists involved in anything we do.

BW: If Devin is elected Pope, do you think he will continue to drown kittens in motor oil?

A: Actually, Devin hasn't drowned kittens in motor oil for many years. He's very concerned about the Church's dependence on foreign oil, particularly given that most motor oil comes from countries that actively persecute the Church. He currently uses sunflower oil for kitten drowning because sunflower oil is locallyproduced and widely available in the United States. I suspect he'll switch to olive oil (or wine), when he's elected and moves to Italy.

BW: What is your favorite movie?

A: Good question. It changes from time to time, but today I'd say either Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

BW: What was Devin like as a child? Were there any early signs of papacy in his blood? in his choice of breakfast cereal?

A: As a child? Generally he was small and young, though both of these things kind of tapered off as he got older. It's interesting that you ask the question about the blood. I remember one time when he was about ten, we were playing soccer with some of the neighborhood youths, and someone came in with a hard foul and sliced open Devin's knee. He started bleeding pretty bad, but what was amazing was that as the blood was flowing out you could see these little chi's and rho's floating in there. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it all makes perfect sense now. Same thing with the cereal. When we were kids, Mom and Dad always made us eat Alphabits. Our sister and I would just eat them all, but Devin would pick all the other letters out and only eat the A's and O's. Again, we thought nothing of it at the time, but it all makes sense now. Talk about ineffability.

BW: Steve roller-skates 8 miles per hour. One afternoon, Steve begins roller-skating and doesn't stop until he has gone 60 miles. How many hours did he spend roller-skating?

A: Seven and one half. He didn't live to enjoy his accomplishment though. Ignatius Zakka I Iwas shot him in Reno, just to watch him die.

BW: What is your impression of Pyongyang?

A: It's very pretty in May, but Winters are hell. Not much night life at all. I think things might liven up a little if they ever finish the Ryugyong Hotel.

BW: Is it true that Gail Sheehy's '92 article in "Vanity Fair," that said Bill Clinton's mother favored Bill over Roger and that Roger was always like the second son, and that might have been part of the reason you got into problems?

A: No. It's because I'm a lesbian.

BW: In a Devin Papacy, there has been talk that you would be appointed Nuncio to Lisbon, do you think this kind of nepotism has a place in the Vatican? in the Uffizi?

A: There has been talk of sending me to either Lisbon or Porto, but I don't think it's fair to characterize it as nepotism. I've been advising Devin on Portuguese and Brazilian issues for nearly a decade, and I think it's fair to say that I'd be aqualified candidate even if I weren't his brother. Not that I condone nepotism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John the Baptist, "I don't believe in The Pharisees, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

BW: Do you feel Devin has the marksmanship skills to make a good Pope?

A: Yes, though I would expect him to continue growing over the course of his papacy. Right now, I think it's fair to describe him as "world class" with the Springfield rifle, the Kalashnikov series and most modern shotguns. On the other hand, I'd describe his skill with modern revolvers as only "marksman" level, and I think he's only "qualified" with black powder weapons. I think Devin's skills are well beyond what you'd want to see in a newly elected Pope, but not quite where you'd want him to be ten or fifteen years into his reign. It's a process of continuous improvement, and I can't see any reason why he wouldn't stay a little ahead of the curve throughout his reign. Another thing to bear in mind is that comparisons to John Paul II aren't really fair. He had the benefit of some intensive, on-the-job training during his years working with the Wermacht, and I don't think anyone in this generation can compare to people who had that kind training.

BW: And finally, has Devin given you any indication of what name he may take as Pope?

A: He hasn't said anything specific, but I know he likes the letter V a lot. So you might expect to see something like "Valerian," "Vitellius," "Vespasian," "Volusianus," "Victorinus," "Vetriano," "Valentinian," "Valens," "Victor II," "Vigilius II," or "Valentinus II". I'd kind of like to see him go for "Sixtus VI", but I suppose that might give the evangelicals more ammunition for arguing that the Pope is the Antichrist.

Pope Alert - Chinese Do Not Send Envoy to Funeral

The Chinese government did not send an envoy to the Pope's funeral on Friday as a protest of the Vatican's relationship with Taiwan. As a gesture of goodwill, however, the Chinese did send pirated copies of "The Passion of the Christ" DVD as party favors for the funeral-goers.

Subsequently, Mel Gibson recalled his ambassador to Beijing.

Pope Alert - Police Turn Away Mourners

Italian police were forced to turn away mourners that wished to view the body of the Pope on Thursday due to the shear size of the crowds. At one point "during the night, pilgrims who had been cut off began chanting", voicing their displeasure with the situation. After many minutes of this chanting and protestation, the Police finally relented and gave the crowd their way, allowing the Bears to finish out their game and win the championship 5-4 in extra innnings.

Pope Alert - Pope Considered Resigning

Foxnews.com is reporting that the Pope considered the possibility of resigning in 2000. Apparently the Pope came under fire from several Cardinals and a vocal minority of shareholders when the Apocalypse failed to occur as scheduled on January 1, 2000. The Pope, however, held onto power when it was revealed that Anderson Consulting had over-reported years in the Reign of Christ in order to push up baptism numbers when they audited Church history for the Julian/Gregorian turnover in 1582.

Pope Alert - Robert Mugabe arrives at Pope's funeral

Robert Mugabe, the righteous and fairly elected president of Zimbabwe, arrived Thursday in Rome to join world leaders attending Pope John Paul II's funeral. In a surprise move, Mugabe held a press conference just after deplaning to announce that he had just been elected the next Pope by a unanimous vote. Some journalists began to ask Mugabe how this was possible, as the Conclave had not yet begun. Mugabe responded to these queries by sprinting to St. Peter's, jumping into the chair of St. Peter and declaring it Catholic doctrine that it is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and therefore an unforgivable sin to question the legitimacy of his election to the Papacy. Mugabe also annouced that from now on his official title will be: "The Dually and Completely Fairly Elected, in Such a Manner as Only Racist White-Devil Colonialist Oppressors Could Possibly Doubt His Legitimacy, Pope Bob"

Pope Facts - 9 Days of Funerals

As you have probably heard or read in the last few days, the funerary ceremonies for the Pope will last nine days. Now you're probably thinking: "Wow, 9, that seems like an awful lot. I sure do wish someone, somewhere, perhaps on a website, will take the time to explain what this whole deal is about." Well, you're in luck, because we at Devin for Pope Dotcom are here to serve you and are just that smart.

The period of nine days of funerals for a deceased Pope is called the Novendiales (go ahead and use that word to impress your friends and co-workers, after all it may be a long time before the subject comes up again...unless of course Jimmy Carter is elected president again). Below is a brief description of what you can expect to see on each day over this period:

Day 1 - The Pope dies. This is arguably the most important part of the funeral process.

Day 2 - The Pope's body begins lying in state...well, city actually...Vatican City.

Day 3 - On The 3rd day of Novendiales the Catholic Church gave to me: 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and Partridge and a dead Pope.

Day 4 - A New Hope.

Day 5 - Day 5 is "Take your Daughter to the Pope's Funeral Day".

Day 6 - The Pope is buried in the Catacombs under St. Peter's. The Pope's casket will be well lit, clearly marked and contain no clues as to the whereabouts of the Holy Grail in order to prevent any future disturbance of the tomb by Harrison Ford.

Day 7 - League Night, no open pews for those not in a league. If you're not in a league, sign up now, its only $250 for a 4 person team.

Day 8 - We're nearing the summit. Air is getting thin. Food is running low. I think my sherpas may be plannig to kill me and ride my body down the mountain toboggan style.

Day 9 - The last day of funerals for the Pope. This is really a day to tie-up loose ends, clean-out lockers and double-check that the Pope is still dead. Quite frankly, with how juiced-up the Cardinals are for the upcoming Conclave its kind of a waste of a day; you can never really get anything done and they'll probably let everyone out of the funeral early at like 12:30 or 1:00.

Pope Alert - Life of Future Pope Saved

Jimmy Carter has been left off the list of American dignitaries who will attend the Pope's funeral. Some may say that this is unfair, a snub or some such thing, but I think its really quite understandable. After all, when going to an event with over a hundred people that may be Pope in the next week or so, its just good manners not to bring along America's Personal Pontifical Angel Of Death. I mean, if you wouldn't bring Michael Jackson to a baby shower, then you shouldn't bring Jimmy Carter to the Pope's funeral.

Pope Alert - Papal Shooter Rejected

Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot the Pope in the early eighties, asked if he could come to the Pope's funeral, but was turned down. When Agca pressed for an explanation, Cardinal Ratzinger explained that the entire College of Cardinals would be washing their hair on Friday morning.

Pope FAQ - Confirming the Death of the Pope

Questions: How do they make sure the Pope is really dead and not just faking it?

Answer: That's an extremely important question, especially given the whole lying in state thing - which really freaks me out. Quite frankly I'm half-expecting Ratzinger to turn his back on the body for just a second and the Pope to go all Michael Myers on him: disappearing and eventually ending up in an abandoned summer camp killing half-naked Hollywood starlets with a butcher's knife.

That being said, in order to confirm the death of the Pope the Camerlengo hits the Pope of the forehead three times with a silver hammer while calling out the Pope's Christian name. If there is no response, the Pope is confirmed to have passed on. This is a centuries old ritual that works because the hammer is actually a +12 Silver Hammer of Necromancy.

Question: Oh dear Lord. Why, oh why, would you possible go there?

Answer: Because there's comedy, there's high comedy and than there's Papal Dungeons and Dragons comedy.

RE: No Pope

WEE!!! [running around forest and jumping up and down in loin cloth] Salvation is achieved through knowledge of the divine!! WEE, HAHA, WEE!!!

No Pope

So right now there is no Pope and won't be one for at least 2 weeks or so when the College of Cardinals finally enter the conclave. No Pope means that we can pretty much get away with anything, so run wild everyone, do what ever you want. Personally, I'm gonna indulged me in some Gnosticism.

Popes in the History of the US

Pope John Paul II was the 15th Pope to die since the United States declared its independence. Over the 229 years the US has been around, only 1 president was in office for the death of more than 1 Pope: Jimmy Carter. That's right, the man only served for 4 years and yet managed to see 2 Popes die. . . Jimmy Carter, history's greatest monster.

The Pope has died

all the cable news channels are saying that the Pope just died.

I've Got To Say

The more I listen to Boston, the more I prefer "Peace of Mind" to "More than a Feeling."

A moment of seriousness

As you probably know, the Pope's health has further deteriorated and it looks unlikely that he will recover. I'm sure all of us, even those that may disagree with many of his policies and pronouncements, wish him nothing but the best today.